Tag Archives: friends

Incontinence is an inconvenience.

My old friend Cracker called from Boise tonight. She relayed the story of her recent dealings with the customer service department of a company that will remain unnamed. Clearly she was frustrated. What follows are the ACTUAL emails between Cracker and a department rep.

This refund takes 30 days and I have process. I am sorry for any incontinence this may have cause you.

Thanks, G



Thank you for your 30 day refund notice for my file. As a matter of fact, this whole situation HAS made me incontinent. I’ve noticed that over the course of this ordeal, I’ve lost bladder control and often found my office chair wet after dealing with you on the phone on a daily basis having to repeat myself time and time again despite your “phone conversation records.”

If our account is not refunded in 30 per your policy (even though YOU made an unauthorized withdrawal) I will more than likely have permanent bladder damage, thus you will also be paying for…. (more)


P.S. If you didn’t catch my above drift, “incontinence” means you have bladder problems. You might want to strike that word from future e-mails to your customers.

No problem.

Outsourcing. It’s good comedy.


Filed under Piece of Insanity

Out with the old, in with the new.

Tonight, if we’re lucky, a few friends (Gigi’s Daddy, QB, my friend Megan) and I will have succeeded in rounding up a large, raucous group of people to ring in the new year.


We sent out e-invitations yesterday. I’m nothing if not optimistic.

We’re hoping for a the Faberge Effect. Everyone WE know tells everyone THEY know, who tell everyone THEY know, and so on, and so on, and so on.

I’m feathering my hair just for the occasion. Maybe I’ll meet my Tommy Lee. Or Richie Sambora. Or David Spade. (Okay, yeah. This makes no sense to you right now because you DIDN’T watch the video.)

MP’s excited to spend the night with Grammy and Poppy, which is fantastic, because Mommypie’s excited to spend the night with grown-ups. Acting like children. (Are you there, Alanis? It’s me, Mommypie.)

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, have a fantastic night, ma Doogs — can’t wait to hear all about it!


Filed under Party Piece

Da Goils, they’re going to Hawaii.

These are Da Goils. (Letter B, that’s me.) We’ve known each other forever.

We’re a diverse crew.

One of us lit a fart in high school. (Yes, you heard right. We’re a cultured bunch.) You wouldn’t BELIEVE the size of the blue flame that shot out of her arse, burning a hole right through her hot pink long johns.

One of us currently lives in Chile, teaching English to business people. She and I are the only ones who have never been married, although I think she’s close.

 One of us peed on her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend while they were making out at a party. She was drunk and looking for the bathroom. They were lying on a beanbag chair in a dark room. Honest mistake.

One of us was valedectorian. And a closet pot smoker. And voted Most Likely to Succeed. And is now filthy stinkin’ rich.

One of us was editorial editor of the high school paper, which included her monthly column about high school life.

One of us drove a HUGE brown station wagon from the ’70s, affectionately referred to as the Coppertone Tank. It came complete with rear-looking seats in the ‘way back’ dedicated to her younger siblings.

Sometimes I do that — look at a photo and wonder, if our past selves were somehow given a picture of our future selves, would we be able to guess our paths?

Would we be able to guess who never got married? Who had three kids? Who had two or one? Or none? Who divorced and remarried? Who was the first to lose a parent? Who was the second?

Some of our lives have been predictable. Some, anything but. I take comfort in this. Because no matter the outcome, there’s nothing like old friends. At least not for me. I’m fairly certain that kind of bond is impossible to recreate after a certain age. I wouldn’t trade the memories for anything.

The photo above was taken at our 20-year class reunion in ’06 — a fateful occasion it turns out, because it was then we decided that come 2008, when we all turned 40, we were doing a girl’s trip. No husbands, no boyfriends, no kids. No excuses.

Just us.

I can’t believe we’re actually going to pull it off.

Yessiroonie, this August we’ll all be basking in the toasty Hawaiian sun. (Uh, BURNING is probably more accurate for Mommypie.)

Getting everyone to agree on a destination took some time. We decided on Hawaii after each of us summarized our criteria in a sentence or two.

For instance, one wanted to be pampered, and to NOT have to cook. Another didn’t want to be locked into a schedule. And one didn’t want to travel out of the country.

My desire was simply to lie on the beach and have beautiful shirtless boys serve me drinks. And because I’ve become attached to the notion it’s just not vacation without a floating bar, that was added to the list as well.

Which I suppose means it’s time to bite the bullet and buy a new swimsuit.



Filed under Piece of Paradise