Tag Archives: pets

Pay no attention to the drunk preschooler.

Co-worker: Did you get my birthday party invitation?

Me: Yeah, I just opened the email.

CW: Just a head’s up — if you want, you can bring MP, but we have animals. Lotsa fur flyin’. So, if she’s allergic …

Me: Oh, she should be fine. Fur’s not the big problem. It’s mostly the lickers.

(blank stare)

Me: She gets hives.

(pause)

CW: Um … how do you … know she’s allergic to alcohol?

Me: Wha?

(pause)

CW: Oooooh, I get it. LICKERS.

Me: Yeah … dogs that lick …

(pause)

(pause)

Me: DUDE. Not LIQUOR. LICKER. CK.

CW: Cool. Cleo’s not a licker. She’s a poo-eater.

Me: Excellent.

(pause)

Me: That’s SO going on the blog.

CW: Yeah.

28 Comments

Filed under Piecing it Together

The cut that’ll sweep the doggie fashion world.

So, the dog.

I have to admit, she’s making it hard not to fall in love with her.

I’ll ALSO admit, however, I’m definitely struggling with some OCD madness. I can’t stop fixating on the food that gets stuck in the long fur around her mouth. Or the white fur that’s gradually becoming stained below her chin. When she poos, all I think about is that long fur. Don’t even try to convince me the poo don’t stick. There’s got to be some transference goin’ on. And that her fur is turning more and more yellow each time she pees? Seriously. I got issues.

I think I’ll take her to the groomer. And ask for the Orifice Cut. High and tight around the mouth, peehole and butthole. That way there’s no opportunity for fur to harbor any kind of … crap. Which is then tracked into the house. All over the carpet. And up on MP’s bed.

You have to understand. I don’t even allow shoes to be worn in the house. It’s just way too gross for me. And now all I can think of are the millions of minute turd particles that are tracked in every time the dog does her bidness.

You don’t have to tell me I’m a freak. I’m WELL aware of my ridiculousness. I’m just hoping eventually I’ll get over it. I’m really trying. Because Rosie IS sweet. And MP loves her with the passion of an only child.

And there are some killer dog toys out there.

Seriously. I’m trying.

25 Comments

Filed under Piece of My Mind

Dog, Unexpected.

We now have a dog.

Which I nearly just forgot.

But then I got a tiny little whiff of puppy smell and remembered the black and white ball of fluff lying on the carpet just below my feet. As I write this, our new family member has been with us just over 24 hours and I’m EXHAUSTED.

Poppy surprised us with the tiny 12-week-old bundle of fur when we stopped by after work Thursday. A Shih-Tzu. Precisely the kind of dog I would NEVER choose. I don’t even know if that’s how you spell it.

She’s a Foo-Foo Grandma Lap Dog. Walking cotton candy. But she’s “hypoallergenic,” doesn’t shed, and MP’s in love with the wet-nosed new addition. And she IS incredibly sweet …

I’ll post some pics this weekend and let you know how it’s going. I’m barely functioning as I type this, and SO need to go to bed, but I feel like a new mother all over again — unsure when she needs to pee; stressin’ about the co-sleeping question, yadda yadda yadda. MP DID name her today, though. Rose. Rosie.

A dog. Wow.

13 Comments

Filed under A Little Piece of My Heart

Nog Duts. The post in which I lose a few readers.

I’m feeling a bit of the parent-of-an-only-child guilt. MP’s lonely. And the number of times she’s expressed wanting a companion is heartbreaking.

So, I’m thinking about getting her a dog. Been thinking about it for awhile, actually.

It’s not that easy, though. Because of her asthma and allergies, our selection is pretty limited. My personal criteria narrows the choices even more. Put it all together, it spells:

No barkers.

No biters.

No yippers.

No lickers.

No shedders.

No jumpers.

And no males. Because if I had to narrow my requirements down to two things …

NO BALLS.

I do not want them in the house.
I do not want them on the couch.

I will not have them on my bed.
I will not have them near my head.

I will not eat them in a box.
I will not eat them with a fox.
Wait. That’s not right.

I do not want to look at dog nuts.
(Nor do I want to look at dog BUTTS.
Which is why I’d NEVER have a Pug.
Ugg.)

In a nutsack nutshell, I don’t want those things swingin’ around the Pie House. And if I’m being honest, which clearly I AM, it’s really the whole junkage that’s an issue. The whole <insert one jazz hand> area. It’s straight up p*rnographic. (See how I did that? Try to find me NOW, Google Pervs.)

Especially on the larger breeds. Great Dane? Super!! While we’re at it, let’s get a baboon with a big ‘ole ‘roid butt and call it a day. I always did want a monkey.

At least they wear diapers.

*sigh*

It’s hopeless.

More and more, I’m seriously thinking …

Rabbit.

31 Comments

Filed under Bits and Pieces

Psychic Morning at The Pie House

MP was standing by my bedside. She was up early making wallets.

Well, not REAL wallets. Little folded pieces of paper. There she was, going on and on, excitedly telling me all about them, how many she’d made, asking me to help her with the scotch tape, and telling me I could color them with her when I woke up.

And there I was, murmuring into my pillow, “yeah,” “uh-huh,” “great,” “okay,” while simultaneously fading in and out of a dream state. Purely random hazy thoughts about coloring, drawing people, and how to draw different shades of skin tone floated around my head.

I wasn’t speaking.

“You can draw skin if you want, Mommy.”

My eyes flew open. There, at eye level, stood MP, smiling sweetly.

And READING MY MIND.

Which I swear, she does all the time.

But I suppose there’s really nothing odd about it at all. I know couples who do it on a regular basis, literally taking the words right out of the other’s mouth. It happened between MP’s dad and me ALL the time. When you’re that close to another person, it makes sense that the lines can blur. You become me and I become you.

The phenomenon that really fascinates me is the way couples who’ve been together for ages begin to look alike. Personally, I wouldn’t be too keen on the whole masculine morphing thing, but I have to admit, it is sweet.

People even take on the characteristics of their PETS, for Pete’s sake.

Oh Lord, I just flashed on my future.

Now, dressing alike …

… yeah, that’s a different story.

4 Comments

Filed under Piece of My Mind