THIS is why I carry a spare set of surgical gloves.

So here’s me, totally content, driving through the grocery store parking lot singing “In the Jungle.” As I’ve been known to do. In the company of friends and family on a semi-regular basis.

And here’s Napoleon Dynamite wearing a neon green reflective vest, hunched over a row of shopping carts, laboring just a bit to get them across the lot.

Have I mentioned my tendency to see things in pictures? Or as movies? This right here — this juxtaposition of awesome lyrics, “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight” and the dynamite scene playing out right before my very eyes? Bottled sunshine.

And here I am, cracking myself up and I do whatever the opposite of snort is, which results in me unexpectedly blowing my nose. I open the glovebox looking for some Kleenex or a Wendy’s napkin or gas receipt or SOMETHING and instead find THIS.


BASTARDS. The mice, they’re nesting in my nooks and crannies. They mock me.

And I know it’s probably total karma for laughing at Napoleon, even though it wasn’t technically directed AT him, but more so the scene as a whole. If I didn’t carry a spare pair of surgical gloves for just such an occasion, I REALLY would’ve been upset.

Clearly, these mice have superpowers. Clearly, I’m going to have to consider less conventional kill methods. I’m thinking I should ask The Bloggess to mail me one of those car snakes they got down in Texas. I could stick it in the glovebox, feed it Thanksgiving dinner and borrow Grammy’s car for a week while it digests. Hell, I’d WALK to work if it meant getting rid of the vermin. In the snow. Barefoot.

Okay, so maybe not, but I’m really, really, really desperate. Really.


Filed under No Piece

19 responses to “THIS is why I carry a spare set of surgical gloves.

  1. Car snake is in the mail. The post office guy looked at me all weird when I poked air holes in it and when I left he was trying to poke his finger inside so he could see what it was. So I’ve probably killed the guy at the post office.

  2. Nappy

    Sounds like you might need a professional to explore all your nooks and crannies…….an experienced amature could also do a pretty good job;)

  3. All I can say is damn those mice are persistent. I hope you find a solution to your rodent problem quickly. Why not call in the Verminators? I am sure they could handle the job.

  4. Oh, doog. I know this isn’t funny, but it is SO funny.

  5. I have a vermin post of my own coming up. Beware! Inspired by you and Bloggess…

    But yeah, that would squick me out big time.

  6. sorry, but i lol’d from beginning to end. even though you’re suffering. it’s what i do. 😉

  7. Crap on a cracker!

    Crap in a glove box!

    Those mice are crafty.

  8. I have not checked my glove box in a while, come to think of it.

  9. Oh man, even though I can see the humor in your post, critters in your car ain’t funny. I think Jenny SHOULD send that snake on over. And oh, could show you some nesting bastards pics … we had a RAT problem in the garage for about 3 months. Some of those little f*ckers even got into the house. Yech! So gross. Good luck mama. I would not want mice in my car. Not even a little bit. 😉

  10. The mice strike again! Gah!

    Darn that Bloggess. Even when she comments I laugh my proverbial ass off.

  11. Eeew, scary! See, I was just kicking myself this afternoon for not buying the box of surgical gloves I saw at Target because there were some empty drug baggies (yeah, those teeny tiny miniature ziplock baggies with skulls or marijuana leaves printed on them) at my neighborhood park that I wanted to pick up and throw away (nice, I know). These gloves would have come in very handy. Instead, I just had to kick them to the edge of the park with my shoe.

    But I think I might touch a used drug baggie with my bare hand before I would scoop up a mound of vermin nest. So sorry you are dealing with that!

  12. If moth balls don’t work then I don’t know what to suggest except putting everything you carry in your car into either those plastic containers that some people have, and ziplock bags. At least that way the mice can’t get into them. Although, if desperate they’d probably eat the plastic bags.

    They’re determined little f*wits, that’s for sure.

  13. Cat

    Can I ask about the gloves? Why do you have gloves? Are you, at any moment, expecting to encounter bodily fluids? I mean, thank goodness you had them, but why did you have them?

  14. Always carry surgical gloves around, better yet, in your purse…
    New to your blog and enjoying reading all of the posts….

  15. Well, it is obviously a plot. Clearly.

  16. I’m not sure what the Bloggess sent you, but if it wasn’t a Black Mamba I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t bother. The Black Mamba took Michael Madsen down in Kill Bill so it’s now the only snake I will use for my pest removal needs. Because it takes a LOT to kill Michael Madsen.

  17. hahaha. Loving the Napoleon image! I’m trying to break my very bad habit of mental running commentary on clueless clothing, hairstyle, etc. in public places.

    Now, how do you drive with your feet up to keep the vermin from running up your legs?

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