Don’t have a cow, Baby.

Our second full day in Hawaii and we hit the road, driving to the opposite end of the island. To see my very first volcano. I have to confess, this was the thing I was most excited to do.

Six women in a car + juvenille tendencies = BALL TALK.

Somehow we started talking about Rocky Mountain Oysters. Which, for those of you unfamiliar with Western Cuisine, are not really oysters. They’re bull balls. In this corner of the U.S. we even have a little annual something called the Testicle Festival.

So not kidding.

Cannonball spent summers working on her family ranch. And castrating cattle. Which is how I think the whole conversation started.

“So are all the sperm actually IN the balls when they’re cooked?”

“I guess. I don’t know.”

“So you’re eating fried sperm.”

“Uhh … maybe?”



“Have you ever tried them?”

“Yeah. They were … meaty.”




“Have YOU ever eaten them?”

“No way. I don’t want to get pregnant.”

“Yeah, what if you COULD get pregnant by eating balls?”

“Wait. You can’t?”

“That would suck.”



“You’d have a cow-baby.”

“Inter-specie-al cow-baby.”

And then Cher came on the radio and started singing Half Breed.

Okay, not really, but that would’ve been AWESOME.



Filed under Piece of Paradise

21 responses to “Don’t have a cow, Baby.

  1. Heading to the bathroom to attempt scrubbing that image from my eyes. Blech!

    Random trivia: my son was conceived on that volcano. TMI?

  2. How cool! I love conception stories. Which sounds weird, huh?

  3. Finn

    See what happens when you are sitting in the waaay back jamming to bad ’80’s tunes? You miss all the great conversations.

    P.S. Personally, I thought they tasted like chicken!

  4. Dude – am I the ONLY one who’s never tried them? Oh, and your ’80s mix — AWESOME.

  5. I guess your conversations about Dickens and Austen were later. . .

  6. Umm Ewww. Now I have to go back and read all the other Hawaii posts I missed!

  7. The only way to get pregnant eating balls is if you eat them in a jacuzzi. Seriously, trust me, I have 4 kids.

  8. SEE?!? Fried sperm. Well, technically, BOILED.

  9. Duuuuude, “Half Breed!” Not bloody likely, but what a great segue. Only Cher could bring ball talk to a screechy halt. And yes, I meant to type “screechy.”

  10. HHAHAHA my Colorado self totally appreciated this post. I was laughing my ass off.

  11. Mountain Oysters have a totally different meaning here. They are things that you cough up and spit out. They involve phlegm. They are even more disgusting then Bull Balls.

    What can I say? We live in the country…..

  12. Bleck! I’ve heard of them, but have never tried them. Bull Balls makes for better conversation than eating, me thinks. Yours was hilarious.

    I think I might bring up the subject with hubby and see how the conversation goes.;)

  13. I’ve always felt it was ironical how when something sucks, we refer to it as sucking balls. In a man’s world (as long as they’re not doing the sucking) (well, depending on their orientation, I guess) isn’t ball-sucking actually a very good thing? So we say, yeah, that sucks balls and they’re like YEAH BABY! But for a woman, the phrase “that sucks balls” has a negative conotation, probably because we associate ball sucking with that of a chore. Sucks balls? Poor girl!

    Maybe I’ve spent too much time thinking this over.

  14. Did I just type “ironical?” How can you people actually take my ball sucking theory seriously now? Gah!

  15. I thought your ironical was ironic.

  16. That entire post was a “That’s what she said” player’s DREAM.

  17. i’m suppressing my gag reflex. sorry.
    i am so laughing at bejewell.

  18. Erin

    OH. MY. GAWD. While driving through Montana to Wyoming to visit my best friend several years ago, I stopped for gas. Next to the gas station was a large outdoor wooden stage with a sign hanging overhead that said, “Testicle Festival” and I swear to GOD I took a picture of it and laughed for weeks afterward. SO FUNNY.

    P.S. Mike’s Hard Lemonade is my favorite. We buy cases of the stuff. My favorite is pomegranate. Have you tried it yet?

  19. Haha! Too funny! First time on your blog…Love it! And cute photo on your sidebar…I thought my four year old was the only one to walk around with a pull-up on her head. Go figure? 😀

  20. OMG – you and your girls kill me! I laughed my arse off and had to keep reading your posts. I’m a new fan and will be checking in regularly to read your blog. AWESOME!!!!

  21. Bwahaaha-good times. Ball talk? Always entertaining. Especially when Mommy Pie’s involved.

    So, how WAS that volcano?


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