This would be awesome if it were true.

This was MSNBC‘s home page earlier this week.

So I see this and I’m all, no WAY did a condom company use Beat It in their ad campaign. Because Sheik, that’s a condom brand right? And then I think, how freakin’ BRILLIANT. BEAT IT?!? And within seven seconds I see the actual commercial — staring Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords, no less — unfold in my head. It’s so awesome, that I’m sure Sheik must be a Nordic company because those crazy ass Swedes are the ones always making hilarious, raunchy ads that would never get air time in the U.S.

At any rate, no doubt MJ’s pissed because I’m sure Sheik didn’t actually ASK to use the song. Hence the lawsuit. You know if they HAD asked, he’d never go for it. Helluuu? Um, Gloved One??

But then it dawns on me the theme song would actually be counter-intuitive. Because if you’re using a condom, you’re probably not … er … yeah. When I finally DID click on the link, the story was about an actual sheik and NOT condoms.

And I was a little sad because I really, really liked the idea.

Then I scrolled down and saw the astronaut urine story, and perked right up.

Doogs Weekend #7: I’ll be your best friend …

Okay Doogs — this one came to me tonight.

If you could pick one (or two or three) TV character(s) to be your BFF(s), who would it be?

And no, for those of you who need specifics (Steph) it doesn’t mean you’d lose your current BFF. And the show doesn’t have to still be running.

I’d totally pick fellow single mama Old Christine from The New Adventures of Old Christine. Come to think of it, Elaine from Seinfeld would probably be second, so maybe it’s Julia Louis-Dreyfus I want for a BFF …

If you’re not familiar with TNAOOC, here’s a clip. It’s kind of a long one, but totally worth watching to the end, in my humble opinion. Holy hell, she cracks me up.

Have a fantastic weekend!

How are YOU getting ready for BLOGHERNOT ’08?

I feel it.

Can you feel it?

George Clooney feels it.

Admittedly, he’s not a blogger, but he loves the Doogs. Which doesn’t surprise me in the least. He’s fun, we’re fun. He’s … what’s the word? Oh yeah, HOT. (At least, from what I’ve gathered, about 90% of you think so. Count me in.) He’s hot, we’re hot.

Here’s the awesome news. Take a deep breath. George has agreed to be our KEYNOTE SPEAKER.

He wants to hang out with US.

After the conference.

At his place in Italy. Lake Cuomo.

Oh yeah. BlogHerNotters got it goin’ ON.

David feels the Feeva too. He’s currently in the area on a press junket promoting the new X-Files Movie, and according to his agent, has a thing for Mommy Bloggers. Well, Bloggers in general. I told him he could stop by. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be playing Scully to his Mulder at the party Saturday night. SCHA-WIIING.

BlogHer ShmogHer. I told you you’d forget about San Fran.

So do YOU have the Feeva?

Here’s a quick rundown on today’s schedule and how you can participate.

1. Instructors, make sure to email me your Friday’s post link by midnight MST tonight. (See previous post.) There’s plenty of room — ANYONE can participate and reap the link love rewards – just write a post about Blogging Life, put it up on your site, and link back to me. See? Easy Peasy. 

2. How are YOU preparing for the weekend festivities? Deb at San Diego Momma had a fantastic idea and I’m running with it. Take a picture of yourself getting ready — RIGHT NOW, DOOGS — and include a link to the photo in the Comments Section below. There are a few ways you can do it.

a. Post your photo to Flickr, PhotoBucket, or some such site, and paste the link in a comment below.
b. Post your photo to your site and paste the link in a comment below.
c. Send me an email describing your scene in detail. I will, in turn, post an artist’s rendition in the tradition of French Pointillist Painter Georges Seurat. 

Um, not really, but that would be cool. I’ll post my pic in a few, when I can get away from work, but in the meantime can’t wait to see YOU!

3. And don’t forget to copy and paste your BlogHerNot ’08 badge to your site.

What Mommypie? There are more ways to participate in weekend festivities?

Stop over at Foolery‘s place — she’s holding a BlogHus gathering — her BlogHer alternative. She’s wearing awesome circus shoes and wants to know if you are too. I hear the San Diego Bunch is holding their own get-together, as well — BitchHer 2008. I’ve been promised photos. And I do believe Single Working Mommy will be hosting The Human’s Party sometime soon, to kick off the weekend in style. Glitter has been mentioned, which, I don’t know about you, but in my book constitutes a done deal.

Feeva, Doogs. FEEEEVA!

Wait … Will Smith is BLACK?!?

Match Will Smith’s head to his beach body.

Um … I guess … A.

No, no … E.

Crapper. H. It has to be H.

I’m having a little trouble.

It’s not like HE’S THE ONLY BLACK GUY IN A SEA OF WHITE GUYS.

US Magazine, you know I love ya, Babe.

But YOU are RI.DI.CU.LOUS.

We interrupt this blog to annoy you.

So, it’s lunchtime and I’m in the car, heading to Taco Time. (I knooow …) I’m hitting the SCAN button on the radio, channel surfing for anything other than country. It’s slim pickens.

“And now, Slim Pickens and his Booger Nine, playing to the tune, ‘I just caint seem to get the one I want …'”

~ Bobo-ism (from waaay back)

At one point my hand leaves the toggle to reclaim the steering wheel and make a turn. I’ve lost interest in my tune quest. After a few minutes, the sound of JACKHAMMERS captures my attention. And then sawing, nail pounding and drilling. INSIDE the car.

Holy disorientation, distraction and near rear-endage.

“We’re hard at work building a new radio station,” explains a quick voice-over. “and we’ll be up and running soon …”

Oooh, I get it. BUILDING a new radio station. Apparently, in the meantime, I’m to listen to the melodic stylings of Builder Bob. 24/7. I’m all for innovative marketing. It was clever for about 60 seconds.

Someone, somewhere in town, is actually LISTENING to this, I think. And not changing the station. Incredible. I wonder if there’s such thing as Sitemeter for radio stations. If, somehow they KNOW when people are listening. And for how long.

Radio Exec #1 Arm Pump: “YES! The Construction theme’s a HIT! Check out this guy on S. 19th Avenue — he’s been listening for 53 minutes!

Radio Exec #2: “What about this Mommypie chick? She’s been on for 23!”

Well, CHAH.

Current Events Casserole

This just in: Bought MP a new pair of white tennies. Within eight hours, she’d stepped in dog poo. Just like Alanis Morrisette and that ray-ee-ain on her wedding day.

This just in: I’m SO diggin’ ‘Douche.’ As in ‘Douchebag.’ It’s crass. I don’t wanna let it go. It’s perfect. Why else would young boys everywhere claim it as their primary sound effect? DOUCHE. 10 points.

This just in: Denise Richards and her new single mom TV show? Douche. (I rest my case.)

This just in: Fox News, Michelle Obama, Baby Mama. Erin Kotecki Vest is my new American Idol. If you haven’t heard about this yet, you need to.

This just in: Only one sticker has fallen off Bossman’s car. To the best of my knowledge, he’s still driving around with one on his driver’s side mirror. Excellent.

This just in: Mommypie did NOT, in fact, have a heart attack last month. After a lengthy doctor’s appointment which included multiple lab tests, symptoms were determined to be a result of ACID REFLUX DISEASE. Yay. Unpleasant, but waaay better than the alternative. Thanks Doogs for all your support through my [tragically Clooney-less] ER episode.

This just in: My Economic Stimulus Check. Yeeeee Hoo!

Aaaannd, drum role please …

This just in: Holy crap! I MADE THE LOCAL NEWS!

How to meet a billionaire and make an impression.

So, not last week but the week before, 24 robbers came knocking on my door I had a little brush with fame and fortune.

Billionaire Media Mogul Ted Turner was in town and was the guest of honor at a casual work thing. I’ll refrain from publishing my long-standing personal opinion of the guy — he knows where I work (and could probably have me killed fired). Suffice it to say, he has a long … history in this town. Yeah.

Anyhoo, I asked my boss in advance if he’d try to get a photo of me with Mr. T. In all honesty, I had no desire to actually MEET the man, but had high hopes for a shot of me making rabbit ears behind him. Or at least doin’ the air kiss. Instead, as I jockeyed for position, Bossman unexpectedly shoved me into our special guest, held up my camera phone and asked if I could have a picture with him. I think he might have even said, “she reeeaally wants one.” Did I mention he’s a JACKASS?

Duuuh. Nice to meet you Ted.

Are you feelin’ the HOLY AWKWARD MOMENT yet? Check out my face — that’s a cross between utter mortification and mighty restraint right there, people. Because even at this precise moment, I wanted to make the crazy face. What is wrong with me? (Besides that hair. Ecch.)

Then Ted and I had a little convo. Within 20 seconds, (girlfriend? wife?) Not Jane flew in from the sidelines. Ted, now wedged between Not Jane and Crazy Stalker Chick (that would be me), and clearly even MORE uncomfortable, fell over himself to introduce her. And I wanted so badly to break out laughing, because knowing that even Ted Turner is on a short leash is … funny.

Eventually event-goers made their way to the bar.

The people watching was most excellent.

And a glass of wine later, Grammy called to say she forgot to pick up MP and could I do it, seeing as preschool closed in 10 minutes and I was closer than she was?

Back to Mommy As Usual.

If Bloggywood were on cable …

The Sex and the City cast would look like this:

Pajama Momma as Samantha: “I chew those men up and spit ’em out.”

The Bloggess as Miranda: “But with more cursing and less money.”

Mommypie as Carrie: “Because a lot of you said you were Carrie … but, ahem … you failed to tell me WHO you were. PEOPLE! You left me with no choice but to join the new cast myself …”

Mental P Mama from The Mental Pause Chronicles: “Charlotte, but with a few years.”

Lookin’ good ladies!

Here’s how the numbers came out:

34% of you said you were most like Charlotte.
24% of you said you were most like Miranda.
21% of you said you were most like Carrie.
A mere 6% of you said you were most like Samantha.
2% of you said you were most like Mr. Big.
2% of you said you were most like Smith.
And 7% of you have no idea who these people are.

Apparently, Bloggywood is full of good girls and sharp witted chicks. And just a few ho-bags. (Uh, sorry PJM — LOVE YA!)

I saw the movie last night and, of course, loved it. I walked out of the theater wanting to shop, drink and have sex. All at once. It’s been awhile since I felt that way. Mama LIKE.

So, thanks to all m’doogs who participated in my little poll! The new cast was chosen by random drawing — I had every intention of posting photos but it’s late, and this cast member’s arse, itsa draggin’.

The big day. She’s a comin’.

Just two more days until the big Sex and the City movie premiere! Squeee! (My new favorite expression.)

Unfortunately, I’m not as lucky or famous as Amy in Ohio who gets to see a sneak peek tonight. She even made her local paper for being a “Sex” Addict. Color me green with envy.

And then there’s McMommy, who has her own virtual ensemble for the event, hand selected by her own virtual stylist, The Preppy Princess.

I can’t do much about the advance tix. But I CAN give you a shot at a virtual SATC makeover, complete with new outfit and body to match. Allow moi to be your stylist for the day.

If you haven’t left a comment on the poll (See that thing up in the right hand corner?) git your butts over there and tell me which one of the gals you’re most like.

So far, there are a lot of Charlotte’s in Bloggywood. Here are the numbers to date:

32% of you are Charlotte
25% of you are Miranda
21% of you are Carrie
8% of you are Samantha
2% of you are Mr. Big
2% of you are Smith If you’re single, male and straight, call me.

And, drumrole please …

11% of you have NO idea who these people are. You have been living under a rock.

That’s okay. Rocks are good places sometimes. Quiet.

What are the rest of you waitin’ for??!? Leave a comment on the poll!! Four of you will have your lovely faces superimposed on those —> bodies. If that isn’t reason enough, I don’t know what it.

 

The post I won’t remember writing in the morning.

12:45 a.m.

“Me? I’m a legend. They call me the Cautionary Whale.”

I LOVE JUNO.

Running on two hours of sleep, but the DVD’s due back tomorrow so it was a must see tonight. I’m joining the general public on this one — two thumbs waaay up. Who knew unplanned teenage pregnancy could be so heartwarming? Now I feel all warm and fuzzy and ready for bed.

Not unlike the feeling I had ALL DAY.

For whatever reason, I was unable to fall asleep last night until 5 a.m. After hours of lying in the dark, fighting the good fight, I gave up, turned on the light, and read this fabulous NY Times article my hyper-cool city friend Steph emailed the other day. If you’re a blogger, you’ll enjoy it. I’m actually only halfway through — it’s LONG — but I’m confident it’s good to the last drop. I skipped ahead. Go on, read it. Eees good.

Aaand, right here there was a little spontaneous remark about a senator I was nominating for THIS BLOG. An hour later, I realized it might have appeared as more of a personal attack rather than truth in humor. So, I’ve taken it out, along with his photo.

*sigh*

Which totally screws up this transition, but here you go …

Speaking of lesbians, did someone Twitter today that Lindsay Lohan was GAY? Everything kind of ran together.

(Like this post.)

Hookeey, say good-night Mommypie.