It was brought to my attention that one of my Tweets Thursday sounded a bit … odd.
You’re right, it does sound like code. (You and your dirty minds.) Unfortunately, my life is not NEARLY that racy.
Here’s the poop. The company I work for puts on an annual business conference, complete with workshops, exhibitors and a cocktail hour. One of the showcase vendors was a massage therapy center. I’ve had some serious back pain for a few years now (helluu Mommy Back), which has escalated over the last few months, so I asked the guy manning the booth for a massage.
I went to lie on the table face down when he told me to turn over, saying something about not being able to form a relationship with the back of a head. Mkay, different, but I get it.
Before the guy cracked everything from my toes to my fingertips to my neck, he told me my back pain stemmed from my feet. He pointed out that I put my weight on the outside of them, which throws everything off. Which I’d never noticed before, but is totally true.
He brought my knees up to my chest — up and out. He told me to relax. To which I replied in my head, “Dude, unless you wanted me to push some major wind, you do NOT want me to relax.” Seriously. I went into this thinking I was getting vanilla. Not spumoni. I was fully unprepared for Yogi-in-a-Box-Contortions.
And then, at one point he started pushing on my stomach with one hand while the other cradled the small of my back.
“Are you cycling?” he says.
“Yeah.” I answer.
I thought he was asking if I biked. I was just about to tell him all about MP’s bike trailer when he says, “I can tell. Your ovaries are swollen.”
Umm …
“Are you cramping?”
“Uh, no …”
“Well, this should help …”
AWWWWKWARD.
Despite this completely uncomfortable exchange, by the time he was done, I was ready to pledge allegiance to his Body Shop. I WAS in Heaven. I literally had NO pain. I told everyone I saw to “Go over to this guy’s booth and get a massage OMG it’s amazing and incredible and I’m totally making an appointment first thing Monday.”
Until Saturday morning when I’m feeling like I’ve been hit by a train. And I literally cannot get out of bed. So much for blind allegiance. The back is just as bad as before, if not worse.
Not so bad that I couldn’t make it to the theater. MP and I went to see a local production of Pippi Longstocking.
And back cracker be damned, all was right with the world.
Mommy Pie 
Puffy ovaries always make me laugh.
I was just thinking of the old Pippy movies and how they seemingly fell of the face of the earth, looks like a good time.
So many things I love about this.
(1) I HAVE farted on my chiropractor and know the importance of NOT relaxing when they tell you to relax
(2) Laughed out loud at the cycling bit because I totally thought he meant bikes, too
(3) The kids with their eyes blanked out look like Mademoiselle Fashion Don’t victims.
Heee!
Okay go back and see him. Seriously. The first two weeks you will be sore then after that you will feel better. Trust me!
I think I will just keep my “wind” to myself. Thank you very much!!!
I dressed up as Pippi Longstocking for Halloween one year. Fourth grade, I think. Does that make me OLD?
Yeah, my back hurts again too. I’m trying Andy’s Chiro this week, I’ll let you know how it goes.
MP is the cutest kid I have ever seen. EVER!
And I have kids of my own, so that’s really saying something.
Don’t give up on the back guy just yet. I bet what you experienced is normal. I loved the Pippi books and movies!
threeboys1mommy – I miss Pippi too! It was fun to see MP experience her first small venue play.
Beej – HA! I remember you Tweeting about the fart. And LOL with Mademoiselle Don’ts.
KD, ACW and Mel – I may give it another shot. I’m desperate.
Big Hair Envy – If you’re old, I’m right there with ya, ma Doog.
SDM – Aw, thanks, but T & B are pretty darn cute too!!
It will hurt for a while, but it gets better. You just can’t stop after the first one, you have to keep going to get the muscles & joints in the right place. Trust me, it gets better!
It really doesn’t get better.
when i was little i loved pippi, i am blogging about it this week. oh and i think chiropractors make you drink the kool-aid dont do it.
Real massage therapy of the physical therapy variety does often result in pain afterwards as things are healing; however, it should decrease to a level less than where it originally started within a few days. A few sessions should also mean less pain after each one, and decreased pain overall from the original place. It might be worth trying another session or two.
Thank you, MommyTime! I’m telling you, it’s not a quick fix…you’re trying to fix something that has had years to wrong itself…doesn’t just get fixed overnight. 🙂
I saw that tweet and it cracked me up. And then I cracked up again at the back story. Cycling, ha!