Monthly Archives: February 2008

The Worst Mom in the World

I am the worst mom ever.


We’ve gotten into a little weekend routine here at the Pie House that lately, I have to admit, has left me feeling a bit ashamed. MP wakes up around 8 a.m., at which time I get up, hose her off in the tub (not quite gettin’ the whole ‘making it through the night’ potty training thing juuust yet), get her dressed, brush her teeth, set her up with some juice, toast, granola bar, etc., turn on Noggin … and go back to bed.

Horrible. I know. I know!

Now here’s me, [pathetically] trying to justify my actions …

– The tv/family room is literally RIGHT outside my door, which remains open
– It’s healthy for her to learn the fine art of entertaining oneself
– I’m a better mom when I can get a little extra sleep
– I never FULLY fall back asleep, and can usually hear everything

Okay, I take that last one back. Here’s what I woke to a few months ago … an activity I did NOT hear:


Thank you, Jesus, for washable markers.

So this morning, I sleep a bit later than usual, re-awake just before 10, and realize it’s a little too quiet. I figure she’s probably working on another self-adornment project. It’ll wash off. I fade in and out of sleep for a few minutes, trying to drag my butt out of bed. The phone vibrates on my nightstand. Peering over with one eye half-open, I see my mother’s photo on the cell face. I put it down, and wait for the message. Thirty seconds elapses before it arrives. I dial my code, and hear MP’s tiny voice leaving an unintelligible message on my voice mail.


I bolt out of bed, my brain lagging behind my body, trying to catch up and connect the dots. I speed dial Grammy, and MP answers.

“Hi Mommy! I’m sorry.”

I need to clarify that my mom in fact, lives just a few hundred feet away. We live down a long dirt drive, on a small bit of acreage, with virtually no neighbors. Think Everybody Loves Raymond. With a rural flair.

Which may sound better, but knowing that MP put on coat and boots, unlocked and opened the front door, and trekked across the snow to Grammy’s house without me hearing a thing confirms it …

I AM the worst mom in the world.

Apparently, she had written a letter while I was sleeping, and just wanted to give it to Grammy. I wasn’t mad at her – I was furious at myself. Add embarrassed, ashamed, horrified … Grammy got on the phone and told me they were on their way back.

After a serious five-minute discussion about leaving the house without telling Mommy, she asked if she could go back to play at Grammy’s. Which left me alone to think about MY actions.

Definitely NOT one of my shining motherhood moments.

A little extra sleep on the weekends will just have to wait a few more years. Period.

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Filed under No Piece

The Dragon and the Track Mommies

mpdragon.jpgOnce again, Friday morning found us screaming to gymnastics, racing against the clock. Why I can never seem to get it together is a mystery.

I watched in the rearview mirror as MP, sitting in her carseat, waived to a homeless man holding a ‘God Bless’ sign (“Mommy! We forgot to give him money!”), blissfully unaware that we were, yes, late again.

Seven minutes later, and we’re running through the gym’s double doors, bursting into a class already in progress.

The Track Mommies turn to look, in unison.

The Track Mommies are everything I am not. The Track Mommies have it together. The Track Mommies are on time. She of the salon tan and designer track suit. Of the mani and the pedi and the blinding diamond ring signifying the perfect marriage to a successful provider. She of the perfectly coiffed hair – pulled tightly into a low pony to give the illusion of ‘sporty’ low maintenance.

The Track Mommies quiet as we quickly shuffle to MP’s cubby. I feel their eyes on our backs – me, freshly showered with wet hair peeking from beneath a ball cap, and MP … oh yes … in a dragon costume. Did I forget to mention this?

After peeling the endless layers atop her unitard, MP gleefully ran to join her group. I walked back to the parents area, and settled into a good vantage point. (Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but I actually ENJOY watching my child crabwalk and sommersault …) The Track Mommies, meanwhile, have turned back to their conversations, their cell phones and their lattes.

I can only wonder what truly goes on in the lives of the Track Mommies. I know all too well, looks can be (and in my experience, usually are) deceiving. As I watch MP from my perch – dancing around and looking like she’ll pee her pants any second – I can’t help but be proud of our little party of two. And I silently pledge to let her wear that goofy dragon suit whenever and wherever she wants.

And to never, ever buy her a track suit.

Vote for my post The Dragon and the Track Mommies on Mom Blog Network


Filed under At Piece with Yourself

Mama Merit Badges

I’m sorry, this is just too good to be buried in the sidebar. You may have already seen these, but I just came across them a month or so ago, and they crack me up.

Here’s some copy from the Mama Merit Badges site (which I gotta say, I love almost as much as the badges themselves), describing just a few of the different badges available:

This lusty badge is for the drastic changes in your sexuality since birthing. It covers: first post-partum sex, sex in unusual places and at unusual times, kids walking in on sex, nursing during sex or squirting milk across the room, smiling while kids tell strangers about “mama sugar time” and really just for doing it all. If you have used the upbeat Baby Einstein finale song as your cue to wrap it up, you can iron this badge on your nursing bra or thong to show what a sexy mama you are!

This badge is to commemorate the nursing relationship, whether for a week or for years. Have you tandem nursed while pregnant or nursed twins? Breastfeeding is hard work and not as natural as it seems. If you produce milk for another human, you get this badge (and so much more).

Everyone has an episode of diapering significance! Have you experienced poop paintings on the wall, poop dripping from the Bjorn in the grocery store, poop in the tub, poop up the back and into your baby’s hair? Have you ever performed gymnastics trying to keep other siblings from getting into poop? Has your baby ever peed into your mouth? Explosive poops, indecent exposure, or cloth diapering; this badge tells your story.

Eating Out
If you have picked up pasta from a filthy floor, created a game with empty creamers, straws and sugar packets, drawn a pretty picture with the two blue crayons that the “too young to have kids” waitress gave you, or got your kids to eat something other than ketchup, you may wear this badge for rising to the occasion.

I LOVE the great business ideas moms are coming up with. Gotta get me some of these – Lord knows I’ve earned ’em!

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Filed under Bits and Pieces

After Tonight’s Debate I Find Myself

Between Barack and a Hard Place
the sphere in which undecided Democrats linger to contemplate the electability of candidates


Filed under Party Piece

Life Lesson #3

NEVER look directly at the area surrounding the drive thru window. If necessary, squint to achieve blurred vision.

That’s sun-dried, caked-on food splattered on the exterior, yes? And perhaps a chocolate shake?

Who’s hungry? Not me.


Filed under Life Lessons

Life Lesson #2

It makes no difference how many times I tell myself I’ll have time to make MP’s lunch in the morning …

I won’t.

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Filed under Life Lessons

Dancing in the Dark

moon1.jpgI ask you, is there any better magic show than a lunar eclipse? Tonight was a MP’s first true ‘celestial event’ – a pretty big deal for a girl who, up until a few months ago, was obsessed with the moon.

We live in the country, in a valley at the base of a mountain range, under a big sky with stars as far as the eye can see. Together, after dinner, we bundled up in a blanket on the front porch, the warm breath from our giggles visibly meeting the cold night air as we watched the face of the moon slowly slip into shadow. It was 15 minutes, give or take, before we decided to spontaneously break into dance – she in her footie pajamas, green winter coat and fleece hat; me in my sweatpants, slippers and long wool dress coat. We were quite the sight, I’m sure. It’s moments like this I love being a single mommy more than ever.

I can only imagine the teacher’s face tomorrow when MP recounts her tale of a night spent dancing under the moon. (Thankfully, we don’t live in Salem circa 1692 …)

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Filed under A Little Piece of My Heart