Conversation With My Heart

Did you know, if placed back-to-back, Sweethearts Conversation Hearts would reach one million miles – enough to go back and forth to the moon twice or around the world 40 times?

These are things you learn while consuming a 20 oz bag over the course of just five days.

Yes, I believe I’ve made myself diabetic.

That’s not even the really sad thing. (Let me preface this by saying I debated long and hard whether to post this, fearing it may sound too pathetic.) The other night, deep in a sugar-induced stupor, and feeling a bit melancholy, I found myself reaching out to my late ex … and asking for a sign from the beyond. A sign that he was still around. Watching over us. Watching over his daughter.

So, curled up on the couch with aforementioned bag, I told myself maybe he would speak to me through the hearts. I dove my hand in and pulled out the first.

Miss You.

I lost it.

Heart after heart, I convinced myself he was sending me a message. I smiled through the tears. It didn’t matter that, somewhere tucked back in a corner of my psyche, I still remained rational enough to know nearly all the hearts, in fact, would of course give me the words I wanted so desperately to hear.

One I Love.

True Love.

Magic.

Angel.

But I allowed myself to ignore the rational, if only for a short time, and experience the familiar flood of bittersweet emotions that, each time they come, ultimately leave me a little closer to healed.

The real tragedy in his passing a year and a half ago are the words that were left unsaid. Maybe he was speaking to me through a bag of Valentine candy. Crazier things have happened. And I’ll never stop believing anything’s possible.

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5 Comments

Filed under Rest in Piece

5 responses to “Conversation With My Heart

  1. I can’t even imagine. That is really weird though. My father died 9 years ago and I often think he’s sending me signs.

    Grief is the worst pain we humans can feel – grief from death. And it never goes away – the wound just turns into a scar and it doesn’t hurt AS much but it’s always there.

    Thanks for posting this … how long had you two been split up when he died? Was it just after MP was born?

  2. mommypie

    As always, thanks for your comments MSS. You’re so right – the pain never does go away. But it gets better, little by little. And I DO think our loved ones are always around, sometimes even sending signs, like your dad.

    My dad has questioned if maybe the reason I believe in signs is to make “death” an easier concept to deal with. Perhaps. And if so, what’s so wrong with that? If it makes you feel better …

    Anyhow, MPs dad and I split when I was in my first trimester – he didn’t have any involvement with the pregnancy, which I can’t blame solely on him – I was hurt and having him around just upset me more … It was really important to me that I have a peaceful pregnancy and not stress the baby.

    After MP was born, he saw her a few times a week, until we moved when she was 18 months old … that was in October ’05 … he passed away almost exactly one year later, in October ’06. The last time we saw him was in May of ’06 when we went back for a visit. He was already sick at that point – I just had no idea of the seriousness, until it was too late.

    As you probably know, the cliche is so true – make sure to tell the ones you love how you feel. Although he remained my best friend until the end, I was stubborn and because of the circumstances of the split, still couldn’t let go of the hurt. I never had any idea he’d be gone so young, and I wish desperately that so many things could’ve been resolved before he left.

    So, the healing process goes on. And the wonderful thing is I know now how truly important it is to appreciate those you love every day.

  3. I often tell people that there are people have lost someone and people who haven’t. Someone who they were extremely close with…like a father or a husband or a partner. And those who haven’t – fortunately don’t know or understand the pain. But on the bright side – those who have do appreciate life more. Well, I do anyway… life just becomes real, palpable and delicate.

    Uggh…death. Sigh.

  4. mommypie

    I’m with you. Death sucks.

  5. I say keep eating those candy hearts!

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