Nog Duts. The post in which I lose a few readers.

I’m feeling a bit of the parent-of-an-only-child guilt. MP’s lonely. And the number of times she’s expressed wanting a companion is heartbreaking.

So, I’m thinking about getting her a dog. Been thinking about it for awhile, actually.

It’s not that easy, though. Because of her asthma and allergies, our selection is pretty limited. My personal criteria narrows the choices even more. Put it all together, it spells:

No barkers.

No biters.

No yippers.

No lickers.

No shedders.

No jumpers.

And no males. Because if I had to narrow my requirements down to two things …


I do not want them in the house.
I do not want them on the couch.

I will not have them on my bed.
I will not have them near my head.

I will not eat them in a box.
I will not eat them with a fox.
Wait. That’s not right.

I do not want to look at dog nuts.
(Nor do I want to look at dog BUTTS.
Which is why I’d NEVER have a Pug.

In a nutsack nutshell, I don’t want those things swingin’ around the Pie House. And if I’m being honest, which clearly I AM, it’s really the whole junkage that’s an issue. The whole <insert one jazz hand> area. It’s straight up p*rnographic. (See how I did that? Try to find me NOW, Google Pervs.)

Especially on the larger breeds. Great Dane? Super!! While we’re at it, let’s get a baboon with a big ‘ole ‘roid butt and call it a day. I always did want a monkey.

At least they wear diapers.


It’s hopeless.

More and more, I’m seriously thinking …



Filed under Bits and Pieces

31 responses to “Nog Duts. The post in which I lose a few readers.

  1. jp

    Mini ,short haired, female dachshund! Loyal. loving, non-shedding, LOVE their people and best of all…………………small poops!

    Very important!

  2. Simple! Get a short-haired, non-shedding cat, keep it’s claws trimmed and either get a female, or neuter a male. My other half wanted a dog desperately, but due to my hatred of things that bark, bite, waggle their tongues/tails/balls at me… We’ve ended up with a cat. A cat who now, by the way, the other half has taught to play ‘fetch’.. Just like a sodding dog.

  3. We have a shih-tzu, non shedding and loves children. But I have to tell ya, getting a dog is like having another kid. At least you can get someone to watch your kid, no one wants the dog !!

  4. sparklingmama

    I have 2 daughters and my 4 year old still insists that she is lonely and has no one to play with!

    My kids are constantly begging for a dog. I’ve told them that we can get one when they’re 10 — I’m hoping that maybe by then they won’t want one?

  5. So it’s not just an only child thing? Thank you, thank you for this Sparkling Mama!

  6. Liz

    OMG…this was just the laugh I needed on that back-to-work-after-a-holiday-weekend morning.

    Love it!

  7. littlemansmom

    Hilarious!!!!! Dr. Suess has NOTHIN’ on you honey! LOL….

  8. KD

    I have a non shedding dog. I am actually about to blog about her–again. She is 17lbs of craziness. You can have her. I will tell Caspian and the kids she jumped the fence (again) and I couldn’t find her. Just let me know where to ship her.


    PS did you call the dr about your “heart attack” yet?

  9. KD — you have a terrier, right? That’s totally the dog I wanted until I researched it a bit and found out how HYPER they are. You got your hands full sista.

    And thanks for the dr. reminder — I’m calling today!

  10. OMG you are Seussin’ funny! Love it.

    Get a fish.

  11. Deb

    I got a fish.
    But she’s bulimic and near death, so it might not work out for you.

    I’m very similar in taste when it comes to dogs. I love them, but dog butts and balls and hair disturb me when they’re in my home too long.

    Aren’t Australian Shepherds dogs with minimum hair?

    I don’t know.

    And please bring MP and you to San Diego. I’m about ready to do the zoo, Sea World and Legoland again and Toots would love her!

  12. Deb — See? Twins.

    It would be a blast to get MP and Toots together!

  13. OMG, this is priceless. I’m with the kitty people. We have a dog and a cat but wouldn’t recommend the breed we love (Giant Schnauzer) as it can be a little high maintenance at times. Rarely, almost never, but it’s really not a breed for a little one because for a period of time, it would be bigger than MP!

  14. What about a labradoodle. Despite the ridiculous breed name, I’ve heard they don’t shed.

  15. I’m with sparklingmama — my older daughter asks about four times a year for a baby brother. Haven’t quite dropped the news that Daddy is out of commission in the baby-making department (THANK GAHHHD). I think you could have four or five kids and they’d still not be happy.

    Chinchilla? They’re nocturnal, just like Mommypie.

  16. All Adither — Labradoodle is actually on the allergy approved list, I think. They ARE awfully cute …

    Foolery — Seriously, this makes me feel WAY less guilty. And a chinchilla could be interesting — saw one the other day at PetSmart. With it’s sleep schedule, at least I’d have someone keeping ME company — ha!

  17. Cats scratch and I don’t care how short the hair is, it gets all over – yuck! I have a female standard dachshund. I love her, but she barks – A LOT. Other then that she’s great. My oldest brought home a stray mix recently, and I despise her (the dog). Sorta. At one time we had five fish, three fire-belly toads, tons live crickets to feed to the toads, three hermit crabs and the dog. Guess who was taking care of them all? I say, get MP a hamster to start with and then upgrade later. Oh, btw, rabbit pooh and pee stink. Just a thought.

  18. As someone who has a dog, has had a cat, and has two tanks of fish, I will say that fish — though seemingly easy — are surprisingly a pain in the neck. Also, while beautiful, they fail miserably in the cuddly department, unless you are planning to get a 250 gallon tank and a snorkel for MP.

    We have a Rhodesian Ridgeback — a great family dog. They shed but very little, and the hairs are very small and short (no fluff). I am allergic to lots of dogs but not them. They almost never bark, and when they do, it means you have an intruder in your yard at 3am. So at that point, you say “thanks” instead of cursing them and throwing a shoe. They do need regular exercise, but unlike some “high energy” breeds, they prefer to sleep while indoors. They can be chewers, though, so if you opt for one, go for a puppy rather than a rescue dog whose background you don’t know.

    Or get a rabbit.

    Or wait a few years and get a horse. They definitely never yap or bark. And MP will love you forever and ever and ever if you fulfill her horsey dreams at the age of nine.

  19. MT….you should TOTALLY get a Goldendoodle! They are hypoallergenic and awesomely intelligent.

    Ok, so I’m just NOW getting around to liking him. Seriously, I didn’t realize that I DO NOT LIKE PUPPIES until we got him. And yeah, ok, he kinda smells like ass right now (but maybe thanks to KD _ who is one of my close friends by the way, and her suggestions, maybe we can de-assify him – oh and her son B is gonna marry the little imp and spare me having to pay some naive fool), and sometimes he can get a little excited – but really he’s a great dog. He’s quite grown on me and I’m just chuffed to bits.


    He does not make me itch!!!!!! At all. Or sneeze.

    Ok, so he occasionally makes me want to stick a hot poker in his eye, but really that’s pretty small compared to all the laughs he brings us.

    Oh, and just for you, I’ll put some new photos out on the blog so you can take a look. He’s quite adorable and we get so much attention when we have him out. Oh lordy.

    BTW…..I’ve missed your blog something wicked. Having a teenager has sort of precluded me from having any sort of a life lately….now that we have survived prom, all we have to do is survive graduation!

  20. My vote? Get a cat. 😀

  21. Jen

    I’m joining the cat bandwagon. I could never own a dog. They do way too many annoying things, but the top of the list is waking you up to go outside to use the bathroom–unacceptable. The kids have given up asking. They now talk about the dogs they will have when they grow up and have their own house.

  22. Hilarious. You made Dr. Seuss proud!

  23. That’s why we have a cat. One. Cat. Named Alice.

  24. Yeah – get a cat. Trust me, I tried a dog. Male or female, it’s just too much for us single moms to handle.

    At first, I loved it. And then, the dog started waking me up before Benjamin did, so he could go out and do his business. No way – don’t do it.

    I feel for you on the only child thing … I make sure Benjamin sees my best friend’s daughter, Sydney at least twice a week. That helps…but he’s only two – so, still not as tough.

    Can you meet other mommies in the area? Get any other close friends for her?

    Good luck!

    And tell those Capessa jokers to put a link to your real blog on there. Just sayin’ …

  25. If you can find a dog that suits your family, ie allergies, go for it.

    Such a great experience, any pet for that matter is. And it’s definitely not an only child thing.

    There’s just something about a pet.

  26. i get the only child guilties too. maybe you should reconsider your ball aversion. ’cause after all, there is the schweaty kind.

  27. And the bigger the dog the swingier the balls.

  28. Hilarious. I feel the same way about balls. We had a lab once that I felt uncomfortable around–like I should have gotten him boxers.

  29. pavlovskitty

    We have a cat, though he’s a shedder. He’s an occasional scratcher, but he’s got a couple special places for that which do not include my couch or my body. However, no nuts. Took care of that one quickly.

  30. I LOVE this!! Finally backtracking and catching up with the lovely you.

    When the boyfriend and I split up one year+ ago, I went out and got a cat. I let the kid pick her out at the shelter, this tiny gray fluffball.

    She’s the sibling around here for sure. I get you!

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