Deb at San Diego Momma was my very first blog friend. The minute I found her blog I felt a connection with this lovely, quirky, genuine, ghost hunting momma. She’s a REAL writer, in every sense of the word. Her words mingle to paint pictures like no one else. Sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes downright hilarious, if you’re not already reading her, adding her to your blogroll is a MUST. Plus, she’s obsessed with fart humor. That, in and of itself is a MAJOR selling point.
When Mommy Pie first asked me to guest post, I jumped at the chance. After all, when
we’d met at the Playboy mansion, she sent me my very first online friend e-mail back in February, we became fast virtual friends. I’d do anything for Mommy Pie, including but not limited to, shoving her enemies into a wood chipper. (Within reason of course. I mean, her enemy would have to be dead first. Or half dead. Nothing that a firm blow to the head or a few choppy minutes in a wood chipper couldn’t fix.) And so the guest post? Seemed so much easier than dismemberment. Plus, I was flattered she’d ask, and quickly set to work identifying a topic.
That was two weeks ago.
Then when Mommy Pie sent me a reminder e-mail that my guest post was due, I panicked. Why, I had nothing to write. And my PMS-addled brain locked down but good. I grew feverish. What to do? What to do? I guess I could post a recipe and be done with it. That’d be safe. Because usually when I’m at a loss, I return to my 13-year-old self and write about something gross, usually involving mucous and butts. But that wouldn’t fly here. I knew I was in real trouble when I started a post titled,”Top 10 Disgusting Crayon Names for Innocuous Colors.” As soon as I got to “Schmegma,” (white) I knew Mommy Pie would never talk to me again. “Speculum” (silver) clinched the deal. I dumped the crayon idea. (But sadly, I have more names. MAD Magazine? Call me.)
So I scanned the Internet for ideas. Most guest posts are hilarious. Hmm. I was screwed there. And the posts that weren’t hysterical were by turns, sweet, then sentimental. Safe to say I was definitely screwed in those areas. Yet, yeeetttt, I did end up finding some good ideas, and then I had it! I’d write a post about what to write about when you have nothing to write about! Yes! It was catchy. I could do it.
Here it is.
What to Write About When You Have Nothing to Write About
1. Post a recipe. Something easy and doable. And, use alliteration. That’s what the big dogs do. Something like “Couch Crumb Crunch.”
2. Do a non-gross Top 10 List. (See above for what not to do)
3. Make stuff up. “If Bloggers Were Movie Actors,” works nicely. I see Mommy Pie as Meg Ryan. Pre tire-lips, post nervous breakdown.
4. Offer Valuable Insight. i.e. “What Your Favorite Reality Show Reveals About You.” Currently, I’m into Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. It’s an oxymoron. So, I guess that means I’m an oxymoron? Or, just a moron?
Wow. It is complicated.
5. Tell a Story. Tip: Avoid all the “don’ts” done above.
6. Write a “How-To.” Maybe “Guide to Buying a Spacious Wood Chipper and How to Install It on Your Remote Piece of Property.”
7. Share a personal experience. And spice it up a bit. Something like, “My Guest Post was Abducted by Aliens. No. Sex Zombies. No. Naked Demon Barbies.”
8. Comment on the news. For instance, Did you all hear that Tom Cruise Left Katie for Zothar, Dark Lord of Hubbardia?
9. Share handy tips. Try “How to Survive in a Toys R Us Using Only GPS and a Stun Gun.”
10. Be weird. Maybe people will feel sorry for you and leave a supportive comment.
And if those don’t work, post photos of your dogs. Be sure to drape spaghetti over his or her nose. Then make it into a calendar, incorporate yourself and you’ll be set for life.
p.s. “Impetigo” would have been the pink crayon.