Pass the tranquilizer gun. Mama’s getting on a plane.

Just a few more days and I’ll be soaking up the rays in Hawaii with my five oldest BFFs. The MILFs Gone Wild ’08 Tour.

Whatever. Humor me.

No husbands, no significant others, no children. I should be psyched. I should be dreaming of surf and sand and drinks adorned with pink umbrellas I’ll collect to bring home to MP. I should be counting the minutes because I can’t wait.

Not because I’m FREAKING OUT.

I am, by nature, a worrier. I’ve purposefully pushed the trip from my mind because I knew as my departure drew near, I would start the nauseating downward spiral toward mild panic. The longest I’ve been apart from MP is three nights and that was hard enough. This is a little longer.

I know by the time I finally GET to the island I’ll be okay. And the first few days will be full. But I also know by the third day I’m going to be missing four-year-old declarations of “heavy poops that stretch out the poop hole.” And subsequent four-year-old concerns that if she takes a drink of water it will go right through.

That I’m not a good flyer only makes it worse. Metal detectors are not my friend. When I travel, I wear a hefty silver cross around my neck. And a smaller cross choker. And cross earrings. Back when my job required a fair amount of travel and time spent at airports, co-workers would be all, “Hey, wait for Mommypie. She’s the one carrying the enormous wooden CRUCIFIX on her back. That thing gonna fit on the plane?”

I worry more than anything something will happen to me and I’ll leave MP an orphan. I worry that maybe I’m being selfish and needlessly putting myself at risk by flying over the ocean. I worry something will happen to MP and I’ll be thousands of miles away.

Exhale. Aaannnd breathe.

MP worries that pirates will get me.

Argh. At least we got THAT straightened out.


Filed under Piece of Paradise

34 responses to “Pass the tranquilizer gun. Mama’s getting on a plane.

  1. Oh my goodness Hawaii? Sounds great! Your little one must watch the Backyardigans they are always talking about pirates on that show. I think that you are right once you get to paradise you will be extremely happy.

    Until then, shoulder up, heft that cross and away you go.

  2. You and my friend, Jose, need to spend a little time together. Or, you and my friend, Lorazapam. Seriously girlfriend, you’ll be FINE. Have. Fun. For. All. Of. Us.

  3. I’m so freaking jealous…Golly Ned, I wish I was going. Except for that whole flying thing. It’ll take the first three days of the trip to stop puking. And then I have to return by air. Yeah, not goin’…

  4. lol @ using “pirates” and “argh” in the same breath.

    i have no problem getting on an airplane, but i do stress horribly during the several days preceding my departure date. especially since i haven’t been away from the kids for longer than 4 days either.

    also, you are NOT being selfish. this kind of shit is absolutely necessary for you to remain (semi) sane. in the grand scheme of things, it’s a little blip. when MP’s 16, she’s not gonna be all, “yeah, but remember when you LEFT ME to go to hawaii!!!”

  5. MOFM — I SO need to hear that. Because rationally I KNOW it’s okay to take a break … it just makes me feel better hearing it from someone else. Thanks Doog!

  6. I don’t like to fly either. When I was pregnant I got patted down THREE TIMES in the same trip. I mean wth, I was already flying pregnant which means I did not fit well in the seats and my ankles were swollen and I was tired and cranky so to add insult to injury they search ME? Yeah…

    Enjoy your trip. Pirates only attack boats, not planes. You’ll be fine.

  7. Now I’m worried. The longest I was away from kid#1 was in the hospital having kid#2. Does that count? I didn’t think so.

    What a wonderful trip, though. I’m jealous too. Except for the flying, for which I’d have to be unconscious. I don’t think that would be a problem, though, b/c all on board would beat me after an hour or so of screaming about dying.

    Oh, and poop comment is hilarious and adorable.

  8. another co-worker

    I worry about what’s going to happen to me when you’re not here at work to defend me.

  9. We all worry 🙂 Its our job, but take a day off will ya!?! You lucky mama! Have fun in Hawaii and when you call home, just ask about the poop updates, I’m sure MP will graciously fill you in! 🙂

  10. Sooooo green…how about I go in your place and then there’s no stress?

    Okay okay…Xanax is a good flier!

  11. Don’t stress. Think about the beaches, mai tais, laughing and pigs in the ground. You will have an awesome time and you deserve it!

  12. Do you have a St. Christopher’s medal (patron saint of travlers)? And if you see a pirate that looks like Capt. Jack Sparrow, can you please send him my way? Have a wonderful time. Hawaii is one of my top destinations that I really want to visit.

  13. I just went through the same thing and even left a “last post” if you will, on my blog. I had to drink myself courageous at the LAX La Cholo Cantina which I do NOT recommend. I also took Ativan(?) and promptly stayed AWAKE for the entire turbulent red-eye.

    But somehow, I sense that I’m not making you feel better. Damn it. Next time I’ll try for “tact” instead of “tacky.”

    Enjoy yourself.

  14. I know there must be so many more things to fret about when you are a single parent, but the whole “orphan” thing freaks me out too. Because, honestly, if Husband and I were on the same plane, and Kids were with Grandparents… well, you know the train of thought. This is NOT to make you more anxious, but rather to tell you that I think your worries are completely normal. We ALL have anxieties about leaving our children — at daycare, with a sitter, with family so we can go away. But the thing is that the very best parenting needs a little break now and then. It’s impossible to be on your A game 24/7/365 x 18 years without a little “me” time. You are a fantastic mom, and you deserve a little time to recharge your batteries. MP will have a great time in very familiar circumstances at home, and she will love the grass skirt (or whatever) that you bring home. And you will feel so relaxed after swimming with sea turtles (trust me, it is the most amazing thing I did in Hawaii — peaceful and awe-inspiring) that you will be all rejuvenated for MP. SO. WORTH. IT.

    ((((hugs)))) Have an amazing trip!

  15. I miss my daughter after just 8 hours of being at work! But seriously, I’d pawn her off to anyone that looked decent, so I could get a few days to myself. I don’t remember what it felt like to not have someone clinging to my leg or sitting in my lap every single second.

    Have a GREAT time! MP will probably have a blast and get spoiled the whole time you are gone. And then, when you see each other again, it will be the best moment ever.

  16. I’m so freakin jealous ! Hawaii even!
    Honey, travelin without the kids, even though you miss them is a rejuvenating thing. Yeah, you’ll be a little worried, yeah you’ll tear up when you call home, and then….get yourself out and have great, I mean some GREAT fun! Drop by Bird On A Wire before you go, I’ve got some new posts you haven’t read yet!

  17. Cross, schmoss. You, my friend, need a prescription from Dr. Sue:

    1/2 hour before airport: 1 Xanax
    In terminal before security: 3/4 water bottle of white wine.
    = panic free flying. I am so not kidding.

  18. Thanks Happy Hour Sue, I’m gonna need that in a few months.

    Mommy Pie: You’ve got all the Doogs sending you happy, peaceful, panic-free thoughts. It’s going to be great. You’ll have a fantab time and come back home to a happy, healthy MP!

  19. aliasmother

    I am loving the visual of you trudging through the airport covered in crosses like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, flinging holy water over your head repeatedly while muttering the Lord’s Prayer. Good times!

    Ditto everything that’s been said above. Breaks are good. Adult conversations are good. Remembering that you are a separate person who deserves a little life of your own is reeeeeally good.

  20. Lol don’t worry! Captain Jack will save you from the ocean and take you to a desert island where you can drink rum all day long…oh wait, isnt that what you’re going to do already?

    Have fun and “WoooSAAAAH”

    I forget which movie thats from.

  21. Oooh Captain Jack can show me his peg leg ANY day. I should BE so lucky!

  22. Hawaii? Jealous.

    The first time hubby and I left our daughter, we told her SHE was going on vacation – at Grandma’s. My wonderful MIL took pictures of her every day and put them in an album for her. When we arrived to pick her up, she couldn’t wait to show us the pictures of HER vacation!!

    I know it’s hard to leave, but you will come back refreshed and ready to face the world once again 🙂

  23. bikerchicky

    Awwww, you gonna have a good ol’ time! Not to worry– when you get back you can resume stressing all over again in the same place. Stress is generous like that; doesn’t like to get the short end of the stick.

    As for your end, I recommend trying every frou-frou drink in alphabetical order, then in reverse order. Please let us know if that may work just a teensy. I leave you with this:

    “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” — Mark Twain

  24. {{{HUGS}}} You will be floating on our positive thoughts, prayers, and jealousy. 😉

    MP will be okay. Nothing but wonderful things will happen to you on your trip. Hopefully you will met a dashing rogue who’s into consensual rape, pillage and plunder. Then you will have a joyous and present filled reunion with MP, family and friends. Not to mention writing all about it on your wonderful blog so that we can sigh along with you at the memory of that fantastic trip!

    Have a great time for all of us! HUGS!

  25. Oh yeah, and what’s with kids and “scratchy poops”? My kids call it that, too. Huhh. Something to think about.

  26. Get to Walgreen’s to buy some Compound W to rid yourself of that worry wart.

    Have a mai tai for me, babe. I’ll be doing nothing that fun for my 40th in September.

  27. One word: Shots. Do some on the plane and you will be fine. I am a worry wort too, but it’s amazing what a little vodka will do! Have a fabulous time!!!

  28. Have fun woman!!! We will miss you! I am SOOOOOOOO jealous by the way.

  29. Bright side? At least you’ll be safe from vampires. And sin.

  30. Ah girlfriend, I understand. This past December when hubby and I went to Acapulco, it was the longest I’d ever been away from my kids.

    I hadn’t been away from my kids longer than 5 hours, unless they were with hubby. FIVE HOURS!!! and never over night.

    This trip to Acapulco was huge for me because my oldest was almost 10. That’s how long it’s been. They’d never even stayed overnight at grandma’s.

    I had a DAMN good time. I’m not sure if I was even sober for a minute. I even went bungi jumping, in Mexico!!! eeeesh

  31. Uh-oh. I’ve had a heavy poop recently. Should I refrain from drinking anything for a while?

    Actually, I’ve been to Hawaii with girlfriends + alcohol before (not post-children, but one can only hope), and if I remember correctly, you’ll be jonesing for some intelligent 4-year-old conversation by the end of the week.

    Have a WONDERFUL time. : )

  32. You can tell MP that the Navy is in Hawaii to keep the Pirates away.

    I’m not Catholic, but for some reason, I still say the “Hail Mary” every time I get on a plane for landing and take-off. Every. Time. Without fail. So, I am hearing you on the crucifix thing. Especially when I was coming back from Bahrain, and we were told because of “engine issues” we “were not allowed to fly over open water” so we had to take a longer way back. That made me feel sooooo comfortable. But rest assured, the civilian planes are better. And the plane has to be OK to fly over open seas. 🙂 have fun!

  33. Pingback: » Blog Archive » Monster on My Wing

  34. To all greetings!
    I represent an interesting blog on tranquilizers

    Tranquillizers (anxiolytics, ataractics)

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