So, you know I have OCD, right? Bona fide, from birth, medically diagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The real deal, complete with a prescription to prove it, lest ye doubt. (Goooo drugs!)
I have ups and downs. And components of my OCD vary. Everyone who has it — TRULY has it — has different … things. For example, when mine is especially bad, I mentally count everything in sight. There’s a lot of adding. Then reducing to a single digit. There are good numbers and bad numbers. The maddening irony? I HATE math. But this is just ONE of my things. Just one on a very long list.
Blah blah blah. Another mommy blogger on drugs. BFD.
ANYHOO, last night I’m thinking, what if there were a component of OCD that compelled you to act out everything you read? How bad would THAT suck? Twitter would be from the Devil, and I would be at the mercy of every tweet.
Advertisers would LOVE me. One mention of their product and I’d buy it. I’d be a sure thing. And who doesn’t love a sure thing? Helluu toilet paper makers?? Helluu morticians?? Helluu strip clubs?? (SPAM and hot dog eaters, you’re excused.)
Yesterday, my Twitter OCD day would’ve looked like this:
10:22 p.m. @mothergoosemous MIL: “Every house has to have a piano. Every house has to have a bed too, but a piano is better.”
Dropped everything and went piano shopping.
10:23 @mooshinindy @VelveteenMind doughnuts.
Overwhelming urge to eat. Went to Dunkin’ Donuts.
10:36 @Mashable Break.
Just because. Dude. Have you SEEN his avitar??
10:38 @MaggieDammit Underwire in my bra just snapped. Thankfully, no one was hurt. (Twitter was made for moments JUST. LIKE. THIS.)
Whoa! Easy Tiger.
11:30 @andij1967 Out running errands in beautiful Utah weather. Next stop: Costco. That place gives me a shopping boner.
Went shopping. Which aroused me. A-GAIN.
11:45 @Mashable Break.
12:48 @snackiepoo Haha @evehorizon! I will find a person hungry for an orgy. Must research!
12:53 @Mashable Break.
12:54 @teenagehelp I just pigged out on Spaghettios, something about a can of Spaghettios just make me happy!
*Sigh* Orgies aren’t what they used to be. Rush, rush, rush. Ravenous. Raid grocery store canned goods aisle.
12:59 @JenMaselli @alladither Go shopping!
Stimulate the economy.
1:50 @Hip_M0M “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak, like me?” Don’t ask me where I got that from but it’s now stuck in my head.
Wave my freak flag. Bust a move in the car on the drive back to work. Driver in adjacent lane calls 911 to report epileptic seizure in progress.
2:10 @BackpackingDad Three pullups!!! Not, like, in a row.
Must. Exercise. Now. Hang from office doorway. Co-workers finally convinced I’ve lost it.
2:14 @AmyInOhio Damn you bossman!
Tell my boss how I really feel. Something about growing balls …? Am promptly fired.
2:17 @sweetney Am totally breaking up with the internet.
Depressed, I compose a Dear John letter.
2:21 @PetCobra Dan Cortese. There’s a name that evokes snide laughter.
And then cackle madly. Outside my office, co-workers don bullet-proof vests.
2:27 @mrsflinger IIS make me stick a fork in my eyeball and swirl it all around. Server FAIL.
3:37 @Mashable Break.
Ogle with remaining eye.
3:40 @rocksinmydryer It is impossible to listen to the song Zip-a-dee-doo-dah and not do a corny dance.
Exit work. Eye missing. Delirious with pain, I sing. And dance. Co-workers cower beneath their desks.
3:48 Log off and drive myself to the ER. Wheeled in by devastatingly cute orderly. Give a little wink. He vomits.
8:57 Return home with shiny new eyepatch. Am thinking I could totally make this work. Once my mail-order parrot arrives from South America.
8:58 Log back on.
9:16 @mamaspohr mamaspohr They need “CHEER,” “BOO,” “LAUGH,” and “CHANT,” signs, because this audience seems confused.
Break out the poster paint.
10:38 Log off, crawl into bed, exhausted.
10:40 @Mashable Break.
Okay, not THAT tired …