Mommypie and the Technicolor Dream Moat

Tuesday after work, I went to my regular volunteer gig at one of the local after school programs. It was cold and snowy and rather than freeze my butkus off

I opted to help out INSIDE the gym. First, I was asked to help a fifth-grade girl with her math homework.

Here’s where it’s important to note that math, in any way, shape or form, gives me hives. My brain just doesn’t work that way. Never has. Complete iron curtain.

“You know all about angles, right?” asked the teacher’s aide.

“Sure!” I answered. I also enjoy protractors, square roots, trailer park tornadoes and mind-numbing gas pain.

I moved on to my next student.

Who needed help with long division.

Er … okay, admittedly, it’s been awhile since I had to divide anything without the aid of a calculator, but meh — I thought it’d be cake. I had an inkling there might be a teensy problem when the answer came out to be something like 154823.2. I suggested we check our work and showed her how using multiplication. She did this:

GOT ABACUS?!? Clearly, I haven’t been in the math loop for awhile. Or EVER. What the hell is THIS? Come to find out she was a transfer from New York. And that made me feel better.

It was then my wayward inner teacher found her compass. A little boy sitting all alone with 25 tubs of Playdoh.

Oh yeah.

He wanted to make a castle. At his suggestion, I began with the cannon.

Which totally looked like a bubblegum cigar some expectant father should be passing out in a hospital waiting room. Or, according to my playmate, a big purple poop. Take your pick.

From there, our little project took on a life of its own. Kids quickly started coming to our table. Everyone wanted to build a part of the castle. I taught them what a moat was. They added alligators. The boys made bombs to protect the castle. The girls made food for the princess to eat inside the castle. The teacher aides looked at us with horror as they realized we MIXED the colors.

It was a thing of beauty.

AP Photo of Dick Butkus

Homegirl’s Got Skills

MP drew this portrait of Poppy the other night.

Then she told me she wanted to take ‘artist’ classes.

I dig it.

Just because JESUS sasses his mother doesn’t mean YOU can.

Started putting away the Christmas decorations yesterday. MP was in charge of the nativity scene.

With great ceremony, each wooden figurine was carefully placed in its box. I watched the parting scene as she grasped Baby Jesus in one small hand, and Mary in the other.

Right Hand: Don’t you give me that attitude, Jesus!

Left Hand: Don’t YOU give ME that attitude, Mary!

Right Hand: Go to your room, Jesus!

And then the Three Wise Men swooped in, picked up Mary and hauled her off to the dungeon.

Behold the power of the Lord.

Sometimes I’m not sure who the four-year-old is.

MP: You’re weird, Mom.

ME: You’re weirder.

MP: You’re THIS weird. (stretching arms out)

ME: You’re THIS weird. (stretching arms out further)

MP: HOW weird?

ME: You’re weird all the way to the moon.

MP: You’re weird all the way to the North Pole.

ME: You’re weird all the way to another planet.

MP: You’re weird all the way to an ALIEN VACUUM. (jazz hands)

(pause)

(hysterical laughter)

Two hours later …

MP: Mommy I love you.

ME: I love you too, Sweetheart.

MP: How much do you love me?

ME: I love you all the way to the moon and back.

MP: I love YOU all the way to the planets.

ME: I love YOU all the way to the ALIEN VACUUM!!

(pause)

MP: Weirdypants.

Snowed in on Christmas Eve and the anticipation is painful.

MP: (Back of hand to forehead, high drama whine) It feels like I’m getting KILLED inside of me.

ME: Why?

MP: Because I can’t open any presents. (falls forward onto couch) I can’t WAAAIT!

I told her the wait would be worth it. And it was. Santa’s Fur Real Kitty turned out to be a HYUGE hit. Although if it stops meowing or moving for more than five minutes, MP is sent into full-on panic. Eyes welling, lip quivering, she’ll ask, “Is she dead?” It’s enough to break my heart.

The Hannah Montana Styling Head was another Santa coup. And the ginormous dollhouse Grammy and I stayed up assembling until 3 a.m.? The look on MP’s face as she walked out to the living room four hours later was well worth any lost sleep on my part.

Speaking of notable moments … MP’s expression of sheer joy just barely topped Grammy’s reaction when she opened her As Seen On TV gift from Yours Truly — SHAMWOW! Oh, you have no idea how hard it was to bite my tongue after reading your comments in the last post …

As for me, I loved the packaging of this gift from Grammy almost as much as the cherished heirloom leaf bowls that were inside.

Hey, Grammy has a sense of humor! Who knew?

P.S. Without getting too pimptastic, I gotta give a BIG shout out to the Ear Check peeps. They sent me their AWESOME product to review and I seriously can’t wait to test it out. Which is kinda wrong, seeing as it would mean someone in the Pie House would have to be, um … SICK. Seriously, though, this is a fantastic gift for not only a medically obsessed person like me, but ANY parent. Now, when I suspect MP may have an ear infection, I actually have an instrument at my disposal that will allow me to measure her inner ear’s fluid level and and the likelihood of it being an infection. Do me a favor — show the Ear Check people some love, visit their site and check out their great product. I promise to post a follow up as soon as we get sick again – ha!

Ghost of Christmas Past

There’s this new carpet-shampoo-broom-thing commercial that comes on TV all the time. And every time we see it, MP goes crazy, telling me I MUST have it, and how much I really do want it.

She tells me I would like it for Christmas. Because I like to clean the carpet. (Truth be told, a clean carpet DOES make me insanely happy, but that doesn’t mean I actually ENJOY cleaning it.) I say oooh yes, I really WOULD like it. And at this moment, memories of Christmas past and all the cleaning equipment and kitchen accessories purchased for MY mom come rushing back.

I remember really believing she’d LOVE the can openers! And the hot mitts! And the dish towels!

Truth is, she probably did. Just like I love MP for wanting so badly to give me something she thinks I want. Never mind how many times I tell her what I really want is something homemade. She has her heart set on something store bought. As Seen On TV.

And I remember feeling that way too.

I never claimed to be Martha Stewart.

Last night, Grammy, MP and I made Christmas cookies — the sugar crash came fast and hard, and after a minor meltdown, MP was out cold. Christmas can’t come soon enough for that kid — every morning she wakes, crosses off another day on the calendar, and literally jumps for joy that we’re another day closer to SANTA!! I love, love LOVE experiencing the holidays through her eyes.

Which reminds me … if you haven’t seen the NORAD Tracks Santa site, go check it out. NORAD counts down until Santa takes off around the world and then “tracks” him. We’ve tracked Santa the last two years — not only does it help kids with the concept of other countries/states/time zones, etc., all you Internet addicted mamas will totally dig it. AND, while the kids are waiting for Christmas Eve to roll around, the site has some super cute (and somewhat educational) online Christmas games — MP gives ’em two giant thumbs up.

So, until the big night Wednesday, we’ll be saving a few select cookies for the Man.

Question is, WHICH ONES?!?

Grammy’s accidental Patrick (Spongebob’s sidekick) IS impressive, but I’m thinkin’ my entirely deliberate Snow Monster blows him outta the water. Especially after MP added the blue M&M bellybutton.

The impermanence of it all.

Last night, at my monthly business networking cocktaily thing, I learned from a good friend that, after 15 years, he and his wife were divorcing. I’m still reeling from the shock, and am surprised at the magnitude of sadness weighing me down today.

I consider this couple good friends. Their daughter Gigi is MP’s BFF. (Remember THIS?!?) A few months ago, they had their third child. This was one of the few families that gave me HOPE. But things aren’t always as they seem, and now selfishly, I mourn the death of their marriage.

Certainly, I don’t have the most conventional views about marriage. I’ve been called a coward. I’ve been called refreshingly independent. Strong. Damaged. And even an inspiration. I think maybe I’m a combination of a lot of things.

Whatever I may be, at my core, I’m still someone who wants to believe in the fairy tale. I’m sad for my friends. I’m sad for their family. And I’m sad to see yet another passing of a relationship.

*heavy sigh*

God speaks.

I’m sitting in the livingroom, just outside the bathroom, where MP has been for awhile. She calls to me in her best deep voice.

MP: Hello? Mommypie? This is God speaking.

ME: Hi God.

MP: Your little daughter … has … peed … like … a … boy.

(Mommypie gets up and runs to the bathroom.)

ME: What?!? (scanning the area around the toilet) You didn’t. DID YOU?!?

MP: (smiling) I was just joking.

(Mommypie exhales and exits the bathroom.)

MP: That wasn’t God talking either.

Giveaway: Baby needs a new pair of FUZZY CROCS!

A few weeks ago a supa cool rep (SCR) from Crocs, Inc. sent me an email saying they would love to send me a pair of the cutest fuzzy kid’s Crocs EVER [my words]. FREE. Just to check out. How, exactly this happened, is still a mystery.

Once I stopped with the SQUEEEEing, I wrote SCR back and said, CHAH! Of COURSE I’d love to check out a pair.

BUT … because I think the whole Swag Brag thing [most times] comes off cheesy and just plain neener neener, I asked if they’d consider providing an extra pair for a giveaway. SCR said yes. Oh yeah. Now I’m really lovin’ this chick.

So, Wednesday? Guess what came in a little brown box?

A trip to the ER, a call to Animal Control and 47 stitches later, I went back to work. And found ANOTHER little brown box waiting for me.

It contained these.

Helluuu?? Can these BE any cuter?!? Come Christmas Eve, these little doggies are getting wrapped and slapped under the tree. MP’s going to absolutely LOVE them.

The story doesn’t end here. Ooooh no. (Don’t worry, I’m getting to the giveaway part. Patience, Grasshoppa.) So I take home MP’s new Mammoth Crocs (that’s their official name, but I still think of them as Fuzzy Crocs) and decide I MUST see them on her. So, while she sleeps, I slip them on over her footie PJs.

And they’re too small.

My heart sank.

I thought maybe it was just the PJs that were making them so tight. I grabbed a pair of her shoes and measured. Still. Too. Small. I wanted to cry.

I sent SCR an email, saying I felt like a ginormous schmuck, but would it be possible to send this pair back in exchange for a larger size? And to my amazement, she said of COURSE they would send me a new pair, and hey, don’t worry about sending the first pair back — just give them to someone as a Christmas present.

Plus, they’re still giving ANOTHER pair to one of YOU!

And now SCR has successfully made me fall completely and totally in love with her. And the company. I’m a customer for life.

(This MarketingProfs post I read a few days ago perfectly illustrates this little experience. Crocs, Inc. nailed it.)

SO, want a chance to win a pair of the new Mammoth Crocs? (Just so you know? I’m not doing this for more traffic. I’m doing it because you guys rock, and I’m totally diggin’ playing Santa!) There are a couple ways to enter:

1. Copy, paste and tweet this:

@mommypie is giving away super cute pair of FUZZY CROCS! Go enter! http://tinyurl.com/6y9o4b

Then, come back here and IN A COMMENT BELOW let me know you did it.

OR

2. If you don’t use Twitter, go to the Crocs site, come back and tell me IN A COMMENT BELOW what color you like best.

Contest closes Wednesday, Dec. 10 at 8 p.m. MST. Winner will be chosen by Random Integer Generator.

Don’t forget to check back — I have a few more giveaways up my sleeve this month!