This just in.
Elmo’s a perv.
P.S. Thanks QB for makin’ my day.
Five million things on my mind, and unable to place any of them into on coherent post, so I’m going with the piecemeal theme this morning.
First, I need to say I’ve been totally consumed with vampires, thanks to the combination of my new favorite show True Blood on HBO and the Tweeple’s suggestion I read the latest hot novel, Twilight. Finding it in the Young Readers section at the bookstore left me a leettle worried and wondering just WHO you people are. I almost passed. I was skeptical at first, but ultimately, I trust the Doogs, because I do know you’re a bunch of smart cookies, and gotta say … lovin’ it so far.
Now I want a vampire lover. (Methinks I smell a post brewin’ …)
And since I got nothin’, I’ll leave you with these little time capsule nuggets.
Notable Moments in Pie Town Last Week
Dropping MP off at preschool, she looks up at me, and holding her stomach says, “My tummy hurts.”
A four-year-old classmate, sitting nearby, looks up at me, and holding his crotch says, “My balls hurt.”
MP stripped nekkid and on her way to the bath, catches a glimpse of herself in the bathroom’s full-size mirror, stops, poses and says admiringly,
“Humina, humina, hhhumina.”
MP speeding down the front walk on her pink and purple HotWheel.
ME: (yelling from the front step) Be careful, crazy driver!
MP: (screeching to a halt in front of me) You don’t need a license to drrrive a sandwich.
Aw. My little Spongebob.
I have so much to catch up on blogwise, workwise, lifewise. And trying to squeeze actual SLEEP in somewhere … CHAH. I apologize to all my blog buddies for being MIA lately — I’ll be back making the rounds soon. I’m just a bit sleep-deprived and crazy at the moment. Outstanding items include:
1. Auds’ Dinner Party Post. I swear, Auds, it’s coming. I may even do TWO to make up for my tardiness. Narrowing down the guest list is hard but I’m ALMOST there. Swear on MP’s Scooby Snacks. Which is what I’m bringing, btw.
2. Sharing the love. Lately I’ve been bestowed some pretty great awards by some pretty great bloggers. I need to tell you all about it and pass ’em on. Not to mention update my pathetic sidebar. Oh, and MEMES. Still have a few hangin’ out there.
3. Chronicle. Things like last week’s swim lessons. And last weekend’s boating excursion. And Bobo flagging down ANYONE to come get us out of the middle of the LAKE as we took on water. And the start of MP’s gymnastics in a few days. And my Olympic aspirations. And MP’s outta control eczema explosion.
4. MORE Hawaii. Speaking of explosions, I STILL have to tell you about the volcano. Because, seriously, how often am I going to walk on old lava flows and inhale VOG. (Volcano + Fog = VOG. Shockingly, this is a word I did NOT make up.) In the dark with flashlights, no less.
5. Men coming out of the woodwork. Suddenly, all my friends have decided to have their single guy friends CALL me. And EMAIL me. Complete strangers. I have reacted as only I know how — sticking my fingers in my ears and singing “LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEEEEAR YOU” at the top of my VOG tainted lungs.
6. Guest Posts. I’ll be over at McMommy‘s sometime this week. And at Co-Worker QB’s place. McMommy’s post is ready to go, but QB, gotta tell ya, I have NO idea what will fly out of my butt. Consider yourself forewarned.
6. Work. I scored a very cool freelance job! And all because of the blog! It’s only about eight hours of work, but totally up my alley. Oh yeah — it’s due in the morning.
Which is my cue to get back on it …
Mama, when we go to Hawaii can we see the dolphins? Because I love dolphins. They’re my FAVORITE. And can I get a blue Hawaii skirt? And a pink one. Cause I only have GREEN. Mama? Did you see any coconuts when you were in Hawaii? Can we put a straw in them and drink the milk when we go there? And can we have one of these pinecones? [Now looking at Oriental Trading Company catalog] I mean pineAPPLES. Is there a wishing well around here? Cause, wishing wells make all your wishes come true. And Mama? Cameron and Kamber have monkey aminal hats, and I want one too. Can I have the horsey one pleeeeaaaaseee? The sun is really hot today. Is it almost winter? By August, the tomatoes will be covered with snow! And the tomatoes will eat it all up. ‘Cause ya know, tomatoes have to EAT? And can I have that bag? The one the lady in the picture has? So I can take it to Hawaii? And put Gingy [her stuffed dog] in it? Ya know, I wish for a lot lately. And can I have my own ki-tar? I would like a musical instrument. I see two different ones. One is pink and one is blue. They’re almost the same. See Mama? I would like the purple because purple is the beautifulist. Looks like it’s going to storm today. But the sun is still out.
Thanks for letting me have some of the stuff, Mama. It’s really nice to let people have the things they want. That means it’s sharing and helping out.
My head is buzzing with To Dos.
And the fruit flies are buzzing around my head. Not kidding. They’re ALL over my house the past week and I have no idea where they’re coming from. MP says I shouldn’t kill them because they’re babies who came into the house to get out of the wind and learn how to fly. Yeah, I got nothin’.
Anyhoo, ridding my house of the fruit flies, baby or otherwise, is just one of the things on my list. I’ve also been tagged with a crazy amount of memes I’ve let pile up over the past few months. Tonight, I tackle two.
Flickrlovr tagged me with a Six Word Meme. I’m supposed to define my life in six words and then tag five other people. I’m goin’ with:
2. OCD (which is really three words, but let’s not worry about that, mkay?)
“Tell us/me/the world 10 interesting/random/quirky/normal/silly things about yourself … things you’re looking forward to, things about you personally, whatever you want.”
1. I am chronically late. Oh, and I HATE that. I could have a five hour head start, and it wouldn’t matter one ounce. I’d STILL walk out the door late. And it’s ALWAYS been that way. It’s not that I don’t respect other’s time — I DO! I’m just resigned to the fact I’ll forever be the last to arrive.
2. I’m an insane night person. And absolutely NOT a morning person. On average, I go to bed every night between midnight and 2 a.m. and usually exist on five hours of sleep a day. Which is not nearly enough.
3. If given the chance, I’ll sleep 12 hours with no problem. I LOVE sleep.
4. I totally mowed on THESE tonight. Food that comes in a big white bucket ROCKS.
5. I love to fly fish. Have since I was a kid. And I hate Robert Redford and his damn River Runs Through It. He’s single-handedly brought more damn people to my town than anything else. The rivers are crowded. It’s not the same. And we haven’t gone ONCE this summer, which makes me sad.
6. I have a mole IN my bellybutton. When I was a kid, I could see barely a hint of black in there. Somehow I came to believe it was a stitch left over from birth. Then, when I was pregnant and the button nearly popped, I found it. A MOLE. Weird.
7. I used to drink a buttload of milk. I haven’t touched it in over six months because I read an AWFUL article that talked about pus and blood entirely too much. It RUINED a good thing for me.
8. I spent two years as an organ donation triage coordinator. I did death eight hours a day. Which sounds depressing, but was actually quite uplifting. It’s a cause I am passionate about. It’s a good thing.
9. I worked at MusicLand the last two years of high school. I remember the words that came out of my mouth when we started stocking CDs. “These’ll never last. You can’t record on them like a tape.” Oh, hai Nostradamus.
10. I love antiques and have quite a few, but am always afraid of the memories/energy they might carry, and that they could be haunted.
I’m tagging: Cutie Booty Cakes, Big Hair Envy, The Mental Pause Chronicles, A Bit Squirrley, We Make Three, Waltz in Exile, Donna Reed in Blue Jeans, A Brand New Day with No Mistakes In It … Yet, Stay At Home Something, Lit and Laundry
And now, I’m off to bed for tonight’s five hours.
Yesterday, the Absurdly Delicious and Crazytown planets aligned to create the convergence of TWO, count ’em, TWO crazy car encounters. Both during lunch.
First came as I was walking out of the office. Guy in parking lot. Pucca Shell necklace. 80s blow dried mullet. Getting into an over-sized red pickup with the license plate Get Wild.
I frantically fumbled for my camera phone, but by the time I got it together, the moment had passed and Magnum was gone.
The next moment came as I was sitting in the Taco John’s drive thru. THIS pulled up and parked.
Slow on the draw again, I missed the driver getting out of the car.
Allow me to paint a visual.
Larry the Cable Guy. Not the real one, but close enough.
It’s a sign. The world, she is AWESOME.
The past week has been so full of gut-busting stories — most of the really good ones told by people other than me. Before I forget, I must relay a short story about my friend Cannonball. (The origin of her name will be revealed in a later post. Which may or may not include video footage.)
So, Cannonball was sitting next to a co-worker at a seminar, when she noticed a piece of lint on Co-worker’s pants. As Co-worker’s attention was focused on the speaker, Cannonball reached over, and nonchalantly plucked the fuzz from her leg. Something we’ve all done.
But this fuzz was springy.
And as she pulled on it, it made a stretchy, gooey bridge between finger and pantleg.
See it in slow-mo.
Think rubber cement.
It was a booger.
Turns out co-worker had sneezed and surreptitiously wiped her hand on her pant leg. And was now horrified. As was Cannonball, who, by sheer will alone, successfully managed to suppress the the surge of vomit welling in her throat. Had that been ME, the story would’ve ended waaaay differently.
And THAT, gentle reader, is why I’ll never groom another human outside my gene pool. AGAIN.
Dear Mixmaster D (or the artist formerly known as San Diego Momma),
You ROCK. Last night, you spent hours with Mommypie, trying to help Retardo Montablan compile and embed the BlogHerNot ’08 Party Playlist on her site.
My sincerest apologies for getting so heated. And burning Mommypie’s lap. I partied so freakin’ hard over the weekend, I’m not quite up to speed yet, and when I get frustrated, I tend to crash. Sorry for going off so many times last night. I shouldn’t have lost my temper.
A big thank you for offering to post the playlist on YOUR SITE, when I flaked. The tracks from Single Working Mommy’s Human Party and Modern Single Momma’s After Party are bumpin’. Awesome compilation. After all that trouble, the BlogHerNot Beetches better go to your site and check it out.
I know Mommypie’s totally jammin’ to the soundtrack right now – cheating on me with that fat desktop slut at work. Dirty Dell Ho.
Oh yeah, one more item. According to this thing …
Mommypie just discovered AliasMother through BlogHerNot and I totally agree she’s all kinds of funny. Congratulations AM – can’t wait to see photos. Of you and George in bed. So Mommypie can sell them to TMZ. And get that boob job she won’t shut up about.
As soon as I calm down and decide to play nice I’ll have one last bonus for the BlogHerNots. Probably tomorrow though. My head is pounding like a muthaboard.
A flooded basement
A ripped up wood floor
A broken garage door
A broken washing machine
A broken checkbook
A Vietnam Vet
Jack and Jill, Lady and the Tramp and Scooby Doo
A lot of sweaty yard work
Vodka lemonades with friends
Monkey butts and a merry-go-round
Ghosties and things that go bump in the night
Allergic eyes swollen shut in cat dander protest
Hot light bulbs and tiny fingers
Dirty Jobs, Deadliest Catch, and most importantly, my new secret boyfriend, Mike Rowe
Not to mention
Three-week old yummy baby cuddles and two-year old tickly toddler hugs
What a trip.
10:30 p.m. and JUST now got MP down to sleep. It seems a few obligatory overpriced toys from the Denver Zoo Gift Shop weren’t the only things she came home with. Add a 102 degree temp to the list. At this moment, preschool tomorrow is up in the air.
Considering the late hour, my sheer exhaustion and an anticipated restless night with a sick preschooler, I’m hittin’ the hay. I’ll recap the whole quick trip in more detail later, mkay?
It’s good to be home.
How I know it’s time to get my roots done.
Mommy, I know what color your hair is.
You do? What color?
Acorns are brown at the top.
The first time she’s noticed any difference.
(Watching the Bill Cosby cartoon featuring a black family)
Mommy, Little Bill and his mom forgot to put sunscreen on.