The cut that’ll sweep the doggie fashion world.

So, the dog.

I have to admit, she’s making it hard not to fall in love with her.

I’ll ALSO admit, however, I’m definitely struggling with some OCD madness. I can’t stop fixating on the food that gets stuck in the long fur around her mouth. Or the white fur that’s gradually becoming stained below her chin. When she poos, all I think about is that long fur. Don’t even try to convince me the poo don’t stick. There’s got to be some transference goin’ on. And that her fur is turning more and more yellow each time she pees? Seriously. I got issues.

I think I’ll take her to the groomer. And ask for the Orifice Cut. High and tight around the mouth, peehole and butthole. That way there’s no opportunity for fur to harbor any kind of … crap. Which is then tracked into the house. All over the carpet. And up on MP’s bed.

You have to understand. I don’t even allow shoes to be worn in the house. It’s just way too gross for me. And now all I can think of are the millions of minute turd particles that are tracked in every time the dog does her bidness.

You don’t have to tell me I’m a freak. I’m WELL aware of my ridiculousness. I’m just hoping eventually I’ll get over it. I’m really trying. Because Rosie IS sweet. And MP loves her with the passion of an only child.

And there are some killer dog toys out there.

Seriously. I’m trying.

Doogs Weekend #6: A little history.

Got a good one for you this weekend, Doogs. This one has a lot of potential.

Here’s your question:

What historical event would you like to have been a part of? Why?

I’m kind of a history dork, so hopefully I’m not the only one who likes this question. Think on it for a bit. Can’t wait to read your answers!

Dog, Unexpected.

We now have a dog.

Which I nearly just forgot.

But then I got a tiny little whiff of puppy smell and remembered the black and white ball of fluff lying on the carpet just below my feet. As I write this, our new family member has been with us just over 24 hours and I’m EXHAUSTED.

Poppy surprised us with the tiny 12-week-old bundle of fur when we stopped by after work Thursday. A Shih-Tzu. Precisely the kind of dog I would NEVER choose. I don’t even know if that’s how you spell it.

She’s a Foo-Foo Grandma Lap Dog. Walking cotton candy. But she’s “hypoallergenic,” doesn’t shed, and MP’s in love with the wet-nosed new addition. And she IS incredibly sweet …

I’ll post some pics this weekend and let you know how it’s going. I’m barely functioning as I type this, and SO need to go to bed, but I feel like a new mother all over again — unsure when she needs to pee; stressin’ about the co-sleeping question, yadda yadda yadda. MP DID name her today, though. Rose. Rosie.

A dog. Wow.

Saving the world one worm at a time.

I finally unpacked my suitcase from the Hawaii trip. It’s been sitting in my living room since I walked through the door August 6. Contrary to popular opinion, I DO have a good explanation.

THIS.

THIS is what we found one morning in Hawaii, curled up dead (THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU) on the dining room tile. I did not perform my bloggerly duty very well, however, failing to get an actual photo, but I Googled the muther, and this farked-up prehistoric-looking creature IS IT. According to the almighty Internet, some of these things are highly poisonous, even deadly.

Excellent.

So, although I washed everything in my suitcase just BEFORE coming home, I haven’t been able to to unpack. I can’t shake the fear that some deadly rain forest centipede stowed away in my luggage and burrowed into the lining of my sweatpants. Or shorts. Or PJs.

To compound the situation, a few days after coming home, I found a weird black and white striped worm on the couch. My first instinct was to scoop it up in a tissue, open the door and throw it outside. And then it dawned on me that I’d never seen anything like it. It looked like something that belonged in a warmer climate.

A STOWAWAY.

And THEN I imagined throwing it in the garden, inadvertently introducing a rogue species into the region, resulting in me being solely responsible for totally farking up the ecosystem. So I flushed it down the toilet and patted myself on the back for singlehandedly saving the future of mankind. [Thank yew, thankyewverymuch.]

Two days later, I found another. Worm spawn. More than likely hatched from eggs laid in my suitcase. Or the lining of my sweats.

THIS is why I haven’t unpacked until now. THIS is my good explanation. I thought maybe without food, whatever was hatching in my clothes would starve to death. Which, although completely sound logic in my opinion, doesn’t really matter because in the end I wound up washing everything again anyway.

And hanging it on my “clothes line” outside.

Where some native insect undoubtedly burrowed into my pockets and laid eggs.

Milk trucks and douche-ins.

Last night on the way home, MP started singing to the 80s compilation CD [High School Musical 1986] my friend Finn put together for the Hawaii trip. Berlin’s “Metro” was on.

MP: Hey! Riding on the Milk Truck.

ME: Riding on the Milk Truck?

MP: No, MET Truck. Riding on the MET Truck. [Riding on the Met-ro]

ME: Met Truck?

MP: You know. Met. Like you MET someone? Like you go to the truck to meet people?

ME: Ooh, MET.

MP: Yeah. Met.

All the way home it was “Riding on the Met Truck, Riding on the Met Truck, Riding on the Met Truck” sung to her own tune and tempo, which got faster and faster the closer we got to home.

She also thinks “Sunglasses at Night” is Corey Hart singing about a Diet Shake. [ … the Guy in Shades = Diet Shake]

My absolute favorite though, is “Row Your Boat.”

Row, row, row your boat
Gently through the stream
Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary
Like a butter dream.

I had a friend in high school who thought Sade’s “Smooth Operator” was actually “Oooooo Baba-retta.” Oh yeah. She was serious. She also thought the Clash’s “Rock the Casbah” was “Rock the Cat’s Paw” — the Cat’s Paw being a local bar.

And what’s that song with the line, “Blinded by the light … Dressed up like a douche-in in the middle of the night …?”

Douche-in? Is that like a Sit-in? Where we all sing douche protest songs and quote Gloria Steinem? And drink vinegar and water? Or maybe it’s a Halloween song? About trick-or-treating?

I never DID know what that meant.

Playing ketchup. With mustard and onions.

I have so much to catch up on blogwise, workwise, lifewise. And trying to squeeze actual SLEEP in somewhere … CHAH. I apologize to all my blog buddies for being MIA lately — I’ll be back making the rounds soon. I’m just a bit sleep-deprived and crazy at the moment. Outstanding items include:

1. Auds’ Dinner Party Post. I swear, Auds, it’s coming. I may even do TWO to make up for my tardiness. Narrowing down the guest list is hard but I’m ALMOST there. Swear on MP’s Scooby Snacks. Which is what I’m bringing, btw.

2. Sharing the love. Lately I’ve been bestowed some pretty great awards by some pretty great bloggers. I need to tell you all about it and pass ’em on. Not to mention update my pathetic sidebar. Oh, and MEMES. Still have a few hangin’ out there.

3. Chronicle. Things like last week’s swim lessons. And last weekend’s boating excursion. And Bobo flagging down ANYONE to come get us out of the middle of the LAKE as we took on water. And the start of MP’s gymnastics in a few days. And my Olympic aspirations. And MP’s outta control eczema explosion.

4. MORE Hawaii. Speaking of explosions, I STILL have to tell you about the volcano. Because, seriously, how often am I going to walk on old lava flows and inhale VOG. (Volcano + Fog = VOG. Shockingly, this is a word I did NOT make up.) In the dark with flashlights, no less.

5. Men coming out of the woodwork. Suddenly, all my friends have decided to have their single guy friends CALL me. And EMAIL me. Complete strangers. I have reacted as only I know how — sticking my fingers in my ears and singing “LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEEEEAR YOU” at the top of my VOG tainted lungs.

6. Guest Posts. I’ll be over at McMommy‘s sometime this week. And at Co-Worker QB’s place. McMommy’s post is ready to go, but QB, gotta tell ya, I have NO idea what will fly out of my butt. Consider yourself forewarned.

6. Work. I scored a very cool freelance job! And all because of the blog! It’s only about eight hours of work, but totally up my alley. Oh yeah — it’s due in the morning.

Which is my cue to get back on it …

zzzzzzz

Proof positive that an old dog CAN learn new tricks.

Last night I looked at the video footage from Hawaii for the first time and I just about peed my pants.

This was our last night at the house. Three had already flown home, which left Cannonball, Hamster and me. And a pool. And a video camera. Oh yeah. And ALCOHOL.

And this is how Cannonball got her name.

Honestly, I cannot BELIEVE I’m actually showing you this. Fair warning: it was a late night, and I look like a like a pile of hot cross dog crap. Helluuu no makeup. And it’s probably only funny to a few people, i.e., the three in the video. Those weird voices and lip movements? Yeah, we were on some Japanese movie trip. Just ignore it — we’re 11. Needless to say, as you’ll probably figure out, there were quite a few margaritas involved.

AND, most importantly, don’t watch it more than once (like you would anyway), or you’ll want to punch me in the face for the constant LAUGHING.

It’s safe to say I’ve never been called a mean drunk.

HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE VIDEO — IT’LL BE BACK UP SOON!

Doogs Weekend #5: The Power of Scent

Dove soap always reminds me of my friend Hamster’s house. It smelled like Dove in the early 80s. It STILL smells like Dove soap today.

Ciara and Jean Nate always remind me of my mom. Polo, my brother. The smell of gin reminds me of my grandmother. And every morning, MP kinda smells like scrambled eggs.

The perfume Tatiana, and the scent of gardenias in general, reminds me of Drew, my first love. He was the first to ever give me perfume.

The smell of sulphur — Yellowstone Park. And chlorine and Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers will forever be summer.

There are so many indescribable scents that bring back memories of people, of events, of time long gone. If I concentrate, I can conjure them, seemingly IN my nose.

Now it’s your turn, Doogs.

What are some of YOUR scent memories?

And … go.

A diamond is forever. So’s that chocolate stuck to my butt.

Last night was my monthly networking cocktaily thing. Every four weeks it’s hosted by a different area business — this month it was hosted by a jeweler. Whoever thought this one up is nothing short of genius. Offer 20 different wines to 100 women, some with their spouses, get them loaded and provide the perfect setting for impulse shopping.

And, just to ensure your prey is feelin’ good and primed to buy, offer this.

I’ll have an extra shot of endorphins, please?

In addition to Co-worker, my good friend Megan and I spent a LOT of time admiring these beauties, made by a local chocolatier. Come to think of it, we paid more attention to the chocolate than the jewelry. Which is good for my overdrawn bank account. Not so good for my arse.

Someone plays dirty.

From the minute she woke up.

Mama, when we go to Hawaii can we see the dolphins? Because I love dolphins. They’re my FAVORITE. And can I get a blue Hawaii skirt? And a pink one. Cause I only have GREEN. Mama? Did you see any coconuts when you were in Hawaii? Can we put a straw in them and drink the milk when we go there? And can we have one of these pinecones? [Now looking at Oriental Trading Company catalog] I mean pineAPPLES. Is there a wishing well around here? Cause, wishing wells make all your wishes come true. And Mama? Cameron and Kamber have monkey aminal hats, and I want one too. Can I have the horsey one pleeeeaaaaseee? The sun is really hot today. Is it almost winter? By August, the tomatoes will be covered with snow! And the tomatoes will eat it all up. ‘Cause ya know, tomatoes have to EAT? And can I have that bag? The one the lady in the picture has? So I can take it to Hawaii? And put Gingy [her stuffed dog] in it? Ya know, I wish for a lot lately. And can I have my own ki-tar? I would like a musical instrument. I see two different ones. One is pink and one is blue. They’re almost the same. See Mama? I would like the purple because purple is the beautifulist. Looks like it’s going to storm today. But the sun is still out.

Thanks for letting me have some of the stuff, Mama. It’s really nice to let people have the things they want. That means it’s sharing and helping out.

Right?