There’s a special place in Hell reserved for swimsuit designers.

Tomorrow I’m on my way. Hawaii bound. You guys seriously made me feel much better yesterday — I’m TRYING to relax. Rest assured, I’m fully planning on taking some of your advice and having a few cocktails on the flights.

I have to say, the only thing I’m NOT looking forward to once I actually get to the island (besides missing MP) is putting on the swimsuit. It’s been an ordeal trying to find one the past few months.

I resorted to catalog shopping after spending an afternoon in Old Navy, trying on suits designed for 15 year-old freestanding boobs. Boobs that have never seen an underwire. Boobs that consider a small piece of triangular cloth and some string, support.

Not to mention suits designed for 15 year-old cellulite-free boy hips. Hips that have not yet earned growth-spurt stretch marks. Hips that have not spread and supported extra lbs and endured childbirth. Breeders.

Clearly, even CONSIDERING a suit of this nature was a mistake of epic proportions. Literally. And when MP patted my stomach in the dressing room and said when SHE grew up she was going to have a BIG belly like mine, any miniscule hope of pulling off a bikini disappeared quicker than a Twinkie at Grammy’s house.

So, the catalog shopping. I LOVED this. (Don’t have a pic of the top.)

The ad copy read: This Boy Bottom sits on the hip and is surprisingly flattering on both women with curvy hips and women with straight hips.

Ordered it.

I call BS. Show me one woman, with the exception of this catalog’s triathlete models, who can pull off the boy short. I’m a sucka.

Then I tried this.

Not bad, but back to the big belly thing. Goodbye bikini. *sniff

And finally, this modest little twosome. We have a winner. Kinda.

I came out of the deal with a tankini top that works. I’ll be mixing and matching with some black bottoms from my ugly old Speedo two-piece. They must be 10 years old, but they’re black, and they’ll match.

I have A LOT of returns to make.

It boils down to this.

Tits and Ass. Remember A Chorus Line?

Why do I even care? I’ll be with five of my oldest friends. We’re all the same age. I’m sure we’ll ALL have the suit issue. Maybe. The answer lies somewhere between vanity and modesty.

And really, it’s a moot point. Because the glare from my mayo white legs will surely blind every poor schmo on the beach unlucky enough to cross my path.

Quick, someone make me a drink.



Filed under Piece of Paradise

27 responses to “There’s a special place in Hell reserved for swimsuit designers.

  1. Never fear! A) You’ll look fantastic so shut up. and B) You’ll be amazed at what will be on that beach, much of it not good. But in a catty way will make you feel better about yourself.

    Have a great time! I’ll just be over here pretending to not be jealous.

  2. Again. Cocktails will be your savior.

  3. pavlovskitty

    I remember once upon a time, I owned (kid you not) a pink polka dot bikini. The last time I wore that thing I was about three months pregnant with my now 13 yo. Sigh. Now I own a one piece with creative rouching to hide the fact that that belly that looked not perfect but pretty cute out in the sun grew a couple people inside and hangs like a great grandmothers chin. What’s even sadder is that my 13 yo had to borrow one of my suits in a pinch, and she looked soooooo much better than I did in it, in my bikini years ago for that matter!

  4. “Hangs like a great grandmother’s chin.”

    OMG THAT is a visual I won’t soon forget.

  5. Boy shorts=BAD All they do is draw attention to cellulite and flab. I know belive me. Enjoy your trip!

  6. aliasmother

    Amen, sister! on the boy shorts. I have been fooled by those before. They always seem like such a good idea (more coverage! no wedgies! so cute!) yet somehow they always go horribly, horribly wrong once they are on.

    My new bathing suit problem is the top area. I tried on my formerly modest top the other day only to discover that breastfeeding has turned it into porn star material. Now I’m that loser swimming around in a t-shirt over my bathing suit.

  7. another co-worker

    Would you like me to raid my stash of valium and vicodin for you? One of those and a mai-tai and you’ll be going to the beach naked.

    Not to make you feel bad but my legs haven’t seen the light of day in about 4 years. No baithing suit is gonna cover up that mess. I look like a shark attacked me. So I guess what I’m saying is you’re lucky to be able to even wear one in public. Nuff said.

  8. Okay, thanks for the reality check bitchslap. You win.

  9. I hate boy shorts; they always give me a wedgie! It ends up looking more like a thong and I’m constantly tugging them out of my ass-crack. I hate swimsuits in general.
    Get a nice sarong or beach kaftan!

  10. Have a wonderful time! I’m sure you’ll look mahvelous!

  11. My friends and I have a joke that we have become the moms who wear “skirts” to the beach. One of our friends has NO belly fat, and NO cellulite. We tolerate her, but won’t sit beside her! It’s a good thing she is so nice!!

    I am sure you will look fabulous. Especially after a few of those fruity drinks 🙂

  12. Oh, the skirt. I can’t believe I actually considered it this year. Sadly I see it in my future.

  13. Having just got back from my very own MILF getaway, I can tell you now that you just have to let it go. Know that there will always be someone skinnier than you, but there will always be someone heavier too! Hehe! No, seriously I am sure you will look fabulous. Have a good time!

  14. Bathing suit? What is that you said… the last time I wore a bathing suit was at water aerobics during my pregnancy. I looked like a big girl then and now it is even worse because there is no excuse.

    I say love it. You have earned every bit of cellulite and anything else that says “I am a Mommy.” And just a reminder – boy shorts are hard to pull off on most people, mothers or not.

    Enjoy your vacay, you will be missed.

  15. boy shorts only look good on boy hips.

    LMAO @ mayo white legs.

    i, too purchased a modest two-piece like the one shown in your post. actually, i purchased two tops and then only wear the one pair of bottoms. the “modest two-piece” is a necessary evil for those of us who have given birth and have yet to get back into triathlete/VS model shape…

  16. White mayo legs? Love it!… That’s coming from a mama who inherited her ancestors Irish white complexion (yeah, I burn easily, too). I still haven’t found the right suit, and I’m not even going to Hawaii… Please post pics when you come back.

    And have SUCH a good time!!

  17. Haha At least you know that your friends are all going through the same swimsuit hell you are experiencing right now.

    Glad you found something!

  18. I absolutely love mens swim trunks – they have so many colors and designs and they always fit perfectly! That way, I don’t have to deal with the belly pooch or the cheese thighs. It just shorts and a tankini top of some sort. Shweet.

  19. Needing a tan is one thing I’ll never stress over. But the way my booty looks in boy shorts? Small children cower in fright. Have a GREAT time!

  20. HA! The tankini is a Mommy’s friend! I envy the girl vacation, but not the swimsuit search. 🙂

  21. Ah, yes. The cabal of the torment that is bathing suit shopping. I blame it on the patriarchy. Someone please enlighten me as to why they insist on installing glaring, megawatt, overhead-mounted fluorescent lights in those dressing rooms? The faster to see you flee?

    MP, I’m sure you will look divine in whatever you settle on. Me, I’m voting for the midnight skinnydip with your galpals– suits optional! (and problem solved…)

    Have a ball. Jealous I am.

  22. I feel your pain, I really do (and am pouring you a huge glass of wine here as I type, which I will gladly drink for you, cause I’m generous like that). Those boy shorts always seem like a good idea but in the end don’t work on anyone but the models, yet again. Glad you found something that will work (love the tankini, which is truly the best top design for both comfort and effect). Enjoy!

  23. sandhyaraman

    I’ve never understood my clothing shops only stock those silly triangle tops. They looked silly even when I was 15, and equally silly at 20. They suit (haha no pun intended) maybe one percent of the population.

  24. I think I feel a cougar adventure coming on. Please please tell us when the 25 yr old cabana boy hits on you and takes you out salsa dancing.

    Bathing suits are for wusses, go naked. 😉

  25. so coincidental that i was swim suit shopping today and was feeling the very same thing: where are the designers for us normal people who are no longer 15? i suspect that you look totally fab in your new suit. i hope you have a great time in Hawaii! enjoy yourself and then tell us all about it!

  26. What bathing suit would Auntie Mame wear? ‘Cause that’s the one I’m buying.

    Also? Please don’t skinny dip at night in the ocean. Sharks feed at night. Skinny dip in the POOL at night. The better to see your cabana boy, anyway. Have a blast! Bring us coconuts! Don’t bring any lava rocks home!

    — Laurie

  27. I think you made some good points in your post.

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