The past week, I’ve been convinced I had bugs. An unbearably itchy rash had broken out on my arms, and the first few days, I thought nothing of it. Then I consulted Boyfriend Web MD.
And I FREAKED OUT. The parasitic possibilities were endless. And considering MP spends all day with booger-eaters and then sleeps with me in my bed, the very plausible idea she could’ve given me bugs has literally kept me up at night.
I washed the sheets. I checked the mattress seams. I Febreezed.
Finally, yesterday, on the verge of a full-body Clorox Dip, I made an appointment with the doctor. He turned out to be new on staff. He was kinda hot. And wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Which really made no difference, because if my suspicions were correct, I would be effectively humiliated and unable to set foot in his office ever again.
Dr. Man: So tell me why you’re here.
Me: I have this ITCHING … on my arms. Normally I wouldn’t be here for a rash, but I looked it up on Web MD and kinda freaked myself out.
Dr. Man: Mmm hmm. Good. And what do YOU think it is?
Me: Uh … I don’t know … I was afraid … (oh, the hahra) … scabies?
(Dr. Man emits nearly imperceptible sucking sound and subtly backs up.)
Dr. Man: Well, it could be. Let’s see.
(I roll up my sleeves)
Me: Do you see those bumps?
Dr. Man: Mmm hmm.
Me: They’re just getting worse.
Dr. Man: I don’t think it’s scabies.
Me: Don’t you have to do a scraping and look at it under the microscope?
Dr. Man: If I thought it was scabies, but I don’t.
Me: Body lice?
Dr. Man: No. You don’t have body lice.
(Gets up, walks across hall to his office and returns with medical encyclopedia — not unlike the kind kids everywhere secretly spend hours looking though. Remember the ‘staple in eyeball’ photo? Or the ‘foot caught in lawnmower’ pic? No? Oh, I do. Ew.)
Dr. Man: See, this is scabies (pointing to photographs under the SCABIES header). That’s not what you have.
He turns the page, holding the book so I can see what he’s reading. I now see the scabies info is located adjacent to a page dedicated to some kind of funky scrotal skin condition. BIG full color photos of hairy buggy ballsacks. Beautiful.
After more reassurance from Dr. Man there was nothing actively burrowing under my skin, I was armed with a scrip for anti-itch lotion and sent on my way.
Breathing a sigh of relief.
THANK YOU JESUS — in this case, a rash really IS just a rash.