It’s Orange and Gives You Superhero Eyesight

mpcarrothd_opt.jpgWhile in the produce section at the grocery store this past weekend, I grabbed some squash and made the mistake of thinking out loud, saying we should get some for dinner.

“No, no, no, no, no …” MP says, waving her hands in protest. “No squash!”

“You don’t have to eat it – you can eat carrots instead.”

(pause)

“Mommy, what’s a carrot?”

A nearby shopper glances my way.

“What’s a carrot? You’re silly,” I chuckle a bit self-consciously, loud enough for said shopper to hear. “You know what a carrot is.”

MP grins just enough for me and no one else to see. BALLS.* She knows she has an audience.

“Mommy, what’s a carrrr-ot?” (Volume UP.) I swear she SMELLS the sweat beading under my hairline.

Three additional shoppers look disapprovingly our way. One actually sneers. SNEERS. I’m fully aware how disgusted they are to hear that a four-year-old child has never seen a carrot.

“Is THAT a carrrr-ot?” she says, pointing to a head of cauliflower.

I smile. And look for the nearest exit.

“Hey, can I have some Froola Hoops? Pleeeeeese? Grammy let me have them for dinner the other night when you were worrrrking.”

Excellent.

“Pleeeeeeese??”

Skip ahead to dinner last night. Without ceremony, I place a side of squash in front of her, hoping to slide that one right on by with the main course. (Because we always eat seven. Courses.)

“No, no, NO! No squash! How many times have I told you?” Gesticulating dramatically.

“I don’t know. How many?”

Fif-TEEN.”

And there it is. Expertly executed role reversal.

Impressive, but here’s the real talent. Out of nowhere, a plastic food product is produced and thrust at me.

“I COMMAND YOU to eat this sausage.”

The Amazing MP, ladies and gentlemen. Comedian. Magician. Master of Misdirection.

*BALLS. My new favorite expression. Somehow, it’s perfect in every way. And it makes me laugh. So, you’ve been warned. Expect to see BALLS flying around from here on out. (See what I mean? How funny is that image? BAHAHA! There’s that 11-year-old boy again …)

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14 Comments

Filed under Party Piece, Thrilled to Pieces

14 responses to “It’s Orange and Gives You Superhero Eyesight

  1. Oh she’s a clever girl my dear. Good luck with that.

    And on that note, you’ve been tagged sucka!

    http://pjmomma.wordpress.com/2008/04/10/nicedeb-tagged-me-and-i-dont-tell-nicedeb-no/

    I had to do it to one of my favorite mommy’s cuz I know you’ll have something interesting to say.

  2. Oh and please don’t feel pressured to do it if you don’t want to, k? I always hate those email forwards I get 10 times a day where it starts out……what time did you start writing this? What’s your favorite meal?

    I just knew you’d have a great 6 words that’s why I picked you, but no pressure…… 🙂 really, seriously, no pressure……did I mention no pressure?

  3. Are you kidding? I’m lovin’ it – you gave me something to write about this weekend! Thanks PJM!

  4. This is hilarious! She is incredibly smart (which you no doubt already know) — but the planning, with the sausage and everything?? Wow. Im-pressive.

  5. Ho — lee — COW. What a master. That deserves an equally dastardly response. Like making her eat carrots five nights out of the next seven so she gets a really good sense of what carrots are.

    “Wanna ask me in the grocery store what BEETS are, honey? Go on — do it.”

  6. BALLS. Why didn’t I think of that?!? Genius.

  7. Oh I love it. Precocious to the max. I can picture it myself.

  8. That was some pretty funny stuff. But hands down, my favorite part of the whole post was BALLS.

    You have just started a new trend in the blogosphere.

  9. Oh, you need to watch that one. Very. Closely. She’s got your number.

  10. Deb

    Not only are we a lot alike, so are our daughters.

    I’m thinking if we ever get in the same room together, the sameness will confuse the universe and cause it to explode.

    Your doppelganger,
    Deb

  11. scary I say…the kid is scary

  12. I love that other shoppers were bothered. Bitches. I may never hate people as much as when I am grocery shopping. It brings out everyone’s worst characteristics–or just brings out their true selves. My problem is that I always say something. I’m never the one who just quietly walks away, *thinking* ‘what a bitch.’

  13. PattyAnn

    Hi!
    Anybody remember Captain Kangaroo?

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