Driving Miss MaggiePie

MP LOVES maps. LOVES. She has a collection from different towns; different states even. She loves to see exactly where we’re going. This cartographic gene clearly comes from her father, who shared the same fascination. I, on the other hand, couldn’t find my hand in front of my face on a clear day.

So, I have to admit, I’m impressed.

Lately, however, I can’t shake the feeling I’m in the car with my dad, who’s famous for his … er … very specific directions. (Which, in case you missed it, is my attempt at subtlety. It just sounds nicer than [holy-hell-zip-it-up-I-know-how-to-drive] Backseat Driver.)

To illustrate my point, here was the view from the driver’s seat today, taken with my camera phone.

Today’s conversation went a little like this:

MP: Now, where is the post office? (Very serious.)

Me: Just up ahead. Better hurry and finish your snack.

MP: I see two taffit lights on da map. (Pointing to the window) There’s one! There’s one!

Me: Yep.

MP: Mommy, you need to turn RIGHT. The map says to go RIGHT.

Me: This is a shortcut.

MP: What’s a shortcut?

Me: It’s the fastest way to get somewhere. It’s quicker.

MP: Hmmm … I don’t see that on da map …

Me: We’re almost there.

MP: Where’s da udder traffit light?

Me: I don’t think there is another traffic light.

MP: It’s on the map.

Me: See, the post office is right there.

(pause)

MP: Why is it called a ‘post’ office?

Me: Uh … Because that’s where people go to post their mail. ‘Post’ means ‘mail.’

MP: Huh?

Me: Means ‘send.’

MP: Can I bring my map into the post office?

Okay, so it’s not as annoying as my dad.

The Mommy Switch

As of a few days ago, instead of emulating her mommy with a little ‘Newman’ (my Seinfeld swear word sub, which, coming out of a preschooler is Comedy Central) MP has decided she wants to say ‘Human’ instead.

I cannnot tell you how it lightens my day (I’m thinking about it right now) to visualize her playing cards, flipping over Old Maid, shaking her fist and muttering, “HUUman!”

It’s actually what prompted me to log on and blog in the middle of my workday. So, to ensure I’m still gainfully employed in the morning, I’ll be brief ….

It’s little things like ‘Human’ that just … get me. For instance, there’s just one night a month I schedule to go out (in case you were wondering, I have zero social life) – it’s a regular business thing (now you REALLY feel sorry for me). A cocktaily networking thing. Which is usually a nice diversion, but I’m wearing a nametag, and it’s still work. Tonight’s that night.

Most times I’m able to turn off the Mommy Switch, and relax for a few hours. Drinks, appetizers, adults I like – I should be in Heaven. But inevitably, after an hour or two, I’ll find myself in a sea of people, listening to someone blah-bu-blah-blah-blah … and the switch is tripped. I think about the little things. And I just want to be home.

Do I hear a ‘Human?’

Can I get a little ‘Human’ here?

Holy Bladder Control Issue

This TOTALLY made my week.

what_celebrities_would_look_like_if_they_moved.ppt

Broccoli in the Bath Water

Broccoli in the bath water
Noodles and hamburger too
Take more than an hour to eat your dinner,
And it will go with you.

You say you’re full
I know you’re not
You’ll be up in an hour, it’s true
Begging and pleading and shedding those tears
all for a cracker or two.

So into the tub
Into the tub
Into the tub with you.
You’ll finish your dinner
And stay in your seat
Sure as the sky is blue.

Don’t worry if your veggies get wet
I promise it won’t hurt you
Honestly, it’s not a big deal
Remember your mouth is wet too.

See, it’s a treat to eat in the tub
Multi-tasking is fun!
As long as it works and you get to bed
Before the rise of the sun.

The Worts Pies in the World

Someone Googled this today and found me.

Whatever works.

The Secret Life of Parents

2008 is a milestone year around here. This is the year my old friends and I all turn 40. Crazy.

Saturday night I went to the first, of what I’m sure will be many, 40th b-day celebrations. This one was at the home of a married couple I’ve known since high school – in fact, they’ve been together since high school. Now, more than two decades and a set of 12-year-old triplets later, they’re still throwing the best parties.

Most faces were familiar; a few were new. Like the older gentleman and his wife who, after a few drinks and a little polite conversation, told me I reminded them of a heroine in a Jane Austin novel.

“How is it,” they wondered aloud, “that a woman as charming and engaging as you hasn’t found anyone yet? We MUST find you a man!”

At any rate, let’s say the night was roughly 98 percent Married with Children. And of course, Le Token Single Mama. Which is okay, because I actually love hanging out with cool couples.

After much wine, cheese, sushi (not for me thank you), and even a few bottles of Dom (uh, not FROM me, thank you), the music got louder, and before I knew it, yours truly was belting out Should I Stay or Should I Go … into a mic. In the livingroom. The Clash never sounded so … dog howlingly bad.

But SO barkin’ fun.

It wasn’t long before things progressed to one of those side-splitting, pee-your-pants, hysterically memorable nights.

If you’ve ever heard of Guitar Hero (and if you haven’t, don’t feel badly – it was new to me too), Rock Band is a step above (check out this recent CNN report) – it’s this amazing video game that incorporates two guitars, a drum set and a mic. Band members all ‘play’ (and sing) along with rock songs, trying not to miss a note. (I had my turn at bass guitar too.) I am so NOT a video game person, but I gotta admit, this puts Scattergories and Pictionary to shame. (Holy Dork.) I snapped a few shots with my camera phone, that sadly, turned out way too crappy to post, which bums me out because I wanted to share the night’s awesome rock star goodness …

So there you have it – the more things change, the more they stay the same. Well, kinda. What do you think your parents were doing all those years ago, while you were at home with a sitter?

Uh, scratch that – mine were probably at some 70s wife swapping key party.

This was much better.

Sleeppicker Strikes Again

6:41 a.m.
Hep me Rhonda.

Another panic stricken bloody morning for MP.

Booger Lady’s BandAid idea lastest all of 20 minutes. If anyone has any advice, I’m all ears. Seriously.