Coffee’s On

The following story comes from one of my very favorite bloggers who has asked to remain anonymous. When said blogger asked to borrow some Mommypie space, I of course said CHAH. Which means yes. Because said blogger always has the very best stories and tells them so well. Read for yourself …

* * * * *

“Just so you know, I haven’t bought coffee beans for the office in a long time because I can’t afford the gas to drive my car across town to Costco. I’d do it for you, but I won’t do it for Ted,” I said, glowering. “I get the rest of our supplies on this side of town.”

“No no, I know, and that’s fine,” answered Weaver, quickly. “I knew that was why Ted started buying the hazelnut-flavored crap.” Weaver and Ted are partners, both my bosses. Weaver and I get along great; better than great: he’s like the older brother I never had. Ted and I get along, but only because I look the other way over the appalling stunts he pulls. Going through Weaver’s desk almost daily, for instance. Charging personal stuff to the business and lying about it, for instance. Leaving every day by 3:30 to go home secretly to watch Oprah, for instance. I have come to loathe the man.

“By the way,” Weaver began slowly. He hesitated, and I looked up from the “World’s Greatest Boss” mug I was washing. He looked suddenly shy, almost sheepish. I stopped washing and turned to look at him. He chuckled self-consciously. “Have you noticed that I’ve been bringing my own coffee every morning instead of drinking Ted’s?”

“Well, yeah — the hazelnut crap, I know. I hate it, too.” Maybe I’ll suck it up and drive out to Costco for the good coffee, I thought.

“No, it’s not that — well, yeah, that too,” Weaver laughed. “It’s…oh, this is crazy,” he mumbled, looking at his feet.

“What?” I asked, my Spidey Sense tingling.

“It’s just that, I don’t…really…trust the coffee.” He let that sink in.

“Trust it?”

“Yeah. You know the nerve problems I’ve been having, right? Well, it’s been bugging me for a while. Ted gets here three hours before any of us, and…what if he…”

“Poisoned the coffee.”

“YES!” Weaver nearly knocked over the coffee pot. “I mean, I know it sounds crazy — does it sound crazy?”

I thought about it. “It sounds crazy,” I decided. Weaver winced. “But not impossible. I mean, it is Ted we’re talking about.” Weaver looked a little more confident. “But why on earth would you think he wants to kill you?” I asked.

“Because we are named as each other’s beneficiaries on our life insurance policies,” he answered. I gasped.

“Whoa. Is that how it works? Doesn’t that give you each extra incentive to…”

“Yeah, well, it hadn’t ever crossed my mind, until last year.”

“Wait — last year?”

“Yeah, that’s when I started thinking about it. That’s when I started buying a coffee on the way in to work, or bringing a cup from home — didn’t you notice?”

I didn’t answer. My mind was racing, trying to take this all in. Surely it was a big joke, right? A boss telling his employee that he thinks his partner of 20 years might be tipping arsenic into his coffee every morning — crazy. Still…”Oh, thanks a lot!” I blurted out.

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have told you, I’m sorry.”

“NO! I mean, for waiting a year to tell me. I drink his shitty coffee too, you know!”

* * * * *

I have asked Mommypie to publish the following conversation anonymously. The names have been changed, but other than that, it’s a conversation I had with one of my two employers a couple of years ago. It has become an uneasy joke between us.

I don’t have a problem with people knowing who wrote this story, but I don’t want my name linked to it forever on the internet, for obvious reasons.

And just so you know, I no longer drink the coffee, and Weaver and I are not dead.

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19 Comments

Filed under Guest Doog

19 responses to “Coffee’s On

  1. HOLY CRAP! Doooooooood…..

    Is it wrong that I kinda am laughing? Crap…LOL

  2. Wow! I will never look at the pot of free coffee in the break room the same.

  3. I wish I could have poisoned my boss while I was still employed. Now I can only dream.

  4. S.Holmes

    My little consulting business has been slow of late and was starting to get excited hoping that nothing serious would happen to either boss before I and my Doctor friend could get involved.

    But alas, we find out the event happened a couple of years ago and apparently everyone is still healthy.

    Keep me apprised if by chance new circumstances develop.

  5. OMG. Hazelnut? You do know that arsenic tastes like ALMONDS right? I read a story about a little old lady killing her tenants with that stuff when I was a teenager – totally stuck. I never eat offered almonds. I’m totally freaked out by this story. It’s totally something you watch on TV but never really think that can happen – even when you know it’s based on a true story. I’m glad everyone involved is still alive!

  6. Looked back at my comment and I used the word “TOTALLY” three times. See. FREAKED!

  7. A. Noni Mouse

    Mr. Holmes, above, I was going to say, “No sh–, Sherlock!” but I changed my mind, ha ha ha ha.

    I’m sure Weaver and I were just victims of our over-active imaginations, but when Ted would rifle through Weaver’s desk in the early morning, and last month when the only thing touched was the life insurance policy, well…it did spook us. And Weaver set “traps” for Ted all the time–things Ted wouldn’t notice but Weaver could tell instantly that something had been disturbed.

    Does anyone remember the song “Paranoia” by the Kinks? Because I’ve been hearing it in my head a lot lately!

  8. S.Holmes

    A.Noni Mouse

    Did you ever consider that it’s actually Weaver who is setting up Ted……and using you as the alibi?

    Since Weaver is bringing in his own coffee, nobody knows who made it or what’s in it.

    All we know for certain is the coffee Ted makes is not poisoned – as you’re still around to write these (what could very well be your last) notes.

    Not that I’m trying to start anything mind you.

    ps. thanks for not using my real 1st name…people tend to get paranoid when they think a certain professional is on the case.

  9. Oooooh, the plot thickens …

  10. Wow, some seriously devious minds out there! We should pull together to craft a murder mystery and make millions!

  11. S.Holmes

    Great idea forgingahead, but would it even be possible to keep the ending a secret?

    Or would there be multiple headlines, in small towns across the world, “…blog authors seem to be having more accidents than the statistical norm; no connection has yet to be determined….”

    Which remindes me A.Noni Mouse, do the ‘suspects’ add anything to their coffee like sweeteners or flavorings? Do you? Just askin’:)

    So what’s Mommy think of this?

  12. Hmmmmm . . . I wonder how big the payout was gonna be on the life insurance policy? And if it would be worth cozying up to Ted for hush money? ; )

  13. S.Holmes

    Sniff, sniff, sniff….
    Is that the aroma of ….conspiracy…?
    {que music}

  14. I can’t get the shot of Lilly Tomlin in 9 to 5 — mixing rat poison into her boss’s coffee while cartoon birds fluttered and sang around her — out of my head.

  15. S.Holmes

    Yeah, I had the same problem with images of Dolly Parton for several years……:)

  16. Okay, HOW did I not see that coming?

  17. Rick's Cafe

    Yeah, you probably got me pretty well pegged.
    …neanderthal men are a simple lot and their behavior is easy to predict.

  18. Holy cow this is like a board game come life!

  19. S.Holmes

    Who’s turn is it to roll the dice?

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