Who doesn’t love a sure thing?

So, you know I have OCD, right? Bona fide, from birth, medically diagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The real deal, complete with a prescription to prove it, lest ye doubt. (Goooo drugs!)

I have ups and downs. And components of my OCD vary. Everyone who has it — TRULY has it — has different … things. For example, when mine is especially bad, I mentally count everything in sight. There’s a lot of adding. Then reducing to a single digit. There are good numbers and bad numbers. The maddening irony? I HATE math. But this is just ONE of my things. Just one on a very long list.

Blah blah blah. Another mommy blogger on drugs. BFD.

ANYHOO, last night I’m thinking, what if there were a component of OCD that compelled you to act out everything you read? How bad would THAT suck? Twitter would be from the Devil, and I would be at the mercy of every tweet.

Advertisers would LOVE me. One mention of their product and I’d buy it. I’d be a sure thing. And who doesn’t love a sure thing? Helluu toilet paper makers?? Helluu morticians?? Helluu strip clubs?? (SPAM and hot dog eaters, you’re excused.)

Yesterday, my Twitter OCD day would’ve looked like this:

10:22 p.m. @mothergoosemous MIL: “Every house has to have a piano. Every house has to have a bed too, but a piano is better.”
Dropped everything and went piano shopping.

10:23 @mooshinindy @VelveteenMind doughnuts.
Overwhelming urge to eat. Went to Dunkin’ Donuts.

10:36 @Mashable Break.
Just because. Dude. Have you SEEN his avitar??

10:38 @MaggieDammit Underwire in my bra just snapped. Thankfully, no one was hurt. (Twitter was made for moments JUST. LIKE. THIS.)
Whoa! Easy Tiger.

11:30 @andij1967 Out running errands in beautiful Utah weather. Next stop: Costco. That place gives me a shopping boner.
Went shopping. Which aroused me. A-GAIN.

11:45 @Mashable Break.
Helluuu Lovah.

12:48 @snackiepoo Haha @evehorizon! I will find a person hungry for an orgy. Must research!
Um, yeah.

12:53 @Mashable Break.
Um, yeah.

12:54 @teenagehelp I just pigged out on Spaghettios, something about a can of Spaghettios just make me happy!
*Sigh* Orgies aren’t what they used to be. Rush, rush, rush. Ravenous. Raid grocery store canned goods aisle.

12:59 @JenMaselli @alladither Go shopping!
Stimulate the economy.

1:50 @Hip_M0M “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak, like me?” Don’t ask me where I got that from but it’s now stuck in my head.
Wave my freak flag. Bust a move in the car on the drive back to work. Driver in adjacent lane calls 911 to report epileptic seizure in progress.

2:10 @BackpackingDad Three pullups!!! Not, like, in a row.
Must. Exercise. Now. Hang from office doorway. Co-workers finally convinced I’ve lost it.

2:14 @AmyInOhio Damn you bossman!
Tell my boss how I really feel. Something about growing balls …? Am promptly fired.

2:17 @sweetney Am totally breaking up with the internet.
Depressed, I compose a Dear John letter.

2:21 @PetCobra Dan Cortese. There’s a name that evokes snide laughter.
And then cackle madly. Outside my office, co-workers don bullet-proof vests.

2:27 @mrsflinger IIS make me stick a fork in my eyeball and swirl it all around. Server FAIL.
Motherfarker. Ow?

3:37 @Mashable Break.
Ogle with remaining eye.

3:40 @rocksinmydryer It is impossible to listen to the song Zip-a-dee-doo-dah and not do a corny dance.
Exit work. Eye missing. Delirious with pain, I sing. And dance. Co-workers cower beneath their desks.

3:48 Log off and drive myself to the ER. Wheeled in by devastatingly cute orderly. Give a little wink. He vomits.

8:57 Return home with shiny new eyepatch. Am thinking I could totally make this work. Once my mail-order parrot arrives from South America.

8:58 Log back on.

9:16 @mamaspohr mamaspohr They need “CHEER,” “BOO,” “LAUGH,” and “CHANT,” signs, because this audience seems confused.
Break out the poster paint.

10:38 Log off, crawl into bed, exhausted.

10:40 @Mashable Break.
Okay, not THAT tired …

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18 Comments

Filed under Piece of Insanity

18 responses to “Who doesn’t love a sure thing?

  1. In a way, I miss the days before drugs, glorious drugs (why do I suddenly want to break out in song from “Oliver” ?), that help control my OCD (gee thanks mom, that was a genetic slap in the face I didn’t need! Wasn’t the freaky toes already enough?) kicked in…my house was a lot cleaner!

    Of course, now that I’ve read this, I’m going to see Twitter (which I already think is the devil, but am compelled to use it just the same!) in a whole new amusing light.

  2. You’re like the Ella Enchanted of Twitter. 🙂

  3. LOL! That’s great, lol.

    I put my OCD tendencies at work when I need to shelve books. We have the neatest most organized big box book store in Harrisburg.

  4. New here:) I have ADD (bad at times) and threads of OCD. My youngest daughter has OCD pretty bad.

    I like this that you wrote: So if you think I’m not checking comments 100 times a day, you’re the one who’s crazy. Which means, if you care at all about my mental health, you’ll leave me some love.

    I am new to bloggin and totally obsessed. And I check my comments way more than I want to admit:)

  5. I have OCD too thank god for drugs… Too funny if I acted on everything I thought I would have shelves of spaghettios and fifty thousand envelopes, I hate running out of envelopes, Seriously, I do.

  6. If anyone can rock the eyepatch, it’s you. I’m going home to Photoshop one on you now.

  7. Try OCD and ADD together and that = KD.

    Oh and twitter is my lover.

  8. Don’t hold your breath, my parrot has been on back order for five months now.

    Utterly Fantastic.

  9. LOL !! Too funny. Ummm good thing I didn’t tweet yesterday what I tweeted today. LOL

  10. dude, you f-ing slay me!

    btw, i think i may be OCD too, but not quite to the degree you are. i mean, i haven’t been diagnosed or Rx’d drugs for it. HOWEVER, i do count incessantly. i count my steps, i count stairs, i add numbers up and sometimes the sum of the numbers is bad and then i’ll re-count until i get a nice, pretty even number with an 8 in it or something… i got iss-yooz!

  11. You make me laugh. How funny and original. Love it!

  12. Laughing Out Effing Loud. Us OCDers must stick together. I count, I add, but my most frustrating–by far–symptom is I type. All. The. Time. In bed, in the shower, in the car. Typing, typing, typing. (I really don’t have to add that much of the time, there’s no keyboard there, do I?) I type song lyrics, transcribe conversations or just random phrases until usually some particularly pleasurable-to-type string of letters (thisisit is my favorite; I’ll wait while you try it. Nice, huh?) gets stuck in my head–er, fingers–and I type it until my fingers cramp up. Want to know the funny thing? I have been tested and told I do NOT have OCD (WTF?), but OCT (T is for Tendencies). And apparently you have to graduate to full-blown Disorder before they start handing out drugs. Color me jealous. Jealous. Jealous. Jealous. Jealous. Jealous.

  13. ADD here. The entire internet is the devil for me.

  14. I am a diagnosed OCDer too. Driving around the block 6 times to make sure you didn’t hit anybody? Yep. Reading license plate numbers over and over and over? Yep. Avoiding the number 3? Yep.

    Thank God for Zoloft.

  15. Oh, don’t even start thinking about this.

    That way lies madness.

    (My mama gave me ADD genes which she received from her daddy.)

  16. My husband thinks I have OCD. I call it cleanliness.
    thisisit. thisisist. thisisit. thisisht. thisisit. htisiste. Nope, not gettin’ it.

  17. Honestly? And I’m quite serious about this, I think the people who DON’T have tics and tendencies is a MUCH smaller number than the number of people who DO (not including disorders here).

    And I know because I counted it. In alphabetical order.

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