You can dress us up …

Last week, I’m in the coffee shop, working away in my little corner, when Bobo stops by to hang out. He sits on the stool opposite me. A few minutes into our conversation, the gentleman at the table directly behind Bobo packs up his laptop, comes over, says, “I have to unplug,” and in reaching for the outlet, quickly disappears under our table.

At which point Bobo drops a huge fart.

Silent, but huge all the same.

The guy nearly cracks his skull on the table, beats a hasty exit, and Bobo begins laughing uncontrollably. I begin laughing uncontrollably. Soon we are coughing in unison, trying to catch our breath.

My family is SO not PC. Someone should have censored Bobo’s bunghole with a giant black bar YEARS AGO.

There are PLENTY of other un-PC things in Pie World. A few that come to mind …

1. The word UNITARD.

“MP, hurry up and get into your unitard — we’re late for gymnastics!”

Wrong on so many levels.

2. THIS kid’s name.

Jewmale

Technically, not REALLY un-PC, just a poor spelling choice I suppose. Bet he’s a hit at Hanukkah though.

3. This idea for a Swap Mamas t-shirt.

wannaswap1

Bow chicka wow wow.

Can’t take us anywhere.

40 Comments

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40 responses to “You can dress us up …

  1. I would totally wear that t-shirt.

  2. Katherine

    Loove the T-Shirt.
    Where do I sign up?

  3. If you don’t have those t-shirts printed, it’ll be a crying shame.

    I’ll even wear it to my next key party.

  4. theboy

    And if you print that shirt, you better print up the: “I just squeeeeed” shirt also.

  5. DUDE! Let’s get on this! I want this shirt! I’m makin’ one. And you know when I say I’m making one, I actually will. I’m calling Four Zero Six RIGHT NOW.

  6. I have a huge t-shirt collection. I’m sure we can swap that t-shirt for my, “Trust me, I’m a JEDI”, t-shirt.

  7. Seriously, the T-shirt rocks! I’d buy it!

    So um, I imagine your on this coast now…I’m waving….the crazy lady in the asylum in Maine is waving frantically, upsetting all the other inmates who are wondering what the hell she’s on about.

    Oh and we seriously have a huge invasion of lightning bugs up here right now. There is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night to hear little tiny clack clack clack plip clack plip and watch two glowing tiny things bounce off the light fixture overhead, ALL.NIGHT.LONG.

  8. You can always tell when a blogger falls in love. The updates go missing. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ll be happy if you don’t update for a long while yet.

  9. Hilarious! This gave me a good laugh – especially the t-shirt!

  10. T

    Love the t-shirt! It’s kinda like my favorite t-shirt for triathletes. It says, “Wanna threesome?”
    :)

  11. Hello? echo……echo…..

    Looks like Mommy Pie is updating her blog about as often as I am. Which gives me an idea. Maybe I should just start posting blog posts right here in the comments section. You know, kinda like a blog squatter while the tenants are on vacation. And heck, what good is squatting in someone else’s house without hosting a huge party with all of your friends?

    So come on in! Talk about whatever you like! Say what’s on your mind. Tell jokes, recite poetry, slam your ex. Oh, and just make sure someone is watching for Mommy Pie. As soon as we see her…..everyone scatter!

  12. Blog squatter! I love it!!! LOL

    I miss Mommy Pie. :(

  13. Yes, let’s get the party started! Today I’d like to blog about a crisis that has intruded into too many of the lives of so many in our beloved single parent blogging community. I’m not shy! I am just going to say it straight out. There’s just too damn much LOVE going on. And look! It has stricken the very best of our ranks! One Woman Show, Better Now, Single Mom Seeking, Miss Single Mama, Modern Single Mama, Canadian Bald Guy (who didn’t even have the courtesy to woo outside our party, but insisted on stealing the heart of ANOTHER SINGLE PARENT BLOGGER, thereby reducing our ranks further!), and now, and with my deepest regrets, Mommie Pie!
    Now let me make one thing clear. I perfectly understand that just because a single parent is DATING someone, they suddenly aren’t counted out as single parents anymore. I know! I know! What I am lamenting is not a reduction in single parents, rather I am lamenting the reduction in single parent BLOGS! You see, once a good single parent blogger goes all a flutter with tweety birds and hearts circling their heads, they suddenly forget about their blogs. Or worse! They do remember them and suddenly fill their blog space with the most insidious, nauseous, and unbecoming descriptions of their gooey joys.
    Where is the acerbic wit? Where is the suffering? Where is the pointed sarcasm and bitterness? These are what make great coffee time blog reading. These are the tasty morsels of the community I recognize and adore.
    My advice to any remaining single parent bloggers who might find this, please heed my warning. Watch yourselves! Be on your guard! Give lusty and generous feelings a wide berth. Stay away from those who might tempt you with happier futures. Think instead of your lonely blog reading audience, who’s only relief is the shared pain of our mutual labors. And with that, I bid you good night.

    • Jim, I was reading your latest rant and thinking, “wait a second, I’m all mushy and in love and haven’t abandoned my blog…”

      Then I read further.

      Oh yeah. I’m now one of “those” who has her blog full of mushy gushy gooey romantic stuff.

      What can I say? Canadianbaldguy is two dozen shades of awesome…. ;-)

  14. LOL

    Ahhh…how I long for the days of of suffering and bitterness.

    I’m totally up for blog squatting here. I used to read her blog (before her disappearance, obviously) and actually enjoyed the online proposal by “The Boy”. It’s a shame she’s so happy now.

    So how can I make up for stealing the heart of another single parent blogger? I’ve done my best this week to post about bleakness….

  15. Ha ha! Well CBG, you can start by bringing me a hammer. I’ve found the liquor cabinet here, but it is locked.

  16. Jim,
    I think I have the key to the liquor cabinet. Luckily I know where MP keeps it! Looks like we have some fruit-infused vodka, some apple pucker-which is probably from her high school party days, some mexican tequila (you pick the brand) and some rum…so, pour the shots and turn up the music. When the cops arrive, because they’ve called, we’ll all just blame it on MP.

    Wait…who’s that guy rubbing the balloon on his head…didn’t we specify ADULT games only??
    QB

  17. Tequila shooters! Sweeeeeeeeet!! Sign me up!!!

  18. Alright, someone needs to run home and bring back their CDs and iPods, because I’ve just browsed MP’s record collection, and frankly, I’m not going there!

    Besides, how is anyone supposed to find anything there? She doesn’t even sort albums alphabetically or by release date. Instead, I found everything sorted by the dominant color of the album cover! Her CD shelf is a tie-dye pattern of merging rainbow colors.

    The good news is she has a slammin’ pair of speakers, so let’s put them to use!

  19. T

    Well, I’ve got my entire 80’s collection of music! Let’s make some jello shots and rock out to Bauhaus!

    No?

    Spandau Ballet?

    Um… come on! Everyone loves Midnight Oil! Culture Club? Duran Duran! INXS!!

    Its…. the…. ONE….thing… You…. are… MY… thing…

  20. Awesome, T! Now I see someone has stuffed old socks in the bathtub drain and now the hallway is one giant Slip and Slide!
    BONNNNZZZAAAAIII!!!!!

  21. Just for Jim, here’s some fellow squatting, since he apparently needs his fix of single parent angst! LOL A copy of my blog for today:

    I hate my baby daddy (yes, I could have more class and call him “my child’s father” but I’m not feeling classy today. Actually, I prefer Lora’s term of “sperm donor.” That’s much more accurate). I hate him, hate him, hate him. His Facebook page is public, and I’ve made the mistake of looking at it a few times after somebody makes a mention over something pathetic he has said. Lately, it’s been sappy lamentations about knowing that he has to prove his love again and wondering “if she can find it in her heart to forgive” him. Some thought he might have been talking about the wife and child he walked out on. Alas, no. He was talking about the married whore that he’s been obsessing over for months.

    It doesn’t make me angry that he’s destroying himself over someone who obviously doesn’t give a shit about wedding vows. He deserves that. What pisses me off is that he cares more about her forgiveness than his daughter’s feelings. She still cries almost every night, and she still asks me on a regular basis why her daddy doesn’t love her and why he didn’t want to live with us anymore. Luckily for her, I have enough grace to assure her that her daddy DOES love her, and I have the patience to hold her in my arms, stroke her baby-fine hair, and rock her gently back and forth. I ask her to look into my eyes, and as I look back into her beautifully sweet blue eyes that are filled with tears, I make a promise to her that I will never, ever leave her. Every time I make her that promise, my heart breaks a little more because of what she’s going through. With every ounce of heartbreak, I find a little more hate for what he did. He’s selfish. He’s an asshole, and I am getting to the point where I sincerely hope that nobody ever loves him again.

  22. April, that is a bummer, no question about it. But I think you are doing yourself a disservice by wishing bad things on him. The best course now, though not the easiest course, is to accept, forgive, and move on. Since you really are going to be there for your daughter from now on, why not set a loving example of what decent people do when wronged? Namely, to set a firm boundary between his actions and your reactions, and to stay open to the possibility that people do in fact change as they get older and he may mature to his responsibilities. Show your daughter what it is to love unconditionally. That doesn’t mean you have to be happy with his decisions, but it probably does mean showing your daughter how to live happily in spite of his decisions. Good luck on this. I know it is hard.

    Now then, you’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this while hanging from a bed sheet tied to a ceiling fan. Well, what can I say? The MP party continues! Now where did I set my drink? Ack! I always misplace my drinks at parties.

    • April

      The good news is that all of my angst goes into my words, not my actions. :) We can still be around each other and be not only civil, but friendly. We have even hugged and all that mushy crap. It’s just hard to see how badly she is hurting because of him, knowing there is nothing I can do.

  23. I think the shirt is fantastic and love your blog also. Wanted to let you I’m passing the “Fantastic Blog Award” on to you. But where did you go? We haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope you come back soon.

  24. Damn! I missed the party the other day. Can we keep it going?

    Great idea Jim. Blog squatting does seem to get your creative juices flowing again. Now how about flowing margaritas a some guac?

    • Mindy, who said the party was over? Sure, I woke up here this morning in a pile of cheeze-whiz and pillow feathers, but that doesn’t mean the show is over. We can start by looking for a ladder so I can get my pants off the roof.

  25. Damn, Jim, if it’s YOUR pants on the roof, then whose pants am I wearing? ‘Cuz these aren’t the ones I showed up in….

    • Mommasunshine, I recognize those as MP’s horse riding pants which she keeps next to her riding crop and saddle. Curiously, MP doesn’t store these in a stable but in a locked chest in the master bedroom (I’m not asking).
      Your pants, on the other hand, are waving at the top of the tree in the front yard with a Jolly Roger painted on them.

  26. Am I too late for the party? I brought the makings for a beer bong!!

  27. Andi

    I make killer margaritas, and I brought the top-shelf stuff, ya’ll. Who wants one?

  28. Ah! Mommy Pie is home! Everyone RUN! [grabs unfinished bottle of wine and jumps out window]

    • Dang!!! [frantically looks for my bra]

    • I love when bloggers go against the grain and speak their minds – especially when it’s what I”m thinking. I don’t read a lot of single parent blogs, but the ones on my list get skipped when every post is about weekends away, whimsy and love. Single parent blogs I like actually discuss – um – let’s see – single parenting.

  29. I’m gonna start a little ol’ block party on my blog this afternoon in honor of that hot, hot Depot Dad…. all single women line up and come to the party! Drinks on me!

  30. Bad Mummy

    Can we make a giant ice cream sundae in the bathtub?

  31. Whose goldfish is this, and why was I wearing it?

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