Did someone say Endowment for the Arts?

The Venus of Willendorf is a 4 3/8 inches high statuette of a female figure estimated to have been created between 24,000 BC and 22,000 BC. Discovered in 1908, very little is known about its origin, method of creation, or cultural significance.

The Venus is thought to be an idealization of the female figure and possibly a fertility idol, however, the purpose of the carving is subject to much speculation.

And here we have the lesser known PENIS of Willendorf, circa [August] 2008 AD.

See that thing between two giant man legs?

It’s a Dough Dick.

And I’m not quite sure WHAT it means.

When I asked MP what it was, she looked about as clueless as I was speechless.

“Uuhh, a rock?” she shrugged.

“Did you make this yourself?” I asked. “Or did someone help you?”


Here’s where Mommypie breathes an audible sigh of relief.

“Wow. You did a really good job!” Er, yeah.

Perhaps some day, 26,000 years from now, some dude wearing breathable Space Khakis will unearth this Pre-Schoolian sculpture from a tar pit where The Pie House stood millennia before, and declare it a rare find — a tool presented to brides-to-be in an primitive ritual known as “the Bachelorette Party.” Back when procreation involved actual sex instead of the commonly practiced clone method, of course.

Truth is, I’m not even convinced MP remembers making it at all. Which isn’t unusual, considering the multitude of art projects she brings home every week. But … it DOES have her name on it. And … it IS displayed on the mantle.

Like a smuggled pre-Cambrian archaeological find.

Which, growing up we actually HAD on our mantle. One day I accidentally knocked it from its perch and broke off the figure’s nose. I cannot adequately express just how pissed my parents were. I was devastated. I carried the guilt for YEARS. Until we found out my uncle bought it at some roadside tourist stop in South America.

I digress.

Were this a NYC penthouse, and were I fabulously rich and famous, the Dough Dick would no doubt be assumed a bona fide, historically significant archaeological discovery. And I’d be so proud that not even Donald Trump had one on HIS mantle.

I am the proud owner of a Dough Dick. The only one of its kind.

Trump THAT.



Filed under Art Piece

30 responses to “Did someone say Endowment for the Arts?

  1. My head, it spins. I will never, ever look at those old statues the same. I will forever think, “Probably some little kid made that in art class, and they’re all laughing their asses off in Heaven about us being all, ‘It’s ART!'”, and then I’ll be all Pissy McCrankyson because I hate being laughed AT, even when it’s by ghosties or angels or whatever (I don’t know that I’d enjoy the ghosties/angels/whatever laughing WITH me, though…creepy!!), and I’ll wind up smashing all that prehistoric, little kid art and then going on a rampage through all those caves with the little kid fingerpainting on the walls which has always looked just like what Lenna used to draw on the walls of our house and then? Then, I’ll be in jail for defacing all that ART!! and when I get shanked (because I’m pretty sure candyasses with big mouths always get shanked), the ghosties/angels/whatever will all be mega-pissed that I effed with their kids’ art, and I will be in Hell.

    So, thanks, MP. Thanks a lot.

  2. Pingback: Mommy Pie and her Dough Dick. | The Stephford Diaries

  3. littlemansmom

    ahhh…the true abstract artist! 😉

  4. Donna-Michele

    You are tooo funny.

    I was laughing before I even got to the ‘new’ art. I was thinking, wow, there were gals built like me even back then… only, I stopped wearing my hair that way 10 years ago… well, cause it looked like that!

  5. The pictures are good, the second one seems little funny and the asking to MP section i really laughed at it.

  6. I think your daughter’s pre school teacher has a little bit of explaining to do.

    What exactly were they trying to sculpt? Because it’s not like she was going for an ashtray and ended up with a penis.


    Too funny!

  7. I know, right? I was seriously contemplating taking it back in and asking the teacher. Helluu, Crazy Mom.

  8. LMFAO – First, can we start with the chick? Loving the crochet cap -“I am big and beautiful and I’m rockin’ a sassy cap”

    The other thing that made me lmao was “you did a really good job”.

    You crack me up.

  9. 🙂 Too funny. Maybe it was an elephant? Eitherway, the phallic symbolism cannot be denied.

  10. I’m sorry. That is going to stay with me all day. Thank you!

  11. You should totally take that to Antiques Roadshow and see if they’ll appraise it for you.

  12. Erin

    It looks like the back end of an elephant to me. Get your mind out of the gutter!

  13. pisceshanna and Erin — You’re SO right. An elephant. I’m goin’ with it.

  14. I can’t top that. Although the school year is young yet.

  15. Oh my! I don’t think I can quite top a dough dick, though it is slung down to its hypothetical knees….. So dough is very well endowed!

  16. Hahahaha! You should get her to make a few more. They would sell like hotcakes on eBay:)

  17. Good to know she hasn’t set her sights too high. 😉

  18. I was going to ask why the doughy thing in the middle is so small… but then I decided to agree with Erin that it’s the back of an elephant. Haha.

    funny post.

  19. Hilarious! I love it, btw, the Dough Dick. I also love the name. I dated some dough dicks back in the day. Not as cute as the sculptures.

  20. Sooo, you went out with a-holes who had a lot of money? Ooorrr …

    Yeah, the alternative’s not much prettier.


  21. I can’t even imagine what she had INTENDED to make! It’s probably a butterfly. Way to put your mind in the gutter!

  22. I luv it! I hope you get rich off of the dough dick one day! I’m not sure where I would put it in my house, but I think it would work in a real artsy-fartsy house!

  23. Is the dough hard or soft? is the question that begs an answer. And why is it that my body post childbirth looks eerily like the Venus of Willendorf? OK, the apple pie and gelato I had tonight might be a slight contributor too.

    Now check this out. http://www.dirtandnoise.com/2008/08/i-feel-just-like-sally-field.html

  24. It may be me, but Dough Dick looks like a George Washington wig with a nose.

    Surely it can’t just be me. You see it too, right?

  25. I was hoping to read something boring here, to cure my insomnia, but this ended up being a rad article. Now I just want to have kids and wait for them to bring home cool art treasures.

  26. I could swear the Venus of Willendorf was modeled after yours truly….well except for the fact that I’m not quite THAT old!

  27. Who knew Venus was into reggae fashions and had a brazillian?

    Dough . . . a dick . . . a female —



  28. But is it “art”?

    Answer: Totally.

  29. Oh God. How I love you. And your daughter’s innocence. Providing fodder for us Mommy Pie readers. Sweet baby Jesus.

  30. I LOVE IT! I had to write an essay on the “Venus of Willendorf” in art school. I’m totally fighting the urge to write a new one now on the “Penis of Willendorf.” I’m sure it would be far more entertaining. 🙂

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