Monthly Archives: February 2009

And somewhere a cat wails.

I saw this the other day.


A middle-aged woman parked and got out. She was tanned. She was bleached. She was blown-out. She was plucked. She was blingity-bling-blinged. I couldn’t figure this one out.

I needed my BFF Chile. Back in my City Days, we’d spend countless hours in bars, swigging Bud Light from bottles and making up stories about strangers. The only rule was, you couldn’t choose your own stranger.

For her, I’d choose rockabilly hipsters, argumentative couples, and women sitting alone. Her stories pretty much always involved a cruise of some sort. And bongo drums.

For me, she’d choose sad old men, big boobed bimbos, and buttoned-up business men. My stories pretty much always involved a stripper pole. And dirty mattresses. Apartments filled with cats. Run of the mill stuff.

If Chile were here, she say the Call Me Lady was an aggressive Mary Kay Consultant, trying to earn enough points to win a pink Caddy. And take her husband on a cruise to Mexico. Where, after three days of mind-numbing shuffleboard tournaments, she’d get drunk on pina coladas and have illicit sex with a smelly bongo player.

I’d disagree. Clearly the Call Me Lady is an escort. My first inclination would be to say this was the madam, but I’m pretty sure the madam would have INCLUDED HER PHONE NUMBER SOMEWHERE.

Or maybe she’s just really good at suggestive sign language. All I know is somehow there’s got to be a stripper pole.

And cats.



Filed under Piece of the Past

Hostess with the Mostess I am not.

So, a few weeks ago, I thought I’d try something completely new and organize a real-time, online swap meet on Swap Mamas. It was scheduled for this past Saturday. However, I’ve spent every spare minute each night on the phone with The Boy, and Saturday night was no different. While the two of us talked, I tried to log into the Swap Mama’s Chat Room. And couldn’t get in. Because my computer sucks donkey dookie lately. Some hostess, eh?

The Boy took over for me, entered the Chat Room from his end of the country and struck up a conversation with two of my favorite bloggers, Auds at Barking Mad, and Mrs. Waltz from Waltz in Exile.

While I wish I still had the chat on record, it seems large chunks of it magically disappeared hours later. And never having actually SEEN it myself, my only account is second-hand. I’d love to hear Auds and Waltz’s version (Hear that Doogs? Blog Fodder!). From what I could make out, while I was drowning my frustration in Bud Light, the threeway went something like this.

• Not knowing The Boy’s true identity, Auds and Waltz begin to size him up.

• Auds and Waltz become increasingly suspicious, and ask if The Boy has a blog.

• They ask if he even has kids.

• They wonder out loud if The Boy is trolling.

• The Boy tells them he’s on the phone with me and that I’m trying to get online.

• A&W warm up to The Boy, figuring he must not be TOO creepy.

• Ten minutes of conversation pass. A lightbulb goes off. “They’re figuring it out! They’re figuring it out!” The Boy says.

And suddenly, my online life and my real life collide. The Boy is laughing. I am laughing. I’m pretty sure Auds and Waltz are laughing.

We’re totally busted.

And the next day? The Boy and I did what any couple mad for one another in 2009 does. We changed our Facebook profiles from “Single” to “In a Relationship.”

Yup. It’s official.


Filed under Piecing it Together

Dolphin Book Giveaway Winner!

Congrats Laura — you’re the new owner of the AWESOME Uncover a Dolphin book!


I’m thinking your boys will totally dig it.

Thanks to everyone who played along, and helped me spread the word about Swap Mamas — we’re up to 117 members! (Are you one of the 117? No? Gitcher butt over there and JOIN, Mama! Chop chop!)


Filed under Contest Winners

What a girl wants. Or not.

So, Facebook ads. Tailored to my profile. A 40-year-old single woman.



No. Reeeaally?

Is THIS one of those great guys? Do you think his mom knows he’s in his room with the webcam right now? ‘Cause, OMG, he’d be, like, soooo busted.

Thank goodness he has enough sense to keep that v-neck on.


Filed under Piecemeal

With a little help from my friends, a giveaway.

Swap Mamas has been up a little over a week and there’s no simpler way to say it. I’m in awe of you all.

You’re banding together like I knew you would. You’re connecting. You’re giving. And more than that? Many of you aren’t asking for a thing in return, which totally blows me away.

And now I want EVERYONE to join! I want EVERYONE to reap the rewards! I’m cheesy and gooey and on such a high, I can’t stop talking about it. Which is bad, because people are REALLY going to get sick of all my Swap Mamas tweets. Seriously.

This is where YOU, my friends, come in. Help me spread the word about Swap Mamas, and I have a super cool giveaway for one of you.

The lovely people at Silver Dolphin Books sent me a box of their kids titles and asked me to review (which you know I’ll only do if I can give away copies) — I’ve decided to review one a week (give or take) which means I’ll be giving away one a week!

dolphinbookThis week’s book is Uncover a Dolphin, and it’s seriously cool. I wish I had a photo that showed the inside, but I’ll describe it as best I can. You open the book and encased in the board book pages is an intricate plastic model detailing the skeletal system, the cardiopulmonary system, the digestive system, nervous system, etc.

Uncover a Dolphin is recommended for ages eight and up, but MP and I thoroughly enjoyed going through it together (and she’s just nearly five). We learned how a dolphin communicates. We learned what they eat. As for my favorite section title, I’m gonna have to go with, “Blubber: Dolphin’s Best Friend.”

Not only is it highly educational (Did you know an Orca is a dolphin?!? Wha? All this time I thought it was a whale.) it’s great to read WITH your child. And now one of you will get your very own copy (retail value of $18.95)!

You just have to do one of the following, and come back and tell me about it in the comments.

• Tweet about Swap Mamas and make sure to include the link: (for whatever reason, it doesn’t work without the www, so this is important).

• Post about Swap Mamas if you have a blog.

• Invite all your friends to join Swap Mamas! You can do this directly through the Swap Mamas INVITE link or through your own email (make sure to cc me!

I know there are a bunch of you who’ve already posted and tweeted — you’re AWESOME! Just leave a comment and you’ll be entered.

I’ll draw a random name this coming Friday, so make sure and comment by 5 p.m. MST — Good luck!


Filed under Pie House Giveaway

It’s MP’s world. I just live in it.

I usually have Friday’s off, but last week was crazy busy, which meant I had to run into work for a few hours Friday afternoon. Which meant I had to bring MP with me. Which meant helluuuu Happy Meal. I figured it’d keep her occupied for at least 25 minutes.

We were sitting in the McDonald’s drive-thru when MP made an observation.

“Heeeey … the McDonald’s sign looks like a big ‘M.'”

“Yep. And you know why? Sound out McDonald’s. What does it start with?”

“Mmmmmmm. M!”

“That’s right.”



“So if it started with a ‘D’ it would be DickDonald’s.


“And the sign would have a big ‘D’ instead of an ‘M!'”

(Uncontrollable laughter) “Yes, it WOULD.”

“Whoa. Aaaawesome.”


Hooked on Phonics. Mommypie gives it two thumbs up.

WAY up.


Filed under Make Me Laugh Monday