‘Til Death Do I Part

I own three bridesmaid dresses. I’ve been to countless wedding ceremonies. I’ve happily purchased hundreds of dollars worth of gifts for my friends’ celebratory passages into traditional family life.

Most of those unions have lasted. Some have not.

With my 40th coming up in just a few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about about time, and fate, and the very different, and sometimes unexpected, paths our lives all take.

However I got here, this is my life. I embrace it wholeheartedly. And I wonder, where’s the ceremony for singles who have found in themselves the one they’ve been looking for all along? What about the ones who, for better or worse, never do marry another?

I’d like to think that someday I will find someone to have and to hold. I do hope so. (Especially after getting to know so many of you married mamas through your blogs.) But, what if I don’t? It doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Because I’m happy. I actually want what I have. And although occasionally, I do pine for little things here and there, in reality, I know all I need is family. No matter what shape it takes.

Hell, I may just wind up marrying myself.

I’d certainly never be accused of marrying for money. And there’s no one who’d love MP more. I’d never cheat on myself, and I’d never have to worry about divorce. I wouldn’t have a choice but to work through the hard times.

Not only would it symbolically celebrate my love affair with my daughter, it would serve as a reminder of my commitment to giving myself what I would give to a spouse. Love, time and respect.

I’ve got it all worked out.

1. THE PROPOSAL
Executed flawlessly. Because I’m a mind reader, I’d know exactly how I’d always imagined it. Definitely a story worth telling over and over.

And over.

And over.

It was so incredibly romantic … I was at dinner, and during dessert, I got down on one knee, and in front of a roomful of people, declared my love for myself, and asked me to marry me. Total shock. I had NO idea it was coming!

2. THE ENGAGEMENT
Then, the announcement in the local paper. (Is it just me or is this oddly disturbing? Not to break the mojo I got goin’, but it’s kinda givin’ me the heebs. I’d delete it altogether, but don’t have the heart, considering the countless minutes that went into it … I digress.)

3. THE SHOWER
Bring on the swag! I could use some nice Cephalon.

4. THE PARTY
After a short plane trip, I’d meet up with my best girls in Vegas for the bachelorette party. We’d party ’til dawn and I’d flirt with sailor boys on my last night of freedom. More than likely, I’d wind up dirty dancing with someone named Raoul. Which is unfortunate.

How do you like my multi-colored hair extensions? They only lasted a few hours.

Somewhere between the pic above and me waking up with an ‘Official Tattoo Inspector’ t-shirt, this happened.

Original photo borrowed from these guys.

I’m guessing the storm troopers flanking me are aforementioned sailor boys? It’s all a bit hazy. My friends are no help.

Not only did I lose a few pounds, apparently I picked up a shiny new belly tat to go with the shirt.

5. THE WEDDING
And after all that, of course, the big day.

Original photo borrowed from these guys.

There would be my beautiful MP in pale pink taffeta, standing by my side. Next to her, three bridesmaids — one for each lovely dress in my closet. (‘Memba those dresses waaaaay back at the beginning?) Lovely dresses which will now [gleefully] be returned their lovely rightful owners. One Wild West prostitute decked out in hot pink satin and black lace; one long drab olive remnant of the Pearl Jam years; and a little slinky black velvet number no one (including myself) will be able to fit into.

And following the vows …

I take me, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, from this day forward, ’til death do I part.

… an amazing reception complete with dinner, drinks and a Dollar Dance. Bobo would spend the night shamelessly hitting on my friends. Uncle Pauly would play bartender and general all-around bad influence. (He’s a new dad with another on the way. He doesn’t get out much. You know how it goes.) Grammy and Poppy would call it an early night and be home in bed by 10.

And me? After tossing the bouquet, I’d hop in the Jeep and ride off into the sunset with MP cheering from her carseat.

And we’d live happily ever after.

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35 Comments

Filed under At Piece with Yourself

35 responses to “‘Til Death Do I Part

  1. Deb

    The engagement photo/announcement alone got me, then you had to go and pile on the rest of the hilarity!

    Plus! I’m reading this at 4AM. A problem when you want to laugh loudly!

  2. And just think of the awesome anniversary gifts you’ll get. hehe.
    Great pictures!

  3. I hope you and you will be very happy!

    And that’s a very good thing. Most married people aren’t content with just who they are. You’re way ahead of most of the world!

    Go hug yourself. You deserve it.

  4. sparklingmama

    They say the key to happiness is being happy with yourself! :)

  5. Todd

    Too funny! I just love your writing.

  6. OH – MY – GAWD!!! That was freakin’ HIL-AR-I-OUS!!! I can’t even stand it! The announcement REALLY got me – and the rest is too much!

    Marriage – shmarriage – I’m sure other married folks would agree, the grass is so far from being green on our side.

    Did you see the Sex in the City where I think Carrie was throwing herself or wanted to throw herself an un-engagement party or something. It was pretty good.

    I think you should totally have one – I’d totally throw you an un-bacholorette party in Vegas…

  7. Very funny! I’m right there with you!

  8. Teehee! Too funny.
    You know, in all seriousness, I wish more people would realize that being single is OK and is a CHOICE and can be done. People are HAPPY AND SINGLE and there is nothing wrong with it. I wish my sister would realize it, instead of making one disastrous relationship mistake after another and now getting divorced. Sigh.
    Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I’m married. I’m marriage material. Some people just aren’t…

  9. Marianne

    Congratulations! I wish you many happy years. (And thanks for stopping by today.)

  10. Funny. Congrats on the wedding. Nothing wrong with being single, btw. I am 40 and single. With 3 kids. No, I don’t think I’ll ever get married. :)

  11. LOLOLOL….Get me in trouble with my boss for laughing! Thanks a lot! I’ll be looking for a new job tomorrow!

    “What are you laughing about?”
    “Oh nothing…Im just having a party in my head.”

  12. Pie pie had me laughing so hard. Maybe it’s because I’m going crazy watching Popeye the movie with Robin William for the 80 gajillionth time, or perhaps it’s cuz it was just freaking funny.

    You’re pretty hot. I find it hard to believe the boys aren’t lining up outside your door.

  13. Hey thanks PJ Momma – smoke and mirrors, smoke and mirrors … All in the way you work the stormtrooper uni.

  14. That was HYlarious! When I saw the picture, I think: “Is she marrying her sister?” What the heck? Gross! Yeah, I’m slow on the uptake most times. :)

    Thanks for checking out my blog!

  15. TXMommy

    I’ve often wondered why single people couldn’t have gift registries for birthdays, christmas, etc. I mean – everyone else gets to do it for weddings, new babies, bar mitzvahs.

  16. I hope you and yourself are very happy together. At least you know you’ll be so good at reading each other’s minds that you’ll almost NEVER have arguments about misunderstood expectations. And you’ll never forget each other’s birthday. This sounds great.

    Also, whenever you’re feeling blue, you can compliment each other like crazy on your Photoshopping skills!

  17. I am LOVING the engagement picture! (It may actually make mine seem normal.) Do you think you and yourself might do a James Bond-esque pose? I’m keeping my fingers crossed!!

  18. McMommy – Thanks to your post, you have no idea how hard I searched for a 007 pose – thought about stealing yours, but decided it just wouldn’t be right. :)

  19. Awesome. Great idea go for it. Can I come to the bachlorette party even if I cant spell it

  20. oh my gosh…that was hilarious!!

    now i have to find the spray air stuff to clean off my keyboard!

  21. That is just fantastic!

    So many times I’ve thought I could use a wife myself, but I never thought that wife could BE my self.

    Finally someone in the house would do things my way LOL!

    MCmommy’s Bond girl pic would’ve been good. :)

  22. This is rockin funny! :) Although the engagement pic . . . kinda weird. :) In a good way.

  23. Too true! The pics are hilarious!

  24. LOVE it. Although there is something seriously disturbing about that Storm Trooper photo.

    BTW, did you see the Sex & The City episode where Carrie registers for bridal gifts b/c she’s marrying herself to make a point??

  25. I thought I’d seen all the Sex & The City episodes – can’t believe I don’t remember THAT one! Restless Housewife mentioned it too. Somehow, I gotta find it …

  26. I’m so glad you found yourself and I wish you many happy years together. Not to be a downer, but it didn’t work out for me and mine; we fought loudly all the time in public and I cheated on myself.

    I wish I’d had the fish because the chicken was dry.

    Congrats!

    p.s. That was brilliant, by the way. : )

  27. This was outrageously brilliant! What a great way to start my day. Good idea-because no man will ever appreciate you, like YOU will! :)

  28. LOVE IT! Oh my god. This is the best!

  29. Ms. Single Mama just sent me here… I’m smiling. I agree: brilliant. Love it!

  30. sometimesispill

    LOVE this. Before I even read it, I was thinking that (as a single woman turning 36 next month with no interesting man prospects on the horizon)I should register at Crate & Barrel and throw myself a party!

  31. This totally reminds me of the Sex and the City episode… Too cute and if you want to register for gifts you should!

  32. Hi there, so glad they posted this on Blognosh, otherwise I never would have seen it.

    My heartfelt congratulations to you… and you.

  33. Pingback: ‘Til Death Do I Part - Blog Nosh Magazine

  34. Pingback: The impermanence of it all. « Mommy Pie

  35. Pingback: This I know is true. « Mommy Pie

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