Medical procedures, bodily functions and other topics for mixed company.

My life is shit.

Not the woe as me, I have it so tough, blah buh bladdi blah blah kind of shit. I mean literal SHIT. And while not as bad as say, a steaming pig farm upwind on a summer day, Pie Town is a bodily function free-for-all, none the less. At least, lately.

So, rather than wallow in the shit alone, I figured I’d share it with ma Doogs. I’m thoughtful like that.

Case in point. Yesterday morning I drove Bobo to get a colonoscopy. As we pulled away from the surgical center, MP asked why Bobo had to go to the doctor. I explained that he had to have something called a colonoscopy.

What’s a colon-scopy?

It’s when the doctor puts a tube up Bobo’s tush.

WHY??

So he can look around and make sure everything is working okay.

EEWWWW. In his POOPHOLE?!?

Yep.

I do NOT like poopholes. Dis.GUS.ting. YOU don’t have to have a doctor look up YOUR tush, do you?

Oh, NO.

No, cause you’re not old, right?

I love this child.

When I picked him up on my lunch hour, Bobo, still drugged and giddy, waved to the RN as he weaved out the door, smiled and said, “Thanks Sweetheart – you were a lot of fun!”

I dunna wanna know. Do NOT want to know.

Then there’s the new dog. Who won’t stop eating her poo. And peeing on the carpet. How long before housebreaking is complete? Cause right now it’s more like Breakinghouse.

**Right here is where the turd smoker squats and literally pees on the carpet right in front of me. Not even kidding.**

So with all this going on, I read Beej’s guest post over at Immoral Matriarch. The one where she admits to peeing in the shower ONCE.

Once?!? I’m willing to wager she’s in the minority. Help me out here, people — I know *I* do it every single morning. Sorry. I also brush my teeth in the shower. (I like to think of it as multi-tasking.) Never at the same time, however. Because that would be wrong. Like eating on the toilet. Wrong.

I remember when some article came out years ago that reported Madonna herself admitted to peeing in the shower. She claimed it warded off Athlete’s Foot. Which, at the time, I clearly recall thinking, “Come ON, Madge. Let’s at least be HONEST.” Or think of a better reason. Like ‘too tired to make it to the toilet,’ saving water,’ ‘my legs get cold,’ whatever.

And speaking of peeing, here’s some FANTASTIC news. MP has gone THREE WHOLE NIGHTS without having an accident! This is HUGE cause for celebration. We’ve never even come close to making it through the night! I swear, she’s finally able to hold her water because I took her out of the Pull-Ups and put highly absorbent, cotton Gerber Training Underpants on her at night. (Wow. Did that sound like a total plug or WHAT? Hello, Gerber? MP wears size 3T. If you’re so inclined. I will love you forever. Kthxbai.) I’m betting that subconsciously, she knows she doesn’t have a fallback. She knew it was okay to pee in the Pull-Ups. That’s what they’re MADE for, right?

So there you have it. My most disgusting post to date. I’m so proud.

Told you it was shit.

38 Comments

Filed under Disturbing Piece

38 responses to “Medical procedures, bodily functions and other topics for mixed company.

  1. I think my heart just exploded with sheer love of Mommy Pie. Wait. That would be presuming I actually HAVE a heart, and no one’s been able to prove that one way or another. So, since I can actually SEE my head, let’s go with my HEAD is about to explode with the Mommy Pie lovin’.

  2. Yeah, the dads and the colonoscopy. My dad told everyone (SEVERAL TIMES) that he felt like he had been partying with the Village People. Thanks for sharing Dad, really, no need to share anymore.

    Sorry your life is in the toilet, but it is fun to read about.

  3. Bwahahaha — Partying with the Village People! I love your dad and I don’t even know him.

  4. Okay, this is why I am shocked: You have admitted to being a total OCD freak. You HAVE A PICTURE OF PURELL as your twitter background, for chrissake!!!

    Yet, you pee in the shower regularly.

    I, on the other hand, am so far from OCD (at least, the cleaning kind – I’m obsessive and compulsive about plenty of other things) that you would find me disgusting. I NEVER use Purell unless I’ve touched something (or someone) really, really gross.

    Yet, peeing in the shower has always grossed me out.

    Are we in Bizarro MommyPie-Bejewell world? I’m confused and scared. I don’t like it here.

  5. I know. It’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

    Water is my friend though. My dream is to someday own a bidet.

  6. MommyTime

    YAY for MP!!

    As for the dog: get Nature’s Miracle and follow the directions. They can smell the residue we can’t, and having “marked” the carpet as a pee spot, he just keeps conveniently going in his convenient pee spot because it smell to him like his indoor pee spot. Get rid of that smell, and it will help discourage him. (It’s a smell you can’t smell, something about dog noses… I don’t know, I’m not a vet, just a dog owner. All I know is, Nature’s Miracle got our dog to stop doing that.)

    Good luck!

  7. I brush my teeth in the shower too. It saves me 5 more minute of sleep in the morning and I am all about sleeping.

  8. Dear MommyPie,

    I always knew you were all about the love.

    Now I know fer shur, because Sharing is Caring, and today’s post proves the level of your love is *deep* indeed. Sigh.

    However, methinks you still need to go a piece to top our dog eating our kitty’s poop.

    And then coming over to lick one’s face.

    With kitty litter all over those big, beaudacious, drooling bulldog jowls. Because the drool *is* proven to be highly effective as an adhesive when it comes into contact with the special clumping kitty litter.

    And now you know that we are all about the love too.

  9. This is the part where I unscrew my head, extract my brain and drown it in Purell to erase any sign of THAT visual.

    Eeecchhhh. You win, PP.

  10. I must go drink something scalding hot after reading that post.

  11. okay, this one had me LMAO. perhaps because i, too have been experiencing a shitload of SHIT lately. mainly due to the dog who has taken a liking to shitting in the house, and then eating his own shit. which makes me vomit shit. and then he eats the vomit shit which gives him diarrhea.

    oh, and i pee in the shower every morning. it’s my way of “going green”, which is so godddamned popular these days, because i don’t need to use toilet paper. and there you have it.

    i love you, mommypie.

  12. *which makes HIM vomit shit. (going back to work now…!)

  13. I’m up to my ears in cat pee. Unconveniently, no one told HER you could pee in the shower, so she pees on my clothes. I think it might be her way of telling me to clean up the clothes all over my floor.

  14. That’s a lot of poo, right there. It’s funny, I meant to comment on Bejewell’s post that I pee in the shower. Every. Single. Time. It’s automatic. Shower = Pee.

    The picture of your sweet dog with the smiling turd hanging out of her mouth? Comedy gold.

  15. Amy

    My dog has the horrible habit of eating his own shit. He will search for it in the back yard! We’ve tried everything to get him to stop but he doesn’t.

    As for peeing in the shower, I so do it all the time! I thought everyone did that :-)

    And congrats on not having to buy any more Pull-Ups! Hopefully!

  16. another co-worker

    My dog eats cat shit. And her shit. She would probably eat mine if she could.

    I remember when my dad had butt surgery. He got drunk and ran around screaming “now I’m the perfect asshole!” I will never be able to erase that or him subsequently jumping off the second story porch into the pool butt ass naked from my brain.

    Good times.

  17. Hellooooooo, PEE STEAM? It’s gotta go somewhere, and somewhere is UP. Where I am. Where I am NEVER gonna be if I can help it, and I usually can. *shudder*

  18. Way to ruin a good thing, Foolery Buzz Kill.

    *sob*

  19. I’m scream laughing at you right now! Maybe I should try to brush my teeth in the shower. This could cut down on my morning routine. I am in love with anyone who references Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo. Your humor gets me every time. Never change and I guess never stop peeing in the shower.

  20. laurakim123

    What an hysterical post!

    See this is why I dont own my own pets – I cant deal with poop and dogs eating poop and kids playing with poop and stuff!

    I am super impressed at your effective use of time in the shower in the mornings ;)

    And well done to MP – I LIVE for that day!

  21. THANK YOU FOOLERY! Finally, someone who gets me.

  22. I will trade you your shit eating dog for my mole/chipmunk eating dumbass goldendoodle. I am so effing sick of being woken up in the middle of the night to the sounds of a wretching dog, only to have to holler for the hubby to come and clean up yet another disembodied former member of the yard vermin gang.

    Oh and I’ll throw in Griffy the cat too. If he leaves me another damned headless chipmunk on the front walk I am going to go completely apeshit!

    No wait, those headless chipmunks will come in handy around Halloween! Nevermind, we’re keeping Griffy. But seriously, Casey is all yours for the taking. He’s completely housebroken, crate trained, sits, stays, plays dead and is cute as hell.

    Oh, where oh where did you find those Gerber training pants? I can NOT find them ANYWHERE and we REALLY need some!

  23. As if this post didn’t make me laugh hard enough, the comments are sending me over the edge.

    (And I “p” in the shower too – it’s a multitasking thing.)

  24. Congrats on the 3 days with no “accidents”! That’s very exciting:)

    Regarding peeing in the shower…it’s something I TRY not to do (because I’m afraid it would wig out my husband, though who know, he probably pees in the shower). But I DO brush my teeth on the toilet if that makes you feel better…definite multi-tasting:)

  25. OK, i guess I should really proofread my comments before I post. Brushing my teeth on the toilet is multi-tasking…not multi-tasting! Ew…

  26. I have a 2-year old. My life is potty training. I do not cringe from the poo world, but I’m beginning to wonder if I did something in my past life that sentenced me to a life of eternal underwear scrubbing.

  27. I want to hear Barry weigh in on this subject.

  28. That was hilarious and Mr. Happy Poo? Nice touch. I have always wondered why puppies eat their poo. Yuck. We actually gave a dog back that we were going to adopt because of that behavior.

    Great news about MP. I have not reached that stage yet but I just hope it goes smoothly. And I love that she said you don’t need a colonoscopy because you are not old.

  29. My doggy is 3 years old and he won’t stop eating his dukey either. The vet says theres this like MSG type powder that is harmless and available at pet stores that you sprinkle on the food so when it comes back out it gives it a repulsive odor! (not that fresh poo is roses). Anyhow.. I have yet to try it. Love the artwork!

    As for your post. It’s so gross it’s good.

  30. I gave you an award! You can check it at my site. You’re awesome.

  31. My sis got extra goodies before her colonoscopy because she was a little tense. (apparently they couldn’t put the apparatus where it belonged…) When she woke up she was acting like a drunken fool, pointing at the nurses and yelling “you want to put that WHERE??” and cracking herself up. She’ll never live it down ~ we ask her that same question at EVERY family function and crack ourselves up. “here, this goes on the table” “You want to put that WHERE?” bwaahaaahaaahaa

  32. andij1967

    Since you were so forthcoming with the deep dark bodily function secrets, here goes:

    Um, ok, I have ON OCCASION peed in the shower. Pretty much when I’m in a hurry, and when I’m alone. When someone else is in the house, I make sure they hear the toilet before the shower. I can’t brush my teeth in the shower, tho, because I have to have cold water to brush my teeth. It’s the OCD.

    And don’t tell anyone, but one time I did eat on the toilet. It’s a long story, but by the time I got home, I was ravenous and my bladder was about to burst. I made a judgment call and decided to eat first. I had a mouthful of food when I realized I was going to be peeing my pants in 10 seconds if I didn’t go. I went, and finished chewing as I was on the toilet. And then promptly lost my appetite and couldn’t finish my meal.

  33. T

    OMG! You are freakin’ hilarious!! How have I not been here before? Forget it. I’m visiting you from now on… if only to crack up at your wit!

    And yeah, I think Madonna may be right about the peeing in the shower thing. I mean, even Dr. Oz says that urine is sterile and the best thing to put on a wound if you have nothing else. Still, peeing on a wound makes me almost vomit in my mouth. Maybe its just me.

    Thanks for the smile today!

  34. Are you kidding me? You know I don’t pee in the shower. I’m wearing flip flops if you ever invite me over for a sleepover.

  35. writebrite

    I too pee in the shower. Totally the time saving thing and the water saving thing and the energy saving thing. I must admit that I try to hurry though so as not to get caught…not sure why, just seems like it’s something everyone does but doesn’t want to get caught at. Thank you for giving me a place to admit that…I feel much better now having unearthed my deep, dark secret to all. :) Sorry about all the poop in your life. Been there, done that, still going through it. At least you are out of the woods on having multiple owners of the poops that inevidbly gets on your hands when your life is filled with poop in such a way. *eewwww!!*

    Oh and Foolery…seriously, your pee steams?? What the hell are you drinking to create that one??

  36. Lauren

    I can honestly say I’ve never peed in the shower. Even when I have the urge to pee while showering, I’ll just wait until I’m finished and then pee in the toilet.

    I’m pretty sure I HAVE eaten on the toilet, though. And I definitely bring drinks into the bathroom with me on occasion (but this typically only happened at parties because I didn’t want to put my beer down and risk not being able to find it later).

  37. And this is why we love you!

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