I had no idea the Bible included fairies.

This Easter was a first. I took MP to church.

The morning was spent hunting for eggs … 63 to be exact. Sixty-three eggs means a LOT of photos. By my best estimation, MP had had enough of the camera and “Show me the egg!” around number 38.


An hour later, after each and every egg had been accounted for, we put on our best duds and raced into church — something, admittedly, I haven’t done … uh … in awhile. I think the last time I went was MP’s baptism at eight months, and that was in a different town altogether. Bad Mommy. At any rate, MP was crazy excited to dress up and go to Easter Services …

Which lasted about 10 minutes into the sermon. Much to the amusement of the parishioners seated behind us, MP occupied herself by practicing curtsies and bows in the aisle until a woman in the back delivered a Jesus Coloring Book and crayons. MP colored everyone purple and gave them green hair. Very Easter-y, if I do say so myself.

When she tired of that, she busied herself “reading” the Bible. Aloud. Dueteronomy. I had a hard time containing myself. Did you know Dueteronomy is all about fairies? I had no idea.

At one point, the priest was singing praise to God, and encouraging everyone to join in. Elderly people starting clapping, snapping, ringing bells and SHAKING KEYS. Yes, shaky old people shaking keys. Which, aside from those 20/20 reports highlighting people speaking in tongues, rolling on the floor and handling poisonous snakes, was just the weirdest thing I’d seen in church, EVER.

For a split second, MP freaked out. Covering her ears, she looked up and me, and with panic in her voice, asked what the noise was. I picked her up so she could see better.

“Um, that’s just people ringing bells,” I said.

“And … shaking KEYS?” she said. We looked at each other and cracked up. We decided God must be hard of hearing.

I thought we were going to get through it until she heard “Holy Spirit” and about crapped a brick.

Now she thinks God is a ghost.


Filed under Holiday Piece

24 responses to “I had no idea the Bible included fairies.

  1. Heh, crapped a brick. I haven’t heard that in ages! church can be a little scary for kids. All the flowing robes, incense and candles are a little like a ghost story.

  2. I understand. The catholic church and I had a falling out a number of years ago, and as such, my kids have seen the inside of a church…um, not so often. So here I am, freshly divorced with my four children under the age of 8 and my mom decides we all need to go to Easter mass. It’s so packed that we have to stand in the vestibule at the back, shoulder to shoulder with all the other late arrivals.
    When the priest says “the Grace of God…” my daughter Grace (about 3) says, ‘Hey! Grandma! That’s my name!”
    yep folks, church is new to us 🙂
    Fairies in Dueteronomy? That’s enough to make me unpack a bible and see what’s up 🙂

  3. I took my son to church a lot when he was younger. It was very entertaining. I took him up for communion, he must have been 2 or 3? I showed him how to cup his hands to receive “the bread of Heaven” and then the wine came, he said “No….Grady don’t like wine” and walked off:)
    He also thought he should clap and outburst “yeh” after the choir sang:)
    I love this age!

  4. It’s been a while since I’ve been in church, too. Strangely, it’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.

    The whole process must have seemed crazy to MP, having never been before. She seemed to handle it pretty well.

  5. My grandmother used to love telling the story about taking me to church when I was about 5. She took me to Notre Dame in Montreal, very dark and catholic, with funny smells and eerie silences. She said I looked terrified as she walked me around showing me all those scary pictures of an almost-dead guy hanging from a cross (what could be scary there?).

    When she finally got me back outside into the sunshine, she asked me what I thought. My reply?

    “Gramma, I don’t think I like all that God-stuff very much.”

    My sentiment has never really changed. Churches still sort of scare me, though I have toured many of the more beautiful ones throughout Europe. Its odd that they can make churches so beautiful, but then add enough of the frightening stuff to set you off kilter just a little.

    To me churches should be filled with light and beauty and maybe even a few fairies!

  6. What the crap kind of church is this? I’m sure MP was scared out of her gourd! There’s not enough Easter chocolate that can cure a Seniors With Keys hangover. Back away from the keys…slowly.

  7. Lindsay

    I usually just lurk, as I’m not one who likes to comment, but I just wanted to tell you that I truly enjoy your blog.

    However, I did want to mention that I found the part about speaking in tongues slightly hurtful. I’ve been a Pentecostal my entire life, and it’s really not as insane as other people make it out to be. Maybe I’m just entirely too sensitive, but still.

    Either way, I still adore your blog, and I think I’ll make more of an effort to comment in the future. (:

  8. Hi Lindsay –

    I thought a lot about your comment and really took it to heart. You made me think. Totally wrong of me to be so insensitive — just because something is foreign to me, I shouldn’t be so quick to label it as weird. For someone who considers herself SUPER non-judgmental, you opened my eyes, Doog.

    My bad. 😦

  9. Shaking keys? That’s about the most bizarre thing I’ve heard of in a church! Sounds like MP is a delight – if I’d have known about the fairies in the Bible maybe I’d have read it sooner… 🙂

  10. another co-worker

    I agree with QB. Totally. You picked a crappy church. You should go to my church. Oh, that’s right, my church is smokey, has pool tables and they serve vodka. Not the blood of Christ. I forgot.

  11. Angie

    I think I like MP’s version of Deuteronomy better!

  12. Toots came home from her Lutheran preschool several months ago and told me in shock, “Mom! You didn’t tell me God was a holy spirit!”

    Being that she likes smooky as much as I do, it took awhile to explain that holy spirit was a good thing and not going to rattle chains or moan freakishly.

  13. This is a great story, but what I really love is the outfit that totally matches all those fancy eggs she and Grammy died the day before. 🙂

  14. ACK! I meant dyed. So sorry. Feel free to delete that last comment for its utter inadvertent inappropriateness. So sorry.

  15. This is why I don’t go to church. It’s just too loud and confusing.

    Also, I’m pretty sure my ticket to hell was bought and paid for a long time ago, so what’s the point?

  16. Andi

    Yeah, I should so totally start taking Lauren to church, but it’s easier to just sleep in.

    Cute leggings on MP, btw… I so want her little wardrobe!

  17. bigskylifecoach

    Definitely brought back memories.

    Grew up in one of the Roman catholic families where everyone spoke in tongues……I’m still recovering!

    After years of meandering, I found a funky little small Lutheran Church I take my kids to.
    …..and with a daughter named Grace I can be assured she feels pretty special at least once a week (or month, depending on how much we go) and has one up on her brothers!

  18. Yeah what kind of church is that?You said Priest which makes me think Catholic but I have been Catholic a looong time and we never shake keys.It is too funny though,my kids would have freaked!!
    Once my son who was three at the time took off hs shoe and THREW it across three pews in the middle of preparing the Eucharist(sp),yelling”I TOLD YOU THESE SHOES HURT MY FEET AND I DONT LIKE THEM” Beleiev em it was his last time there for awhile..
    Funny thing though, I had not been to church in a year and my 13 yr.old daughter really wanted to go back and so we went last weekend as well..Guess Easte ris a greta time to start.Sorry so long.lol
    Love the blog !!

  19. As close as you can get … Episcopalian. I’ve NEVER seen it in any other church. Maybe it’s a regional thing. Or an old people thing.

    Don’t even get me STARTED about taking communion out of the communal cup. ECCHHH.

  20. I’m is at the age as well, where trying to grasp the concept of the “Holy GHOST” is harder than hell…no puns intended. Well, OK, I fully intended them.

  21. In our church (Presbyterian-Methodist, because no one has started a Heathen church, and I don’t have time) there is a children’s message. The pastor — who is one of my favorite people — invites all the children to the front of the church, where they lounge around on the steps and she gives them a Sermon Lite. They usually do something entertaining. Then they all troupe off to Sunday School and we have the drier portion of church.

    It’s a good system, actually, because they get some music and prayer and ritual and the Message, and just before they can’t take it one more second they are released to go color and talk about Jesus. And have graham crackers.

    Which sounds kinda good right now.

  22. Caress Richardson

    that was probably the most amusing article i’ve read in a while. i was actually searching for clippings about whther or not fairies existed and if they are mentioned in biblical writings lol. i found your page that way. your daughter is amazing and it’s always heartwarming to hear stories that help the church to be viewed in a more humorous light. thank you so much for your story 🙂

  23. susy

    hey i just wanted to say to the woman that ”already bought her ticket to hell” that god forgives EVERYTHING and if you don’t ask for forgiveness you will be regretting it in hell. im not trying to be mean but if you listen to me you’le thank me later

  24. susy

    (that would be bejewell)

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