Tag Archives: dogs

Medical procedures, bodily functions and other topics for mixed company.

My life is shit.

Not the woe as me, I have it so tough, blah buh bladdi blah blah kind of shit. I mean literal SHIT. And while not as bad as say, a steaming pig farm upwind on a summer day, Pie Town is a bodily function free-for-all, none the less. At least, lately.

So, rather than wallow in the shit alone, I figured I’d share it with ma Doogs. I’m thoughtful like that.

Case in point. Yesterday morning I drove Bobo to get a colonoscopy. As we pulled away from the surgical center, MP asked why Bobo had to go to the doctor. I explained that he had to have something called a colonoscopy.

What’s a colon-scopy?

It’s when the doctor puts a tube up Bobo’s tush.

WHY??

So he can look around and make sure everything is working okay.

EEWWWW. In his POOPHOLE?!?

Yep.

I do NOT like poopholes. Dis.GUS.ting. YOU don’t have to have a doctor look up YOUR tush, do you?

Oh, NO.

No, cause you’re not old, right?

I love this child.

When I picked him up on my lunch hour, Bobo, still drugged and giddy, waved to the RN as he weaved out the door, smiled and said, “Thanks Sweetheart – you were a lot of fun!”

I dunna wanna know. Do NOT want to know.

Then there’s the new dog. Who won’t stop eating her poo. And peeing on the carpet. How long before housebreaking is complete? Cause right now it’s more like Breakinghouse.

**Right here is where the turd smoker squats and literally pees on the carpet right in front of me. Not even kidding.**

So with all this going on, I read Beej’s guest post over at Immoral Matriarch. The one where she admits to peeing in the shower ONCE.

Once?!? I’m willing to wager she’s in the minority. Help me out here, people — I know *I* do it every single morning. Sorry. I also brush my teeth in the shower. (I like to think of it as multi-tasking.) Never at the same time, however. Because that would be wrong. Like eating on the toilet. Wrong.

I remember when some article came out years ago that reported Madonna herself admitted to peeing in the shower. She claimed it warded off Athlete’s Foot. Which, at the time, I clearly recall thinking, “Come ON, Madge. Let’s at least be HONEST.” Or think of a better reason. Like ‘too tired to make it to the toilet,’ saving water,’ ‘my legs get cold,’ whatever.

And speaking of peeing, here’s some FANTASTIC news. MP has gone THREE WHOLE NIGHTS without having an accident! This is HUGE cause for celebration. We’ve never even come close to making it through the night! I swear, she’s finally able to hold her water because I took her out of the Pull-Ups and put highly absorbent, cotton Gerber Training Underpants on her at night. (Wow. Did that sound like a total plug or WHAT? Hello, Gerber? MP wears size 3T. If you’re so inclined. I will love you forever. Kthxbai.) I’m betting that subconsciously, she knows she doesn’t have a fallback. She knew it was okay to pee in the Pull-Ups. That’s what they’re MADE for, right?

So there you have it. My most disgusting post to date. I’m so proud.

Told you it was shit.

38 Comments

Filed under Disturbing Piece

The cut that’ll sweep the doggie fashion world.

So, the dog.

I have to admit, she’s making it hard not to fall in love with her.

I’ll ALSO admit, however, I’m definitely struggling with some OCD madness. I can’t stop fixating on the food that gets stuck in the long fur around her mouth. Or the white fur that’s gradually becoming stained below her chin. When she poos, all I think about is that long fur. Don’t even try to convince me the poo don’t stick. There’s got to be some transference goin’ on. And that her fur is turning more and more yellow each time she pees? Seriously. I got issues.

I think I’ll take her to the groomer. And ask for the Orifice Cut. High and tight around the mouth, peehole and butthole. That way there’s no opportunity for fur to harbor any kind of … crap. Which is then tracked into the house. All over the carpet. And up on MP’s bed.

You have to understand. I don’t even allow shoes to be worn in the house. It’s just way too gross for me. And now all I can think of are the millions of minute turd particles that are tracked in every time the dog does her bidness.

You don’t have to tell me I’m a freak. I’m WELL aware of my ridiculousness. I’m just hoping eventually I’ll get over it. I’m really trying. Because Rosie IS sweet. And MP loves her with the passion of an only child.

And there are some killer dog toys out there.

Seriously. I’m trying.

25 Comments

Filed under Piece of My Mind

Nog Duts. The post in which I lose a few readers.

I’m feeling a bit of the parent-of-an-only-child guilt. MP’s lonely. And the number of times she’s expressed wanting a companion is heartbreaking.

So, I’m thinking about getting her a dog. Been thinking about it for awhile, actually.

It’s not that easy, though. Because of her asthma and allergies, our selection is pretty limited. My personal criteria narrows the choices even more. Put it all together, it spells:

No barkers.

No biters.

No yippers.

No lickers.

No shedders.

No jumpers.

And no males. Because if I had to narrow my requirements down to two things …

NO BALLS.

I do not want them in the house.
I do not want them on the couch.

I will not have them on my bed.
I will not have them near my head.

I will not eat them in a box.
I will not eat them with a fox.
Wait. That’s not right.

I do not want to look at dog nuts.
(Nor do I want to look at dog BUTTS.
Which is why I’d NEVER have a Pug.
Ugg.)

In a nutsack nutshell, I don’t want those things swingin’ around the Pie House. And if I’m being honest, which clearly I AM, it’s really the whole junkage that’s an issue. The whole <insert one jazz hand> area. It’s straight up p*rnographic. (See how I did that? Try to find me NOW, Google Pervs.)

Especially on the larger breeds. Great Dane? Super!! While we’re at it, let’s get a baboon with a big ‘ole ‘roid butt and call it a day. I always did want a monkey.

At least they wear diapers.

*sigh*

It’s hopeless.

More and more, I’m seriously thinking …

Rabbit.

31 Comments

Filed under Bits and Pieces