Monthly Archives: February 2009

While the Pie’s away, the boy will play.

MP is in bed. The Pie is out on assignment, and I am here. Who am I? I’m “The Boy.” (AKA ”Deef.” AKA “Uhg.”)


I’ve read the blog, and I’ve read most of the comments. Especially recently. And … since she won’t give you details, I will.


Really ready?

Really REALLY ready?

I am the most shallow person in the world. I am a typical “guy.” I have a Seinfeld-like knack for finding everything and anything wrong with a girl. Wanna hear my most recent disasters?


• Lived for the most recent celebrity magazines. Did Branjolina really just adopt another baby? How could I have missed that?

• Actually watched too much SportsCenter. Unbelievable, but true. A-Rod really did Madonna … AND Steroids?

• Was moley moley moley. Ahhh yuck. Need I say more?

• Liked boys who wore ties. I rarely wear socks.

• Was kind, considerate and giving. (Read as: can I please have 10 minutes alone? How about 5?)

• Blah, blah blah. (Read as blah, blah, blah.) That’s what she said.

Yup. Typical guy. That’s me. Just ask Pie.

My only problem is: I can’t find anything wrong with Pie. Believe me, I’ve tried. And now I’ve spent face time with her. And she only gets sweeter.



“THE” Boy


Filed under Guest Doog

Because really. Is there anything better than AI and Checkers?

So …


He arrived at 1:00 this afternoon, it’s now 9:30 and so far, so good. Okay, so far, so FANTASTIC. We’ve already been to Costco together, gone out for a romantic fast-food taco lunch, had a little nap, toured MP’s preschool, eaten pizza with Grammy and Poppy, entertained ourselves with American Idol, and as I write this, he and MP are engaged in a rousing game of Checkers.

Ah, bliss …


Filed under A Little Piece of My Heart

Seefood. It’s what’s for dinner.

My oldest friend, Hamster, is back in town with her family for a visit. Come to find out, she doesn’t really appreciate being called Hamster, but it’s just too perfect, seeing as a) It’s a perfect bastardization of her actual last name; b) I made her buy a pet hamster when we lived in the dorm together freshman year. She hated the thing. One day it disappeared. Just vanished from it’s cage. I’m not sure I remember the REAL story, but I’m pretty sure she let it loose in the halls one night. I never DID pay her back …; and c) I can’t help but think of Richard Gere when I say her name. And claustrophobic gerbils. Which makes the 11-year-old boy in me snort. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, Google it. I ain’t tellin’ ya.

Anyhoo, we hooked up with them the other night at a local joint, and when MP and Hamster’s daughter donned Buffalo Princess Crowns, I broke out the camera phone and told the girls to smile.

Look how well Hamster’s daughter plays along.


Look how well MP… displays the food in her mouth.

See how Hamster’s daughter’s eyes are blacked out? A few years back, when Hamster’s son was a baby, she dressed him in what she considered an adorable sweater. An adorable sweater covered in hearts. In fact, she thought it was SO cute, she emailed a photo to a few friends.

Months later, Hamster receives an email with the subject line “Cheesy Baby Clothes” or some such thing. Turns out it had been making it’s way around the web. And there, along with dozens of babies dressed in criminally heinous ensembles, is her boy. In his heart sweater.

She never DID find out how it happened. And needless to say, she’s more than a little leery about putting her kids’ photos on the web.

I tell you this in the hopes it will serve as a cautionary tale. If you insist on wearing anything remotely resembling a heart sweater, for God’s sake, keep it to yourself. That shite’s just a BAD idea all day long.


Filed under Uncategorized

Matrimony Giveaway Winner!

Congratulations Oakland Mama! You’re the lucky winner of the fabulous book, Matrimony, by Joshua Henkin!


Thanks to Josh for this great giveaway, and to all who participated — I encourage you to run right out and get this one for yourselves!

1 Comment

Filed under Contest Winners

Facebook is the Devil’s Playground. Or Beavis and Butthead’s. Something like that.

On average, The Boy and I talk about 3-4 hours a night. Sometimes he’ll be on Facebook on his end of the country, and I’ll be on Facebook on my end of the country. Which is apropos, considering it’s how we reconnected with each other. It’s also dangerous, seeing how we’re both 11-year-old boys at heart who enjoy nothing more than hijacking mutual friends’ pages. We also enjoy Ding Dong Ditch, crank calls and flaming dog poo on doorsteps, but I digress.

So now, for your amusement, because it’s late, and I got nothin’, here’s a little something from last night. Read THIS and tell me we’re not perfect for each other. I dare ya.

My apologies for the sloppy Witness Protection Treatment. Meh.



Filed under Piece of My Mind

Some day, her prince will come. Let’s hope he’s a mind reader.

MP has started getting up at 5 a.m. This is a relatively new development, beginning without rhyme or reason, about two weeks ago. This, in and of itself, is an incredible drag. Add to it the fact that Mommypie’s not getting to bed until 3 a.m. most mornings (late, late, long distance phone calls with The Boy) and you have one crabby mama. Not to mention an exhausted, overly-emotional nearly-5-year-old.

Case in point — this morning, after fighting the good fight as best I could on two hours sleep, and losing pathetically, I gave up, raised a white flag, and let MP watch cartoons. I went back to bed. I overslept. I managed to pry my eyes open at 8:30, at which point I shot out of bed and emerged from my room in a panic, making a beeline for the shower.

Five minutes later, I’m lathering, I’m rinsing, and I hear a tiny, high pitched series of whimpers most definitely meant to get my attention. I peek from around the curtain and see MP sitting on the bathroom floor, in tears.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Brace yourself.

“You just walked right past me, and I didn’t even get a HUG.”

(Pouty, arms folded)

“I shouldn’t have to TELL you to give me a hug.”

(Higher pitch. Definitely louder.)

“You should just KNOW I need one!”


She’s such a chick.


Filed under Piecing it Together

Mommypie wants to give you a Valentine’s gift.

So there’s this writer. His name is Joshua Henkin. He wrote a book called Matrimony, and it’s receiving rave reviews.

Anyhoo, he contacted me a few months ago and asked if I’d like a copy of his book. I said sure. The title alone suggested content I know absolutely nothing about, and I figured what the hell — I’m always up for learning new things. We’ve gone back and forth via email two or three times since — admittedly, I was a bit of a slacker about cracking the book. I’ve been so wrapped up in The Boy and basking in the glow of giddy romance, it’s been hard to get much done these past weeks.

But I digress. Back to Josh. I must admit, I didn’t expect such accessibility and warmth from someone who’s written a New York Times Notable Book of the Year. Not to mention a National Booksense Pick. AND a Borders Original Voices Selection. Here I was, little ole Mommypie, talking (well, the modern equivalent) to a REAL LIVE WRITER. That’s like a Bulls fan meeting Michael Jordan.

Then, I read this and find out just how accessible he REALLY is. Apparently, he’ll come to your house if you’re really, really nice. Maybe if you throw a little sugar on top, he’d even recite one of your favorite passages. I’m partial to this line:

“He watched the cigarette smoke, and the dust that flew up at the clapping of mittens, and he felt buoyed by it all.”

Love it.

AND, Not only is he a REAL LIVE WRITER, he’s a REAL LIVE WRITER who’s book garners praise like this:

“In the tradition of John Cheever and Richard Yates … a novel about love, hope, delusion, and the intricate ways in which time’s passage raises us up even as it grinds us down. It’s a beautiful book. Here’s to its brilliant future.”

–Michael Cunningham, Pulitzer-Prize-winning author of The Hours

THIS actually kind of pisses me off because before I even READ the quote, I was going to compare him to Yates. I was going to be all pseudo-intellectual-ly and so proud of myself for being able to intelligently connect the two.

An then there’s this quote:

“[A] charming novel … Henkin keeps you reading with original characters, witty dialogue and a view that marriage, for all its flaws, is worth the trouble.”

–Tom Fields-Meyer, People

Which, for me said it all.

So, since the author can tell you what the book’s about infinitely better than I can, here’s a short clip. After you watch it, leave a comment below, let me know your thoughts, and you’ll be entered to win your very own copy of Matrimony.

I’m betting the REAL LIVE WRITER will even autograph it.


Filed under Uncategorized

And somewhere a cat wails.

I saw this the other day.


A middle-aged woman parked and got out. She was tanned. She was bleached. She was blown-out. She was plucked. She was blingity-bling-blinged. I couldn’t figure this one out.

I needed my BFF Chile. Back in my City Days, we’d spend countless hours in bars, swigging Bud Light from bottles and making up stories about strangers. The only rule was, you couldn’t choose your own stranger.

For her, I’d choose rockabilly hipsters, argumentative couples, and women sitting alone. Her stories pretty much always involved a cruise of some sort. And bongo drums.

For me, she’d choose sad old men, big boobed bimbos, and buttoned-up business men. My stories pretty much always involved a stripper pole. And dirty mattresses. Apartments filled with cats. Run of the mill stuff.

If Chile were here, she say the Call Me Lady was an aggressive Mary Kay Consultant, trying to earn enough points to win a pink Caddy. And take her husband on a cruise to Mexico. Where, after three days of mind-numbing shuffleboard tournaments, she’d get drunk on pina coladas and have illicit sex with a smelly bongo player.

I’d disagree. Clearly the Call Me Lady is an escort. My first inclination would be to say this was the madam, but I’m pretty sure the madam would have INCLUDED HER PHONE NUMBER SOMEWHERE.

Or maybe she’s just really good at suggestive sign language. All I know is somehow there’s got to be a stripper pole.

And cats.


Filed under Piece of the Past

Hostess with the Mostess I am not.

So, a few weeks ago, I thought I’d try something completely new and organize a real-time, online swap meet on Swap Mamas. It was scheduled for this past Saturday. However, I’ve spent every spare minute each night on the phone with The Boy, and Saturday night was no different. While the two of us talked, I tried to log into the Swap Mama’s Chat Room. And couldn’t get in. Because my computer sucks donkey dookie lately. Some hostess, eh?

The Boy took over for me, entered the Chat Room from his end of the country and struck up a conversation with two of my favorite bloggers, Auds at Barking Mad, and Mrs. Waltz from Waltz in Exile.

While I wish I still had the chat on record, it seems large chunks of it magically disappeared hours later. And never having actually SEEN it myself, my only account is second-hand. I’d love to hear Auds and Waltz’s version (Hear that Doogs? Blog Fodder!). From what I could make out, while I was drowning my frustration in Bud Light, the threeway went something like this.

• Not knowing The Boy’s true identity, Auds and Waltz begin to size him up.

• Auds and Waltz become increasingly suspicious, and ask if The Boy has a blog.

• They ask if he even has kids.

• They wonder out loud if The Boy is trolling.

• The Boy tells them he’s on the phone with me and that I’m trying to get online.

• A&W warm up to The Boy, figuring he must not be TOO creepy.

• Ten minutes of conversation pass. A lightbulb goes off. “They’re figuring it out! They’re figuring it out!” The Boy says.

And suddenly, my online life and my real life collide. The Boy is laughing. I am laughing. I’m pretty sure Auds and Waltz are laughing.

We’re totally busted.

And the next day? The Boy and I did what any couple mad for one another in 2009 does. We changed our Facebook profiles from “Single” to “In a Relationship.”

Yup. It’s official.


Filed under Piecing it Together

Dolphin Book Giveaway Winner!

Congrats Laura — you’re the new owner of the AWESOME Uncover a Dolphin book!


I’m thinking your boys will totally dig it.

Thanks to everyone who played along, and helped me spread the word about Swap Mamas — we’re up to 117 members! (Are you one of the 117? No? Gitcher butt over there and JOIN, Mama! Chop chop!)


Filed under Contest Winners