Last night I watched Tribal Life on The Travel Channel, for the first time. I was NOT disappointed. In fact, I came away with more than a few epiphanies.
1. This Thanksgiving season, I am especially thankful for the miracle of underwire.
2. Apparently it’s more important to cover the twig. Berries, not so much. Which I totally don’t get — if it had to be one or the other, shouldn’t it be the other way around? It’s all a bit too precarious for my liking. I’d be strappin’ on a turtle shell or SOMETHING.
3. The drive to impress women with acts of sheer stupidity is universal. The episode I saw? All about land jumping. That’s the ORIGINAL version of bungee jumping. Only it’s done from vines with very little spring. And the men jump from an eight-foot bamboo tower. Their heads actually hit the ground. Total Penis Contest. If someone plucked these guys out of the jungle, dropped them in the middle of a car dealership, and told them they could have whatever make they’d like … they’d totally choose Monster Trucks and Hummers. The winner of THIS particular contest won a handful of grass, which, judging from the looks on everyone’s faces, seemed just as impressive.
4. THIS is the actual warning that appears at the beginning of the show.
WHAT?!? Nekkid Natives?!? God forbid MP see a few sets of flapjacks and bare asses.
Now THIS … this would be SO much more helpful in the Pie House Viewing Selection Process.
And yes, that is my TV. Flat screens are SO 2007.
5. People everywhere like to get wasted and party once in awhile. With maybe the exception of Tibet. And Utah. I especially enjoyed watching a guy named BONG get drunk on Jungle Juice. *sigh* Spring Break ’89 seems just like yesterday.
6. No one is safe from the effects of gravity over time. I’m talkin’ women AND men, people. And the gravity I’M talkin’ ’bout has nothing to do with jumping from a tall tower. Ten bucks says you can’t guess what’s running through my head right now …
Doooo yer balls hang low
Do yer balls hang low
Can you tie ’em in a knot
Can you tie ’em in a bow
Can you throw ’em over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier
Do yer balls hang low?
Ah, campfire songs. Good times.
It’s at this moment MP comes out of her room, strapped to her iPod, singing Peppermint Twist. Oh, sweet comedy. Timing, my friends. It’s EVERYTHING.