Dirty Rat Bastards are goin’ DOWN.

My car is infested with field mice. Stinking, filthy, disease-riddled rodents.

How do I know?

BECAUSE THERE ARE FREAKIN’ MOUSE TURDS ALL OVER THE FREAKIN’ CAR.

On the floormats. On the driver’s seat. On the passenger’s seat. In MP’s CAR SEAT. In the freakin’ cup holders for freak’s sake.

The same thing happened two years ago. As soon as the temperature began to head south, the mice began taking up residence in the car. Building condos behind the glovebox. I spent 100 bucks having it detailed after someone mentioned that, sure, I could easily vacuum the turds, but what I WASN’T seeing was all the URINE.

Nevermind that that person was a detailer. Yes, the very one I paid 100 bucks. Whatever. The point is … I’m sure it was true.

It was around that time, in a stunning demonstration of perfect timing, a stray cat arrived on my doorstep. I fed her each day and she stuck around, finding a hole in the foundation’s skirting and making herself at home under the house. The car mice ceased to be a problem.

Until Grammy captured her a few months ago and took her to the No-Kill Shelter. That’s a story for another post. Which leaves me without my convenient four-legged critter killer policing the grounds.

It also leaves me with a problem bigger than just the urine-soaked car. Now the dirty bastards are in the HOUSE.

When I opened the top drawer in the bathroom this past weekend, it took me a minute to process what I was seeing, but the four or five tampons that had spontaneously exploded into a cloud of white cotton overnight were peppered with a familiar calling card. Opening the drawer below, I found a full box of Q-Tips that had been ransacked and defiled. Little Q-Tip Baton Wielding Bastards.

They even ate the damn Neosporin tube. NEOSPORIN. Which I dug out of the trash just for you, dear Doogs.

**On a related note, what brainiac decided to change the Tampax wrappers from a nice discreet white — which blends seamlessly with tissue and toilet paper — to NEON GREEN, which screams from the trash can, “Pick me up! I’m a fun toy!” to toddlers and preschoolers? I digress.**

Upon further inspection, I began seeing the signs everywhere. And by signs I mean TURDS. In the closet. On the floor by my bed. In a pile of towels sitting in a basket on the kitchen COUNTER. So, my mice can scale walls. Jealous much?

I’ve been leaving traps in the car every night for a week or two, with a fair amount of success, but the troops keep marching in. Last night I left a trap in the Q-Tip drawer and had an unfortunate mess to clean up before work. All this pee and poo and bloody gore has me totally freaked about Hanta Virus.

And now MP’s told her class she has rats in her car. And her house. I’ve tried to explain the difference between a RAT and a MOUSE, with little success. Like when I tell Bobo (my dad, for the newcomers) there’s actually a difference between saying he lives in a trailer, and saying he lives in an RV. He insists on “trailer.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I rent a double-wide, myself. Which I like to call a “Manufactured Home.” Marketing, Baby.)

Which means if you’re listening to MP, we live in our car. Or at the Dump, depending on the outcome of the Telephone Game. And if you’re a woman in a bar, the grocery store, the gas station, listening to Bobo try and pick you up …

Yeah, clearly, Bobo’s never getting laid again.

53 Comments

Filed under Piece of Crap

53 responses to “Dirty Rat Bastards are goin’ DOWN.

  1. EW! ew ew ew!!!
    You’re braver than me. I hate rodents. Of All Kinds!

    However, it is amusing that they exploded your tampons. Perhaps they’re anti-woman?

  2. Rick's Cafe

    I’m sure there was a really good reason to get rid of an ‘employee’ who volunteered to tackle a tough job, was very successful at that job, worked 24/7 – for free and didn’t make any demands for vacations, health benefits, pay raises or promotions.

    Since cats are apparently not an option, have you considered a snake?

    It’s either that or you can make the environment so toxic the mice eventually all leave….or grow a 3rd eye/second tail :)

  3. Sadly, Poppy (MPs Grandpa, who lives in the house next door) is deathly allergic to cats. It was getting a little too comfortable, wandering into both our houses on occasion. Plus, it was peeing under the house and I could smell it when the heat came on, so that was a bit of an issue.

    I do miss Kitty though. :(

  4. Finn

    I feel you, sister. Hubby lived in a cabin one year at school. The place was infested. I found rice in my jean’s pocket one night! We set traps and got 13 mice in 24 hours. I also lived in a house at school named “The Mouse Trap.” You remember it, don’t you?? Nothing like studying into the wee hours and hearing “Snap!! Flip, scratch, scratch, silence.” You need the cat back. Go back to the pound.

  5. Beth

    Ewwwww! The bloody mess is nasty. Try the sticky kind of trap. No mess involved! I buy them at Walmarshay. We use them in AZ to kill scorpions. They just get their little feet stuck on the bait smelling trap and PRESTO! DONE! Our boys check the traps daily-they have competitions on who’s trap catches the most! Or a less messy solution: an outdoor cat once again! But I know, they pee on everything and it’s NASTY!

  6. eeeeeeeeew.
    D-Con or warfarin helps, you just hide the little bait traps where nobody but the mice can get at them. They eat the stuff and quietly go away to die…I can’t deal with bloody dead mice, they’re worse than the live ones.
    eeeeeeeeeeew.

  7. How do you feel about snakes? Snakes love mice.

  8. Ugh. I think I would rather have the mice. But good thought CD.

  9. Ewww. I have been the Mouse Hunter Extraordinnaire in my past. Long, awful story, but the effers started a breeding program all over my house a few years ago when I was gone for a month. Email for foolproof details to wiping them out and their furry little chillin’ too (which are NOT AT ALL CUTE!) I feel ya, really. But…PLEASE DO NOT USE WARFARIN OR YOUR PUPPY WILL DIE if she eats a mousy! (sorry ’bout that, but volume is important in this case.)

  10. Linda/Bikerchick — Isn’t warfarin a blood thinner?? (And I promise I WON’T use it — thanks BC!)

  11. Oh you poor thing!!!! Though, I am laughing with you about “Little Q-Tip Baton Wielding Bastards.”. Good luck~!

  12. OMG GROSS! You said you rent? Call your landloard and have them send out an exterminator~ That is too much mouse…sick. Sorry!

  13. My landlord is my mom! I actually live in my grandma’s old house (she passed away a few years back). So, an exterminator is probably not an option. But you’re right — if I were in the city I’d be on the phone pronto!

  14. Oh, Doog. I don’t even know what to say to all this. You are, of course, more than welcome to come camp out here in Houston for as long as necessary to clean out your house. Bruh.

  15. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (I like to be supportive.)

    Maybe this will make you feel better: it could be roaches?

  16. We had those nasty varmints in our house one time. We managed to get them all out of the house, and THEN they moved into the walls! OMG! The exterminator couldn’t get there soon enough to suit me. Our current home is WAY back in the woods, and we have a CAT! Problem solved.

  17. You’re braver than me! One time a rat moved into our garage. I put out poison. Rat, no more.

  18. omg, jesus i really thought i was going to get to the bottom of this post and see a sike. this would freak me the hell out and I am not even kidding. Lord somebody needs to give you an award and I am not even kidding. this post is definetely going to part of this weeks WTF Wednesday. Hang in there, woman.

  19. Wouldn’t it be neat if one of those guys, the one that’s an expert in French cuisine, blind folded you, stood on your head and taught you how to make omelettes?

  20. Doog, you’re a funny, funny lady. Ratatouille can stay.

  21. I kind of heart you even more for the “Dirty Rat Bastards” comment. My favorite words ever. Also, I am so upset at the tampon industry right now. What are they trying to pull selling me tampons that claim I can wear white pants AND be on my period? What about the size of my ass looking huge in those white pants? Who’s going to fix that?

  22. Oh my! Girl you need to call the exterminator. Now! They have super traps for those things. Not that I have any experience with that or anything……. okay, in my last apartment we had rats. Yes Georgia field rats or something. It may have actually only been one but I saw a huge turd in the kitchen and knew it was no mouse.

    The exterminator came in with a ginormous trap- rat problem solved. Oh and the boarding up of a hole helped too.

    good luck girlfriend.

  23. I DID find a hole under the sink last night and stuffed a sock in it. Probably won’t work for the long haul, but I didn’t see any droppings this morning!

  24. Ann

    Oh, ugh – droppings. I do adore the cute little things – mice, that is. You can slap me via the internets NOW. I’m sorry, I do. Irritating, I know. Of course, this comes from someone who has the luxury of not having them set up barracks in her house.

    Thanks for stoppin’ by me blog. :)

  25. Use mint to get rid of them. Rodents don’t like mint. Just plain old star candy mints actually work. I was once having a problem at work and got a bucket of mints for Christmas or something then all the sudden the mice were gone. Then I read about it later. I planted mint at home to keep away the gophers. Sorry neighbors.

  26. Rick's Cafe

    I suppose the crimp in your social life by living next door to a parent/inlaw is far off set by the extra care and security offered by same.

    Living in the same small town as your parents/inlaws would be very similar-just something that one gets use to.

    Too bad about the allergies though.
    How about a ferret?

  27. Yeah, it’s kinda like Everybody Loves Raymond. Only in the country. And it’s nice because MP gets the extended family setting, which is rare these days.

    A ferret’s a thought, but I’m afraid my head may explode adding another pet to the mix right now!

  28. Ick. Yuck. Blech.

    The downside of D-con or other poisons is that they eat them, get into the wall, or behind the bathroom vanity and die someplace that is unreachable without a hacksaw. Then they start to smell so horrible that you’d almost rather have live mice than the dead mouse smell.

    Not that I’ve ever had mice. No way.

    Also, why are kids so damn fascinated by tampons? My kids have torn up and examined whole boxes of them.

    Not only is the new green wrapper a problem, but that Tampax Pearl should be outlawed. I won’t go into details here, but, hell no.

  29. Ugh! I am with you. We have them in our walls (apparently we’re not the only ones around here) and I’ve been at odds with what to do about it. As blissfully caffeinated said, if they die in the walls then you have months of rotting mouse smell which is AWFUL!
    Good luck to you and let me know if you discover anything that works. We’re currently trying those sonic sound blasters… they don’t seem to work.

  30. Disgusting. And I thought box elder bugs were bad. Mice would be worse. Good luck!

    Love how MP told her class she’s got rats in the house. Teachers must hear the craziest stuff. My kids once told me (after spending the day with their dad) that…

    “McDonald’s wouldn’t take Dad’s credit card.”

    WTF!?!

    1) Why’s Dad using a credit card on a $4 happy meal?
    2) It was denied?
    3) Who else have you told about this?

    Once I got the real story, I learned the debit/credit card machine was down. He was trying to use his debit card.

    Geesh.

  31. I am duly disgusted. We had mice once, and I was about to move to a hotel across town. I’m not a girly girl but I am wimp.

  32. Rick's Cafe

    Until the little critters leave you can start an intensive brain washing effort for MP and yourself. During the day run Warner Brothers cartoons, heavy on Tom & Jerry and Speedy Gonzales. In the evening read Thornton Burgess.

    Yeah, ferrets are high maintenance but are a whole lot less effort than my other thought (http://www.dailycoyote.net)

    On the bright side, it’s great cocktail party conversation…..does anybody even do that any more?

  33. Omigosh, I LOVE that site! I want a coyote! We hear ‘em all the time at night (and sometimes MP and I will even howl along, which is maybe a good post …).

    Thanks so much for sharing — leaves me all warm and fuzzy. :)

  34. 1. Call exterminator
    2. Write check for whatever he wants.
    3. Call carpet cleaning company
    4. Write check for whatever they want.

    Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

  35. I’d go back to that no-kill shelter and pick yourself up a mice-slayer…or two. Wish I could send Griffy out your way (Hey, he LOVES going out in the snow in the dead of winter, this IS Maine after all!), as I’m sure he’d do well over there, and as evidenced by a couple of my posts, we have confirmation of his mad slaying skillz. But alas dear Mommy Pie, I am afraid if I let our giant orange beast go, you would no doubt be seeing this kind of post from me. Except I’d be writing it from the safety of a nice padded room, whilst gorked out of my ever-loving mind on Lithium.

    We *just* got rid of all the spiders. I don’t think I could deal with mice.

    *shivers*

  36. Had mice last year… Hubs actually killed one with a crowbar… I admit the hunter-gatherer thing made me a little damp… but I digress. I feel your pain… might be time to head to the shelter and find a new friend who will have fun exterminating your unwelcome visitors.

  37. I’d say its time for another cat. You should hit up Amish/Mormons down the road and see if they have any spare mousers on their farm.

  38. i love how you set the mouse-bitten neosporin tube on a piece of toilet paper so delicately… beautiful picture!
    ;)

  39. A little damp. You’re too funny, PP.

    pisceshanna — The Ingalls! Now THAT’s an awesome idea – ha!

    MOFM — You like? No way was that thing touching the countertop. Yech.

  40. EEWWW! YUCKY! GROSS!
    I hate things that come to live in my house that don’t pay the mortgage.

    Last night I killed a HUGE wolf spider. I didn’t think about it, but it was so big that there was practically a crime scene to clean up afterward. Literally, I had to get out carpet cleaner, scrub a wall and pick legs off the recliner.

    Do you feel better now? No? well I do. Because my spider is gone and your little mice friends are still hunting for cheese in your tampons.
    Sorry, I’m no help. Hope you get rid of the little shits soon!

  41. Blech! My silverfish don’t seem half bad right now. I wonder if mint kills them or just keeps them away? You can bake little mint muffins and put them all over the house and yard. Think how good your house would smell! Or you can get one of these:

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/main.jhtml?xml=/earth/2008/10/22/easpider122.xml

  42. I wanted to comment- just to show support. But all I can come up with is..

    EWWWWWWWW.

    I say get ‘bomb’ thingy and bomb the car for starters.

  43. Rats. In my back porch. So not kidding.

    Chas had bait and traps all over Hell and back. They disappeared 100% about the same time I plugged in two sonic rodent repellent thingies. Coincidence? Did the poison finish ‘em off the day I plugged in the thingies? Quite possibly. But we’ve seen no more rat turds, and only the occasional mouse turd, ever since.

    Still have the sonic thingies. $20 for two of them at a hardware store. Not a good idea with hamsters or guinea pigs in the house.

    Good luck!

  44. andij1967

    I built my house 8 years ago and the surrounding area was just a field back then. My neighbors all got mice infestations, but I never did. The extent of my mice problem has been voles digging little tunnels throughout my yard. However, if those little buggers ever decide to make their way into my home… my abode… my sanctuary… I will set this mother alight and find a new place to live.

    Mice are my only true heebie-jeebie, can you tell?

  45. Rick's Cafe

    The dog and cat were playing a game of tag with a chipmunk yesterday. Apparently the chipmunk didn’t want to play any longer and picked my open door as his best choice to escape the bullies.

    He hasn’t come out of hiding yet.

    Sigh…… just another hungry mouth to feed.

  46. have you ever dug in your trash to retrieve something (well, according to this post you have)…and you’re digging and you’re digging…and then you find somethin ELSE? Something in addition to what you lost in the trash. It’s like finding a missing $20 and $10 in your back jeans pocket. It kinda rocks.

  47. Ok, I’m SOOO going to need Barry to way in on this topic.

  48. This is the best collection of comments I’ve seen in a long time! They are as funny as the post and the post was damn funny! I can’t wait to check out all these new-to-me blogs.
    Mice? Freak -me -out! And I let a snake live in my house for over a year…
    I remember finding my mom’s tampons wrapped in pink plastic and concluding they must be the best damn lollipops in the world if she’s hiding them in her bedroom and not sharing with us.
    Hope those mints work for you.

  49. yeah, I linked my name back to you. this is me.

  50. I know where you can get a coyote or two…we’d sure be grateful!!

    http://theruens.blogspot.com/2008/10/critters-coyotes-rattlesnakesoh-my.html

    I always enjoy your site – thanks for sharing!

  51. Martin

    Hanta virus is scary. One more reason to get rid of mice in your house! I use electronic traps because they work so well. Plus, traps like the Victor Multi-Kill just store the dead bodies so I don’t have to touch the gross things.

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