My sordid past as a p*rn peddler.

So, a few months ago, the fantastic Deb at San Diego Momma got me (and a few other bloggas – Deb of course, Brian at PapaTV, Melissa at Green Girl in Wisconsin, and Jennifer at Thursday Drive — all really, really good) a freelance writing gig at T. Rowe Price.

Because I’m feeling L-A-Z-Y tonight, I thought I’d share it with you. Should you choose to click on this link, I promise shoe licking. I promise sweaty people in bathing suits. And P*RN, people. (Yes, P*RN, just for your benefit, Dirty Google Search Pervs.)

Oh yeah. And a HEINOUS school photo of Mommy Pie at age 8. Personal idol? Jan Brady. The picture speaks for itself.

Things I’ve learned about entrepreneurship.

I used to think there wasn’t enough time in the day BEFORE the launch of Swap Mamas.

Seriously. Smack me now.

In addition to the reality of no sleep (Which really isn’t THAT big of a deal. I haven’t slept in years. I’m a mom. And kind of a vampire.), there are a few things about being an entrepreneur I’ve learned these past few months. (And I say “entrepreneur” lightly, considering I have yet to turn a profit. Anyone wanna to buy an ad?)

• The roots will get thicker. And darker. I’m pretty sure my hair stylist thinks I’ve died. If you’re reading this Tawny, I’m still kickin’. Apparently something DID expire on top of my HEAD though. Yeesh.

• As much as it sucks, you still have to set the alarm. The consolation? Going to “the office” is SO MUCH NICER. Helluu jeans and t-shirt. Helluu baseball cap. (See above.) Helluu coffee shop and nice, friendly, buzzed people.

• I’m okay with generic cheese. And cheap toilet paper. And cutting back on the drive-thru tacos. Which … all kind of go together … Coincidence? I think not.

• Not having health insurance is a scary, scary thing. Period.

• The blog. She suffers. Which bites, because lately I have so much to write about — lesbian ponies, obscene celebrity mug shots … the melon, she’s seriously going to explode with randomness if I don’t start getting back to regular posting.

More than anything — and not to be cliche — I’ve learned life is a risk.

And that’s delicious.

(As much as it can be without drive-thru tacos.)

Even better than wax lips. Better tasting too.

This is Dental Hygiene Week at the Pie Town Preschool.

MP’s learning the importance of regular brushing and flossing. And what happens when you DON’T take care of your teeth, and eat too much sugar.

They turn into marshmallows.

Your gums into cream cheese.

And your lips into rosy red apples.

(It’s all very Mr. Potato Head-y.)

Then your teeth fall out and the Tooth Fairy leaves candy under your pillow while you sleep.

I know there’s a lesson in here somewhere.

Once a month I volunteer at a local elementary school. United Way provides an after-school program for kids whose parents have to work, and I help out with whatever they may need that day. Sometimes it’s helping kids with homework, sometimes it’s playing with them on the monkey bars.

This week, as I’m pulling up to the school, I see flashing lights in my rear view mirror. Totally taken off guard, I park in front of a chain link fence bordering the playground. Two cops get out of their cruiser — one of them, I kid you not, crept up the side of the car, hand on her holstered gun like she was ready to take me out. Keep in mind, the lights are still going. And now, the kids are starting to gather along the fence.

Apparently I “blew through the school zone going 29 MPH.” I said the sun was in my eyes. I said the school crept up on me — I can never remember how to get there. I said I had no idea I was going 29 MPH. All true. The best part, though?

COP: Are you a parent? Are you picking up your child?

ME: No. I’m a volunteer.

COP: Oh, really?

ME: Mmm hmm — for the United Way After School Program? I’m here to help the kids with their homework until their parents can pick them up.

Ooh yeah Baby. An even BETTER answer than “I have diarrhea.” (Which I’m SO going to use someday.)

Now the kids are waving.

We talk a little longer, he checks my license, registration, insurance, etc. and tells me he’s letting me off with a warning.

Schweet.

Mommypie. Model Citizen. Example Setter.

God, sex and a physiology lesson. All in one morning.

Stormy weather the past few days has totally farked up the satellite, so we’ve been without TV. Which isn’t so bad. (Except I miss my spook shows. I was sad without my Ghost Hunters last night.)

Instead of watching cartoons this morning while I got ready for work, MP was left to her own devices. Over the course of an hour, we talked about space, religion, sex and the innermost workings of the brain.

I present this morning’s installation of Deep Thoughts of a Four-Year-Old.

7:22 a.m.
MP: Is the man in the moon God?

7:47 a.m.
Walking out to the car, MP spots Grammy’s dogs goin’ at it. Grammy’s hoping to make a few extra bucks as a part-time puppy farmer. (In between mowing the lawn.)

MP: Mommy, look at Harley and Sandy! They’re being SILLY!

ME: Do you know what they’re doing? They’re trying to make a baby. Er, a puppy.

MP: Ooooh! A PUPPY! Yeah! They’re trying to get it out!

ME: Actually, they’re trying to get it ON. Well, there’s not one in there yet. They’re trying to MAKE one.

MP: Yeah, Harley’s doing TEAMWORK! (arm pump)

♫ Gooo Wonder Pets.

7:56 a.m.
MP yawns on the way to work. Which makes me yawn.

ME: Did you know when you yawn it makes other people yawn?

MP: (smiling) Does it get into your feelings?

Oh, to be four.

Mother’s Day Conversation

Earlier today, MP saw something on TV mentioning Father’s Day along with Mother’s Day.

Heeyy … there’s a FATHER’s Day too?

Mmm hmm. But we celebrate GRANDfather’s Day instead.

Oh yeah.

(big smile)

Is there a KID’s Day?

Yep. Every day.

Life Lesson #3

NEVER look directly at the area surrounding the drive thru window. If necessary, squint to achieve blurred vision.

That’s sun-dried, caked-on food splattered on the exterior, yes? And perhaps a chocolate shake?

Who’s hungry? Not me.

Life Lesson #2

It makes no difference how many times I tell myself I’ll have time to make MP’s lunch in the morning …

I won’t.

Life Lesson #1

The other night, MaggiePie and I were aliens. Which pretty much meant a lot of creature-speak, and since we just landed, a lot of pointing at things we didn’t understand, like food, writing utensils, tv … you get the picture.

When Big Alien tried to eat a plastic hamburger patty, Little Alien smiled, gave Big Alien a hug, and asked, “Mommy, are we going to grow up together?”

Her keen powers of observation reinforced my belief that we never stop growing. And, going hand in hand, the belief that if we’re lucky, we never stop learning. Each night on the drive home, I ask MP what she learned in preschool that day.

What would it be like if I asked myself the same question each night?

So, with that in mind, I’ve come up with a lofty goal for the new year — to recognize and write down each lesson learned, no matter how insignificant it may seem. (‘Cause let’s face it, mind-blowing epiphanies don’t happen every day.)

Or at least to try. (Okay, that’s a little more realistic.)

What MP learned at school today:
The Letter R (In Letterland, that’s Robber Red. Yeah, I don’t get it either.)

What I learned at work today:
Just because YOU may think something is the coolest, most outstanding idea in the world doesn’t mean everyone else does. Keep this in mind when you find your enthusiasm dominating the conversation for, oh, I don’t know, 45 minutes or so. (I happened to be the not so enthusiastic party today.) It’s fantastic to be passionate about someting, but be respectful of people’s time.