Category Archives: Piecekeeping

Toilet seats are germy. Trolls using my name are worse.

My internet connection at home is STILL FREAKIN’ DOWN, which means I’m posting fast and furiously from work again. I had no idea I was so damn dependent on it until it stopped working Friday. Frustrated doesn’t BEGIN to describe.

Because I have so much rattling around in my head this week. Like gold-dipped animal penis earrings. And teenage memories. And the stray cat that lives under my porch. And ghost stories.

And my troll impersonator.

Seems the fabulous Toostie Farklepants has herself a nasty troll problem. Apparently so do I, because said troll is going by MommyPie. Which blows because I SO don’t want to be confused with someone who obviously has too much time on their hands (I DON’T), doesn’t play well with others (I DO), and so clearly needs to get laid. (Er …)

*crickets*

Or, as Sweet Tootsie more eloquently put it, “Someone needs a hug.” *snort*

Because seriously, I HATE conflict. I avoid it like gas station toilet seats on a road trip. I prefer peeing on the side of the road, under a bridge, thank you very much. Which, wait … is where the trolls hang out, right? Dammit. Apparently the chances of contracting a communicable disease are less at Conoco than at underpass pit stops.

SO much drama in Bloggywood lately. Oiy.

Which brings me to one last important matter before I get fired.

BlogHer. Not going. You? If my internet connection ever decides to come back, I’ll be throwing a little get-together for all us Bloghernots.

BLOGHERNOT 2008.

Wanna come? Let me know and I’ll put you on the list. Seriously, it’s gonna be a blast.

*she says in high-pitched squeal*

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I love you, now leave me alone.

First, she asked for some tape.

Next, she asked how to spell ‘no.’

And then we hit another milestone.

The first KEEP OUT sign.

Not only did MP post one on HER door …

She posted one next door at the entrance to Grammy and Poppy’s room too.

Grammy and Poppy let her watch cartoons to her heart’s content in that room. And eat ice cream in their bed. So Mommy is not allowed in there either.

Because Mommy is a buzzkill.

*sniff*

My little girl, she’s growing up.

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How to get smacked upside the head.

Say this to any female over the age of 10.

Wow, you’re getting bigger!

We need to get you new underwear. Your tush is getting bigger!

(Clapping and smiling won’t help.)

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Who Needs a Library Card?

Friday is Gymnastics Day.

Gymnastics and Errand Day.

Gymnastics, Errand and (ugh) McDonald’s PlayLand with MaggiePie’s Best Friend Day.

And then, after all that, if a major meltdown hasn’t occurred, and she hasn’t fallen fast asleep in her carseat…

Movie Store Day for Mommy’s Friday night entertainment! (Jealous much?)

So, as is tradition, today after gymnastics, PlayLand, and a gallon of Purell, we made our way to the almighty Costco. Mecca.

We like to make an event of it. After MP proudly flashes our card to a greeter, we take care of the first order of business, wheeling DIRECTLY, do not pass go, to the kids books. Yay! The Costco Free Library!

MP knows the drill – she picks out two or three books with the understanding they will be carefully read and returned before we check out. Cheap, you say? Why, yeesss.

It isn’t that I wouldn’t actually buy MP a book. Books are pretty high up there on my list of most treasured material possessions. It’s that:

a. She already has more books than most adults.
b. I want her to understand that she doesn’t get something every time we go to the grocery store, or the book store, or the toy store. That most of the time, we just look. I’m happy to report, it’s worked (for the most part).
c. She’s trained well. MP knows to be careful with the page turning, and not handle with sticky hands. (After all, eventually, someone is actually going to pay for this.)
d. Most importantly (you all know where I’m going with this) … having her occupied — not dealing with the near tearful, “I wanna help!” “Can I push the cart?” “I’m huuunngry” — is something you can’t put a price on. (Good, huh?)

Once she’s outfitted with a few reads (NO sticker books – this is important), her only concern is finding all “the ladies.” You know … THE LADIES. Grandmotherly women in hairnets, offering up tasty afternoon snacks to all good boys and girls. And maybe, if she’s lucky, MP and I will end the excursion by sharing a $1.50 Costco Meal Deal for lunch.

Mama lives large.

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