Not burning the mattress … yet.

The past week, I’ve been convinced I had bugs. An unbearably itchy rash had broken out on my arms, and the first few days, I thought nothing of it. Then I consulted Boyfriend Web MD.

And I FREAKED OUT. The parasitic possibilities were endless. And considering MP spends all day with booger-eaters and then sleeps with me in my bed, the very plausible idea she could’ve given me bugs has literally kept me up at night.

I washed the sheets. I checked the mattress seams. I Febreezed.

Finally, yesterday, on the verge of a full-body Clorox Dip, I made an appointment with the doctor. He turned out to be new on staff. He was kinda hot. And wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Which really made no difference, because if my suspicions were correct, I would be effectively humiliated and unable to set foot in his office ever again.

Dr. Man: So tell me why you’re here.

Me: I have this ITCHING … on my arms. Normally I wouldn’t be here for a rash, but I looked it up on Web MD and kinda freaked myself out.

Dr. Man: Mmm hmm. Good. And what do YOU think it is?

Me: Uh … I don’t know … I was afraid … (oh, the hahra) … scabies?

(Dr. Man emits nearly imperceptible sucking sound and subtly backs up.)

Dr. Man: Well, it could be. Let’s see.

(I roll up my sleeves)

Me: Do you see those bumps?

Dr. Man: Mmm hmm.

Me: They’re just getting worse.

Dr. Man: I don’t think it’s scabies.

Me: Don’t you have to do a scraping and look at it under the microscope?

Dr. Man: If I thought it was scabies, but I don’t.

Me: Body lice?

Dr. Man: No. You don’t have body lice.

(Gets up, walks across hall to his office and returns with medical encyclopedia — not unlike the kind kids everywhere secretly spend hours looking though. Remember the ‘staple in eyeball’ photo? Or the ‘foot caught in lawnmower’ pic? No? Oh, I do. Ew.)

Dr. Man: See, this is scabies (pointing to photographs under the SCABIES header). That’s not what you have.

He turns the page, holding the book so I can see what he’s reading. I now see the scabies info is located adjacent to a page dedicated to some kind of funky scrotal skin condition. BIG full color photos of hairy buggy ballsacks. Beautiful.

After more reassurance from Dr. Man there was nothing actively burrowing under my skin, I was armed with a scrip for anti-itch lotion and sent on my way.

Breathing a sigh of relief.

THANK YOU JESUS — in this case, a rash really IS just a rash.


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27 responses to “Not burning the mattress … yet.

  1. We caught scabies once, pre children. Somehow we picked it up from the 8ball tables at the pub. One all over cream treatment and it went away nicely.

  2. MommyTime

    Well, now he knows you are a) a clean person and b) a self-diagnoser who will likely come back to see him sometime with other fun theories. Could be the start of some hilarious banter. Or not. Depending on his sense of humor. Here’s hoping the itching goes away!

  3. before my allergies were diagnosed i used to go to my dr’s office every two weeks bec i would get really sick. there was a medical tech who would take samples of my blood for testing and he was VERY HOT w a VERY HOT name, Derek. how can a girl maintain some sort of dignity while he’s combing the inside of throat for culture? thank god i’m married. which is just my way of saying ,wear a low cut top next time!

  4. What do YOU think it is–LOL! The first time I saw a cute doctor where I used to go to school I had a rash on my leg. I was sure it was skin cancer. It was athlete’s foot on my leg. Yeah, that was pretty cute.

  5. another co-worker

    Oh Mommy Pie, how you make me giggle. Last week is was the heart attack-turned indigestion and this week you have bugs. I suggest going to a psychologist to check out where the problem REALLY lies.

  6. My brother swore he had bedbugs… even went out and bought one of those home test kits where you take a sample and send it off to a lab.

    He threw out his sheets and was shopping for a new mattress… 4 weeks later he got his results back and found out that he was wrong.

    We’re still laughing at him. It too was just a rash.

  7. KD

    My surgeon for my Gall Bladder surgery was hot. The first time I met him I was under morphine sedation and I was pumping to keep up my supply while I was at the hospital. Yes I was actually hooked up to the big ole hospital breast pump. Nothin’ says sexy like being milked with mascara from the day before smeared under your eyes.

    Glad you don’t have scabies.

  8. Jill — That would SO have been me in a few days.

    KD — You win the hot doctor story award. Those hospital pumps — I know I’VE never felt sexier than when hooked up.

  9. BIG full color photos of hairy buggy ballsacks.

    That was a total come on if I’ve ever heard one. He sooo wants you.

    My plastic surgeon was pretty hot too. Sadly there’s nothing sexy about a man lifting up your elephantitis stomach flab and marking you with a sharpie before he cuts you open as if slaughtering a cow.

  10. Ack cack! Scabies…enter it in google and my site comes up pretty often. We’ve never had it, but i mentioned it once.

    Having psoriasis myself, the older kids have keratosis and baby K has eczema, so we itch all the time and I have WebMD’ed so many times I’ve wanted to live in a clorox bubble.

    Hydrocortisone…or some other …’sone’ steroid med…always the first step.

  11. Okay. So why didn’t you ask him out? Offer to show him the town. Send him a thank you card with an offer for dinner, or – host a party and invite him! DO IT!

    I had scabies when I was a kid – you can actually see the bumps turning into trails as they go further up your arm.

  12. Oh MSM, you’re SO much better at that than I am. *sigh*

    And thanks for the heads up on the scabies tracks — don’t have THOSE, so all’s good.

  13. He’s hot for you. Let’s look at this logically. He’s male. You’re Mommy Pie. Questions? Anyone? I didn’t think so. Reminds me of having poison ivy so bad I wanted to die. A good antihistamine saved the day. It’s embarrassing to share where, and how, I caught the poison ivy but you can let your imaginations run wild.

  14. PP — I can only imagine. Guessing it’s NOT hairy buggy ballsack.

  15. Goodness me. What a way to meet a new, hot doctor. By looking at scrotal conditions.

  16. another co-worker

    Yet again, note that the sun is shining in Asshat today.

    P.S. I’d be happy to introduce you to some single doctors. But that would mean you’d have to come OUT with me.

  17. honeywine

    See now…I’m just devious enough to reinvent the “the cream didn’t work…can I see the hotdoc again?” excuse. Of course, that means not using the cream. Tough call…

  18. okay, *so much* of this made me laugh, but the “remember the ‘staple in the eyeball’… ‘foot caught in lawnmower’…”
    well, that had me ROFL!

    congrats on the no-scabies thing. rockin’.

  19. I’m not allowed to access WebMD anymore. I mean, literally. My husband figured out a way to block it so I couldn’t get to it. I could probably figure out a way to get around it if I was determined enough, but it’s probably for the best.

    I’m banned for the same reason I’ve been banned from shows like Dateline and 20/20. I become a font of horrifying information, absolutely convinced that whatever I see is going to happen to me. To this day whenever we’re on the road I point out all of the trucks carrying loads I feel are not propery tied down, and I insist that he change lanes immediately.

    I actually think I’m more likely to be killed by his glare than a flying piece of lumber off the nearest truck.

    So my point is, stay off the WebMD. Take two Dr. Man “mmm hmms” and call me in the morning.

  20. I’m not sure whether this made me itch or laugh more…but then much like just thinking about vomit makes me gag, hearing about someone’s rash makes me itch.

    Just the same as Bejewell, I am banished from WebMD by the hubby. I used to look EVERYTHING under the sun up…

    I have this bump on my arm, it MUST be a blood clot.

    I have a horrible headache, it MUST be a brain tumour.

    I have a slightly discoloured freckle, it MUST be skin cancer.

    See where I’m going with this. No good comes from WebMd…not around Casa Barking Mad anyhow.

  21. littlemansmom

    Ok…so when the rash is gone, you totally get to go back, tell him he’s a miracle worker and ask him out for dinner…you are now, after all, rash free (wink wink)…

  22. Oh my gosh, that reminds me.

    Today at Trader Joe’s my cashier showed me all these pics of horrifying injuries on his iPhone from his 2nd job at a trauma clinic.

    I was like, “weirdo!” But looked at every picture as he bagged my groceries.

    I didn’t see scabies or bed bugs. Just dismemberments and jagged gashes.

    What was the original question?

  23. That’s like the medical book I was talking about! The one when I was a kid! ALL horrifying injuries. You can’t help but look.

  24. “I now see the scabies info is located adjacent to a page dedicated to some kind of funky scrotal skin condition. BIG full color photos of hairy buggy ballsacks. Beautiful.”

    That made me laugh. Wonderful.

  25. I’m pretty sure that Harry Buggy Balzac won the Oscar for Best Original Song a few years ago.

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