What to write about when you have nothing to write about.

Deb at San Diego Momma was my very first blog friend. The minute I found her blog I felt a connection with this lovely, quirky, genuine, ghost hunting momma. She’s a REAL writer, in every sense of the word. Her words mingle to paint pictures like no one else. Sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes downright hilarious, if you’re not already reading her, adding her to your blogroll is a MUST. Plus, she’s obsessed with fart humor. That, in and of itself is a MAJOR selling point.

When Mommy Pie first asked me to guest post, I jumped at the chance. After all, when we’d met at the Playboy mansion, she sent me my very first online friend e-mail back in February, we became fast virtual friends. I’d do anything for Mommy Pie, including but not limited to, shoving her enemies into a wood chipper. (Within reason of course. I mean, her enemy would have to be dead first. Or half dead. Nothing that a firm blow to the head or a few choppy minutes in a wood chipper couldn’t fix.) And so the guest post? Seemed so much easier than dismemberment. Plus, I was flattered she’d ask, and quickly set to work identifying a topic.

That was two weeks ago.

Then when Mommy Pie sent me a reminder e-mail that my guest post was due, I panicked. Why, I had nothing to write. And my PMS-addled brain locked down but good. I grew feverish. What to do? What to do? I guess I could post a recipe and be done with it. That’d be safe. Because usually when I’m at a loss, I return to my 13-year-old self and write about something gross, usually involving mucous and butts. But that wouldn’t fly here. I knew I was in real trouble when I started a post titled,”Top 10 Disgusting Crayon Names for Innocuous Colors.” As soon as I got to “Schmegma,” (white) I knew Mommy Pie would never talk to me again. “Speculum” (silver) clinched the deal. I dumped the crayon idea. (But sadly, I have more names. MAD Magazine? Call me.)

So I scanned the Internet for ideas. Most guest posts are hilarious. Hmm. I was screwed there. And the posts that weren’t hysterical were by turns, sweet, then sentimental. Safe to say I was definitely screwed in those areas. Yet, yeeetttt, I did end up finding some good ideas, and then I had it! I’d write a post about what to write about when you have nothing to write about! Yes! It was catchy. I could do it.

Here it is.

What to Write About When You Have Nothing to Write About

1. Post a recipe. Something easy and doable. And, use alliteration. That’s what the big dogs do. Something like “Couch Crumb Crunch.”

2. Do a non-gross Top 10 List. (See above for what not to do)

3. Make stuff up. “If Bloggers Were Movie Actors,” works nicely. I see Mommy Pie as Meg Ryan. Pre tire-lips, post nervous breakdown.

4. Offer Valuable Insight. i.e. “What Your Favorite Reality Show Reveals About You.” Currently, I’m into Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. It’s an oxymoron. So, I guess that means I’m an oxymoron? Or, just a moron?
Wow. It is complicated.

5. Tell a Story. Tip: Avoid all the “don’ts” done above.

6. Write a “How-To.” Maybe “Guide to Buying a Spacious Wood Chipper and How to Install It on Your Remote Piece of Property.”

7. Share a personal experience. And spice it up a bit. Something like, “My Guest Post was Abducted by Aliens. No. Sex Zombies. No. Naked Demon Barbies.”

8. Comment on the news. For instance, Did you all hear that Tom Cruise Left Katie for Zothar, Dark Lord of Hubbardia?

9. Share handy tips. Try “How to Survive in a Toys R Us Using Only GPS and a Stun Gun.”

10. Be weird. Maybe people will feel sorry for you and leave a supportive comment.

And if those don’t work, post photos of your dogs. Be sure to drape spaghetti over his or her nose. Then make it into a calendar, incorporate yourself and you’ll be set for life.

p.s. “Impetigo” would have been the pink crayon.

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15 Comments

Filed under Guest Doog

15 responses to “What to write about when you have nothing to write about.

  1. Crap…you mean to tell me I could have made ALL my wiener pics better with pasta?

    Shit….

    Hallie
    http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

  2. Or…you could pepper the blogosphere with cocktails! Kinda like the recipe thing, eh?

    Please, oh please tell the other crayon names! As the mother of boys, I need to be armed with that kind of gross wittiness to make it through the grade school years.

  3. I am so with you on the “guest-block.” It’ s ulcer-inducing. But your was hilarious!

  4. I vote for crayons and farts. Nice seeing you here!

  5. Wow, I love these post ideas. SOOOOOO much better and more creative than any of the “official” ones I’ve seen around. Also, I snorted out loud in Panera laughing at “impetigo” as a crayon color. You are awesome, my friend. (And I’m not just saying that because I feel sorry for you. Which I don’t. Because you are a very funny writer.)

  6. Since I lack dogs to photograph, I just post silly pics of my kids. Works just as well. Draping them with pasta would be even better.

  7. That was great. I love the list of tips.

  8. Supportive comment? Because I feel sorry for you? Um, yeah, I feel sorry for you in that way I feel sorry for EVERYONE who makes me snork breakfast food because I cannot eat and laugh at the same time. In other words, not at all.

  9. I’m gonna be a tease.
    I’ll give you one name at a time.

    “Dingle Berry” was brown.

    Stay tuned.

  10. “Impetigo” is a word you just don’t hear often enough. But I’m sure it’s in a few yearbooks and I just haven’t noticed.

    If only I had had this advice LAST WEEK. Of course, then, I would have had to guest post AFTER you, which I just couldn’t handle. Yer awesome. : )

  11. Whuuuuuuuuuuuuut????? Tom Cruise left Katie?

  12. “Staphylococcus” = green.

    There’s more, people, I’m embarrassed to say.

  13. awesome, Deb… terrific. when you’re not trying, you’re even better!

    when i have nothing to say (most of the time), i just bitch about my husband and the topsy-turvy of my married life. oh yeah, and lots of pictures… because we all love pictures!

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